Breaking Codependency

I continue to write about codependency because 95 percent of my initial appointments with new clients struggle with it, and most have never heard of the word or really do not comprehend it, let alone know what to do about it. This issue is not gender specific, as men and women struggle with it equally. Codependency can be seen in life professionally and/or personally. Rarely have I seen a client maintain both well. Most struggle with one or the other, if not both. I love to teach and make people think, regardless whether they agree with me or not.

Professionally, do you have a difficult time saying “no” at work, feeling a pull to please your peers, customers, and boss? This may be an inability to keep standard work hours, not taking your days off. Do you find yourself pulled between work and family time? Are you fully present at work or are you thinking about your family?

Personally, do you feel you are responsible for the feelings of your partner, family, parents, or friends? Do you have a difficult time saying “no” to your family members? Do you feel obligated when you visit them or shamed when you don’t visit them? Do you use up all your vacation time with extended family but not your immediate family? Are you fully present with your family, or are you thinking about work? Do you still believe it is your partner’s job to make you happy? Read the Parable of Two Empty Cups.

Many tell me, “I am tired all the time, and nobody appreciates all my hard work.” “I hate my job.” “Cory, you do not understand. If I don’t do it, no one else will. I have an annual review coming up. I have kids, a wife, a husband, a mortgage a car payment.” You get the idea.

I do understand all too well we all teach people how to treat us. That is on you. You have no patience with your partner or your kids when you get home because you betrayed yourself all week. You do not manage your schedule or your schedule manages you, as you betray yourself saying “yes” to things you want to say “no” to. If you are losing your compassion and patience, it is because people with boundaries are compassionate people. You have no compassion, love, or patience because you have no boundaries. It’s that simple.

Do you feel responsible for the feelings of others? Do you feel you did something to cause your partner to be upset? Do you feel like you are responsible to lift others up when they are down? Do you feel like you are responsible for your partner’s or kids’ happiness or sadness? Do you feel the energy of others when you enter the room and react accordingly in order to bring balance to the room, “fix it”, or make others laugh to feel better? You most likely did this as a child, which helped you survive your controlling or addicted parental upbringing. You may have played the role of the parent, hero, clown, appeaser, or people pleaser. It helped you survive as a child but will not help you thrive as an adult.

You are just so nice; but it comes at a huge price of your sanity, peace of mind, and most importantly, your health. If you do not learn to say “no,” it will cost you your life. If you continue to not listen to your body, or your bloodwork, your body will shut you down and make you pay attention. It might start with sleepless nights or a mild panic attack. Continue to ignore all that stress, anxiety, and cortisol; and it will cost you. If you continue to ignore the warning “service engine” light on your car, similar to the warning light on your body, you will suffer high blood pressure, ulcers, low energy, excess weight gain or loss, headaches, heart attacks, stroke or finally death.

Not to mention alcohol many consume weekly, if not every night, telling yourself that you need something to calm your nerves down or that you worked hard today and deserve to relax. You believe you can handle it, but it has been handling you for years. Read this article on Alcohol.

Begin today and stop lying to yourself. You deserve better. You are worthy of change. You no longer need to consent to this chaos any longer.

What do you want to do the rest of your life? What do you desire? What are you passionate about? Most codependents, people pleasers, nice guys or gals have no clue how to answer these questions. They have lost themselves in everyone else’s life.

You are a nice guy, you are a nice woman, you are a nice person. Everyone likes you, but at what cost? You are a people pleaser. It needs to stop. No one can take care of you, but you. For you to show up rested, healthy, and not resentful serves you and others better. You must begin to put yourself first.

The first step to breaking codependency is changing the way you think and what you believe.

ACTION STEP: Speak the following words out loud as you read.

“I am not responsible for what others think.”

“I am not responsible for what others feel.”

“I am not responsible for what others do.”

The opposite is also true. “I am responsible for what I think, feel, and do regardless of what others say or do to me.”

What does it feel like to speak these sentences out loud? Is it easy, difficult, sad, angry, emotional or uncomfortable? Do you agree or disagree with the statements? Why do you disagree? What is the egoic voice in your head telling you?

Congratulations on taking the first steps and having the courage to speak those words out loud.

Next, understand that you cannot save anyone.

Giving your time, money, talents or resources for free is not your job.

“I take care of myself first and others second.”

“I am myself. Other people are other people.”

Start saying “no” today.

You do not need to explain why you said “no.”

It is not unkind or mean to say “no.”

When your default is “no,” you come back with a “yes” in a day or two. You are now the hero.

When your default is “yes,” and you take it back with a “no” or do not deliver, you are now the zero.

You are under no obligation to respond to an email, text, or message.

You are under no obligation to explain, justify, or give any reason for your “no.”

You are under no obligation to make others feel better.

Poor planning on the part of others, does not require an emergency on your part.

Stop blaming others. It is key to take personal responsibility if you are going to be FREE from codependency. You have taught people how to treat the old you. It will take some time and consistency to teach people how to treat the new you. When you start to say “no” and set and maintain your boundaries, you may upset a lot of people. It will initially feel very uncomfortable and unfamiliar. They key to your “sobriety” from codependency is to begin to detach from other people and their problems.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.