Alone vs. Lonely

For many different reasons, many people in our world today are alone and lonely. It has been said never before in modern human history have we had the ability to be so connected with technology yet are so disconnected from each other. I am grateful for all the ways technology allows us to be connected and share information and resources.

About 25 years ago when Kerry and I were dating, I lived overseas for a semester studying abroad. During that time, email was just beginning to become available, and it was very challenging to use. International phone calls were relatively easy to use; however, the price was high. Over this period of time, trying to build a new relationship with an hour call once a week, staying connected become a $2,000 phone bill! This would have paid her round-trip flight to visit me, but we laugh about it now.

Technology has come a long way, allowing us to connect with people across the planet, not only by phone, but also by email and video for nearly no cost.

Yet now more than ever, people are isolated, disconnected, and lonely. What is going on? How can this be the case?

One of my observations is that the ego likes to keep you alone, desiring you for itself. However, love wants to connect and be intimate with others and not alone.

Both of these words are adjectives in the English language, and an adjective disrobes a noun (or a person, place or thing).

Let’s look at the etymology of these two words.

Alone means to be solitary, without companions, wholly oneself, apart from another. It is related to the word eall, allr or our common word all to mean all that is everything, in any way, to one’s full powers, without limits.

Lonely can mean solitary, unfrequented, a condition of being. The root word lone means a feeling of or being dejected, devastated for the want of company or companion, having no companion.

Alone does not mean you are lonely. Lonely means you are alone and do not want to be. Some people would say being alone is a physical state and being lonely is an emotional state. Being alone is a chosen place the person wishes to be in and may be content with solitude, self-reflection, and feels whole. They can feel connected to others and are stable and may even be happy.

People who are lonely do not wish to be by themselves. Perhaps, they feel disconnected and empty, not full or fulfilled. They long to connect with others in their company. They feel instability, sadness, or even depression.

Now, I do not think one is better than the other. They are simply states of being. Neither is one more “right” or “correct” than the others. This is not about ego. A lonely person can eventually become comfortable being alone. A person who is alone can become uncomfortable, feeling lonely and not feeling connected to others anymore. I believe it is human to experience both at different times in your life and in your relationships.

Understanding these words might help us better understand intimate relationships. You May have found yourself married but feeling very lonely and disconnected. Your partner does not want or seem to be able to connect with you on a regular, consistent basis. They appear happy and content being alone.

In previous blogs, I have written about moving from outside-in to inside-out living. I think this can help us understand these two words alone and lonely. I would say people who are alone fill up their own cup from the inside-out. People who are lonely wish and desire to be filled from the outside-in by connecting with their partner. Again, neither is “right” or “wrong” than the other. They are states of being. Both can learn from the other.

Both are part of the masculine and feminine dance of balance. Both need the other and can learn from each other. If you become out of balance due to childhood trauma, addictions, unforgiveness, abuse, or neglect, you may need help. You or your partner may be dealing with depression, addiction and/or emotional, spiritual, sexual, or intimacy anorexia. Take a self-assessment today and find out. Just because you are lonely does not mean you are alone. Don’t let your ego continue to isolate you. You are worth it. Many have received answers to their questions. Don’t wait another day.

Resource: etyomonline.com

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.