Lying...is Codependency

In our last blog, we discussed how we are codependent with people personally and professionally. We are beginning to understand how and why we need to say “no” without feeling bad about it and without feeling like we need to explain ourselves. It’s not mean, unkind, or selfish. It is healthy to do so. Breaking the habit, and I would say our addiction to people pleasing, is a real and difficult one, just like alcohol or any drug.

Lying also is a form of codependency. The reason is when we lie directly or indirectly, we want the other person to think the best of us in that moment. We are kicking the can down the road and trying to not disclose our flaws and/or failures. In that moment when we lie, we are often feeling shame about something we did or did not say or do. We feel the disapproval or disappointment of others. So, to please them, we may lie. For many, this may have helped you survive your childhood with abusive and neglectful parents. It served you well. Most likely, you may have suffered from chronic childhood trauma or what we call Complex PTSD. Learn more, by taking the CPTSD Self-Assessment.)

Lies by omission are perhaps the most difficult to weed out.

“Have you been drinking since you got off work?” They respond with a “no” as they began drinking over lunch at a business meeting. But they were not asked the “right” question; therefore, they are not technically “lying.”

Now, some believe not all lies are as big or as bad as others; some are more “justified” than others. Regardless, a lie is a lie. Oftentimes, lies seek to obtain the approval of a person or a situation. They are meant to manage your image as an attempt to control or maintain a positive opinion others may have about you.

(Read 8 Ways Husbands Lie and Women Lie too Just Differently.)

As parents, we have even taught our children how to lie and betray themselves as well as their feelings. (Read the Gift of Sex Addiction.)

You may be thinking, “Cory, you are taking this too far.” I disagree. I do not think so. I am being honest with myself and you.

In fact, that is the point. Before we lie to others, we lie to ourselves first. We lie to ourselves many times throughout the day.

“I will do that tomorrow.”

“I will start eating better next week.”

“I will get up earlier and workout.”

“I will tell my partner my true thoughts and feelings.”

“I just want to relax tonight; I worked hard today.”

More likely than not, we know we will not follow through on any of it. We can be codependent with ourselves. Our egos lie to us by saying, “you will be happy when __________.” Fill in the blank with any of the following: I make more money, my partner changes, I get a new job, I get a new house, I have kids, my prodigal child returns, etc. It is all lies. This way of living only causes endless pain, suffering, and separation. Ego is always about separation, but love is always about connection.

My anxious avoidant couples who are deep in codependency make these classic statements to each other.

“If you would do ______.” “I would do _______.”

“If you would not be such a _______.” “I would not be such a _______.”

“If you would start or stop _________.” “I would start or stop ________.”

You get the idea. This is codependency because you are living outside-in. In essence, you are saying, “I am not responsible for my thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.” “Your behaviors / actions are making me think, feel, and behave this way.” This is the classic victim mentality. You are giving over your power to others to “make” you happy. News flash: your partner, parents, friends, co-workers, or boss will NEVER be or do enough to make you happy.

Do I dare say even in recovery we can become codependent with a support group, therapist, sponsor, higher power, God, Jesus, Budda, Allah, or YHVH, etc.? It is all outside-in living.

I believe this is why so many individuals and couples stay stuck, sick, or live life unrecovered while having years in therapy. They are expecting to be saved or rescued from the outside-in without doing the inner work. The victimized model of recovery will NEVER set you free! (Read Victimized Women Shamed Men.)

The only way out is to take full responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, regardless of others. You must inner-stand this in order to break yourself free. You must start living inside-out. (Read Moving from Outside-In to Inside-Out Living.)

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.