It Is Not a Communication Problem

“It is nice to meet you both today. To get started, what are one or two goals we can begin to address today and in future sessions as we work together?”

This is my opening line with many of couples and individuals I work with. It is my guess that 95 percent of the time the individual or couple will list “learning how to communicate better” as one of the top two issues they want to address.

In this 3-part series, we are going to look at communication from a different perspective.

For many, I understand this is a big problem. There are always exceptions and outliers; however, most couples do not have any problem communicating what they want to eat for dinner, their schedules, vacation plans, who is going to pick up or drop off the kids, scheduling a meeting, arriving to an appointment, what series to binge watch next, or picking up and cleaning the house.

I am not talking about the fact that your partner is chronically late, doesn’t clean up after themselves, keep things as clean as you wish they did or just simply forgets small things or big things, such as picking up your child at school.

Technology, now more than ever, makes communication easier and quicker than ever.

“Back when I was a kid…”

Remember when you went on an 8-hour road trip, and you could not contact a friend or family member until you arrived at their front door. (Yes, you could stop at a gas station and use the pay phone.) Cell phones and texting were not yet available. Tracking your partner’s cell phone on a map was not possible, and yet we all survived.

For some of you, for me to suggest not being in constant communication with a loved one on a road trip creates anxiety just when I suggest it, let alone being unable to communicate and check your phone every few minutes.

Now, I understand it is frustrating, triggering, and gets you hot under the collar when your partner does not follow through on wants, needs, requests, or expectations you have communicated to them hundreds of times.

As I have written in previous blogs extensively about the ego, the deeper issues are your egoic attachment to the outcome of how you believe partner should or should not act, treat you, or meet your expectations.

It is because of this, communication (in my opinion) is not the issue. The real, deeper issue is not communication but emotional regulation. Few, if any of us, have ever been taught how to identify our feelings and emotions (as they are different), recognize where they are being held in your body and then talk about them in a healthy constructive way.

Think about it. Being human means feeling feelings all day long as well as reflecting on past emotions.

Did you ever have a class in grade school, high school, grad school, or on the job training about feelings and emotions? No? Me neither. I did not even begin growing my emotional vocabulary of inner-standing feeling and emotions until I was married with three kids and in recovery for sex addiction and intimacy anorexia.

When most couples get into an argument, it is not because their partner did not hear them. Their partner heard them alright, as they had the same argument dozens of times. The deeper issue is the feelings and emotions the hot topic is bringing up that neither understand how to express in a loving way without what I refer to as the ABCs: accusing, blaming, or criticizing the other person.

Remember, the ego is attached to the need to “be right.” If ego wins, the relationship loses. You can be right… or you can be free. Being right brings slavery and bondage and is a high price to pay, but you will have “won” and yet lost the relationship. Both individuals feel unloved, unheard, and unvalidated.

This is not a communication problem. It is an emotional regulation and expression problem.

Communication is a funny thing. In grade school, you might remember playing “telephone” as you have a circle of 15-20 kids sitting in a circle. The rules are you only get to speak the message one time. Whatever you hear, you repeat into the next child’s ear, regardless if you heard the message clearly or not. Child 1 whispers a sentence into Child 2’s ear. Child 2 whispers into Child 3’s ear. By the time Child 20 repeats the message and delivers it back to Child 1, the message and information is not even recognizable.

We were taught the importance of communication as speaking and listening, yet never taught about the emotional part of the experience and how it made each of us FEEL.

Feelings are the key. Feelings are the secret. Don’t believe me? Talk to a salesman, pick any of them. A good car salesman/woman will not bore you with all the bells and whistles of the car. They get you in it for a test drive and focus on how it makes you FEEL and what it is going to FEEL like showing it off to your family and friends. Feelings are the secret to many things, both positive and negative in your life, but we will look at this in a future blog to understand the writings and wisdom of Neville Godard.

The other issue is that most of the couples I work with do not inner-stand what love is at all. Most couples love the image they project their partner to be. They love when their partner’s opinions and beliefs are the same. Negative feelings begin to take over the body and the hypothalamus when opinions and differences arise, breaking down the ability to really listen without judgement, manipulation, or coercion.

In relationships, the biggest problem is getting past your ego’s emotional attachment of “being right” and how your partner is supposed to treat you; most often, when both parties get stuck being addicted to their negative emotions with neither feeling safe to share openly and honestly without being judged, shamed, or manipulated. Learning how to have a non-egoic conversation is nearly impossible for most couples. This is not limited to couples but adult children with their parents also. It is a problem in professional, business, ministry relationships and leadership.

The other problem is many people do not know the difference between a negative thought versus a negative feeling. The real kicker is when you learn that most of your negative thoughts and feelings are not even true. They are lying to you. It can be very difficult to unlearn that NOT every negative thought you have, or feeling you have, is true. Most, and I would even say up to 90% of them, are not true. It is your super egoic voice or critical voice in your head generating them to keep you separated from love, intimacy, and connection. I have written extensively about this in my 5-part series on the ego. Read more.

So learning how to speak, AND listen, AND then validate your partner’s emotional perspective is critical to this process. We will look at another hurdle most couples fail to overcome in the next blog.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.