Anxious Avoidant Couples Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory is nothing new. John Bowlby, a psychiatrist from the 1930s, is credited for its origin along with his partner, James Robertson. They led a child guidance clinic in London. From their observations and research, attachment theory was born and has developed as most theories do for almost 100 years now. Today, there are four main attachment styles that are recognized. For simplicity, we are not going to cover the subcategories.

The four main attachment styles are listed below.

Secure-Attached children were most likely parented well by a secure adult. They experienced consistent parenting. The child was able to trust their caregiver, who was engaged with the child as well as met and responded to the child’s needs as quickly as possible. Their parents were consistently trustworthy. This type of child, as an adult, can trust others, communicate their positive and negative feelings, and are cooperative and flexible in a partner relationship. Generally, they have a positive sense of self and others with little anxiety and do not tend to avoid others. They are secure with intimacy and autonomy.

Anxious/Pursuer-Attached children experienced inconsistent parenting. The caregiver(s) may have been nurturing at times but cold and even critical at other times. They were slow to meet the child’s emotional needs. For example, often these children cry without the caregiver consoling them. This child grows up with an anxious nervous system. It is a struggle for them to communicate their wants and needs. They have a great fear of abandonment. As adults, they may struggle with negative thoughts of self, suffer high anxiety, yet have positive thoughts of others being better off than they are.

Avoidant/Dismissive-Attached children were not able to properly bond with their parent(s) or caregivers. The parent(s) were distant from the child. The child may have feared them. The child did not feel it was safe to share their thoughts and feelings with their parent(s). The child decided to deal with things on their own. By not reaching out to their parents, the child is allowed to be around the parents. They disconnected from their own wants and needs and learned to self-soothe and self-nurture on their own. They become independent far earlier than they should. They tend to avoid any desire for closeness. They have learned this avoidance helps them prevent becoming hurt repeatedly by being dismissed or rejected by their parents again. These children, as adults, downplay the importance of relationships, as they are extremely self-reliant, yet can become vulnerable in a crisis. They tend to have a positive perception of self and a low perception of others. They generally suffer little anxiety, and yet are highly avoidant of others and close relationships.

Disorganized/Fearful-Attached children most often had parent(s) or caregiver(s) that demonstrated reassurance, yet fear and insecurity, creating confusion for the child. Parenting was inconsistent and unpredictable. Oftentimes, these children parented their parents. They wanted to be around their parents, yet it was not comfortable to do so. These children, as adults, are generally more dependent than avoidant in relationships. They fear rejection and abandonment. As adults, they tend to have a negative sense of self and others. They are highly anxious and avoidant.

It should also be noted that the attachment styles are not gender specific.

Taha Ziad, in his book, The Complete Healing Journey for Anxious Attachers, helps us understand how anxious and avoidant types love each other. The anxious type is preoccupied with the relationship. They create what is called a fantasy bond, meaning they want to be wanted, yet they do not truly feel loved by or can extend trust toward their partner. They feel deep emotional hunger, desiring the partner to complete, rescue and make them feel like they matter. They want safety and security in the relationship, however, without making an effort to relate to their partner.

Taha Ziad writes, “This anxiety usually makes the behaviors that create worse tension…when they feel like their partner is pulling away, they tend to react by becoming passive or clingy, which only pushes their partner away…the more they push, the bigger the rift they are creating…they decide that their partner must not love them at all.”

They need to talk a lot to express their thoughts and feelings. They usually meet and fall in love with someone who will listen. You guessed it, the avoidant/dismissive partner.

Most of the time, avoidant/dismissive love will seek emotional distance. They enforce their independence and often isolate themselves. They do not care to engage or connect with their partner emotionally. When things between their partner become heated or stressful, they turn off their emotions entirely. They do not have much interest in fixing things or invest emotional interest in what is happening. They will listen but not share much.

Now when an anxious type meets and marries a dismissive/avoidant, Ziad writes; [these relationships] “…are surprisingly long-lasting…they endure a lot, but only through their dysfunction. The anxious partner puts a heavy emphasis on attachment while the dismissive partner attempts to avoid and devalue it…both feel intense stress because neither of them gets what they need…They will make it a point to control the pace by giving out just enough affection to keep the anxious partner involved and attached…They will stick around because it is an easy way to get a relationship, and chances are, the anxious individual will eventually just stick around out of desire for a relationship and fearing that they will never get anything better.”

The anxious partner struggles with the inner dialogue of all-or-nothing thinking. Even when things are going well, they doubt their partner, as things are too-good-to-be-true. Then, they fall into doubting their partner’s ability to be trustworthy and reliable and try to provoke or pick a fight with self-sabotaging behaviors, often accusing them of not being emotionally available, lying about small things, and accusing them of cheating.

The dismissive avoidant struggles with the inner dialogue of doubting their partner’s love, thinking they are broken, the problem, or not enough. They struggle with deep feelings of shame, but the relationship does not feel safe enough for them to express it. They try harder to be present and meet their partners’ needs but, usually, fall short or feel their effort was not good enough.

Are you getting this and inner-standing? This describes and gives more words and awareness to what is going on with most intimacy anorexics and their partners, as well as describes the pattern to the tee.

In our next blog, we will begin to introduce some solutions for help and healing what is known as the anxious avoidant trap.

Resources: The Complete Healing Journey for Anxious Attachers, by Taha Zaid/Jeff Green

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.