Anxious Avoidant Couples Healing

What does healing look like for couples who have fallen into the anxious avoidant trap? Should they give up, separate or divorce? Both have suffered greatly. Is there hope? Will things ever change for them?

Yes, there is hope, and things can change, as you both move toward your own healing and secure attachment. Is it easy? No. Things worthwhile doing are generally not easy, but they are worth it. It is going to take work. Suffering is not a bad thing, as it creates tremendous growth.

For the anxious partner, they can begin to tolerate moments when they feel rejected or abandoned and work through them. They can learn to re-parent themselves and self-sooth by changing their inner dialogue by not only seeking reassurance from someone other than their partner, but more importantly, from within themselves. They begin to learn how to set boundaries and say “no,” realizing they do not, cannot, and are not responsible for making others happy. They also can begin to discover new and healthy ways to be validated emotionally.

The dismissive/avoidant partner can begin to learn about emotions and feelings. They can begin to identify present feelings and express past emotions in a safe place with a safe person in a healthy way, rather than hiding and stuffing them. They will learn that the relationship will feel better when they express their emotions. They can now connect and be in the present, giving that back to others. They realize they are human with wants and needs that can be met when expressed. They no longer need to avoid them.

In Susan M. Johnson’s book, Attachment Theory in Practice, she does a comprehensive job in clinically explaining attachment theory and treatment for healing. You need to understand that most couples on their own will not be able to heal without the help of a third party even with this information.

She explains the process of changing how the couple communicates much like a dance, a tango.

The Tango is described as:

Mirroring and Reflecting the Present Process – Here the client is allowed to share their story, thoughts, present feelings, and past emotions without judgement from the therapist. The therapist then mirrors, or reflects back, to client by framing what was shared in the simplest form by clarifying the cyclical moments of connection and disconnection to their partner. Much of what the client has experienced is normal, common, and they are validated that they are not alone.

Affect Assembly and Deepening – The therapist is accessible, responsive, and engaged. The therapist helps the client discover their emotional experience in a way that makes sense and is relevant to them. Hard emotions, such as anger, rage, are broken down into deeper or softer emotions, such as shame, fear, sadness, hopelessness, which are examined and expressed. Time is also spent building awareness of where these emotions are held in the body. Discovery and clarification of the reality of each emotion and understanding the deeper longings behind them is the goal.

Choreographing Engaged Encounters – The partner or person who has caused pain in the client’s life is invited into the process in the client’s imagination via visualization or empty-chair role play interactions. The client is allowed to share and express their deeper feelings and longings in a safe, controlled environment with the therapist present and coaching them. The client is also allowed to explain how the other person can help them get their deeper needs met. This process helps the therapist explore the client’s inner world by allowing the client to express and role play it.

Processing the Encounter – The therapist now processes the role play experience with the client by reflecting the emotions that were shared. Together, they explore what enacting the emotions, thoughts, wants, and needs was like for them and the potential response of their partner. Triggers, blocks, and flashbacks can be explored also. The client is allowed to share boundaries they want to implement, providing safety, direction, and reflection, which gives the client momentum to take greater risks to begin to integrate this into their daily life.

Integrating and Validating – In the final steps of the dance, the therapist brings closure and continuity to the process. They highlight the positive emotions the client is experiencing from their work. They highlight the client’s courage to face their painful emotions. Although they have suffered, they see and feel the positive growth their work has accomplished. A newfound freedom is realized. The client can continue to practice this in therapy and within a support group to gain confidence. The client is assured that the therapist will continue to support them and be available, as they begin their life with this new tool.

This takes practice with the help of a trained therapist to guide a couple through this process because the autonomic nervous system is going to take over with habitual emotions reacting to each other in unhealthy, scripted, patterned ways.

The amygdala is in your brain and senses if you are in danger or not. When someone or a situation is threatening you, you will most likely react automatically to the threat in an unhealthy way, thanks to your amygdala. It will take awareness and becoming conscious making a new effort to think about what you are thinking about and feel what you are feeling to retrain and re-parent yourself.

Here are some steps you can take to begin to change yourself and your hard wiring.

Begin to read and educate yourself with new challenging information.
Unlearn what you think you know.
Unattached your ego to what it thinks is “right” or “wrong.”
Stop letting your emotions control you. (Take our Emotional Addiction Self-Assessment).
Learn about Complex PTSD and heal your inner child. (Take our Complex PTSD Self Assessment).
Join a support group.
Contact our office for a consultation today.

Resources: Attachment Theory in Practice by Susan M. Johnson

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.