Different Does not Mean Deficient

At Transformed Hearts, many of the couples we work with are very successful in their professional lives but struggle tremendously in their personal life with their family, children, or each other.

When I meet with each individual separately, the theme is that both have tremendous ex-sight about their partner but very poor in-sight about themselves. They can point out all their partners flaws but struggle taking responsibility for their own bad habits—let alone being able to apologize for hurtful or harmful behaviors they have caused in their marriage.

In summarizing what both are really saying between the lines, you would hear, “My partner is different than me, which makes them deficient.” They are also saying, “If my partner was just like me…this marriage would be perfect.” The problem is this is not true. In fact, the opposite is true. Your partner’s differences are the very things you need to help show you what you still need to work on.

Women think they want a husband who acts like a woman and can be emotional with them and validate them. Men think they want a wife who acts like a man that talks a little but wants a lot of sex. Female porn over emotionalizes men. Male porn over sexualizes women.

Think of your marriage as nothing more than a mirror. Your partner is simply reflecting you. In fact, all your relationships, personal and professional, are reflecting you. You are the common denominator in all your relationships. We all teach people how to treat us.

In our practice, extensive and intense work is required to help clients unlearn the belief that others need to change. As long a person stays in this type of thinking, believing everyone else needs to change, that person will never become better and stay stuck as a victim. The key is looking at the person in the mirror and taking responsibility for that person. Once an individual begins to understand they need to change and can never change their partner, things will begin to turn around for them as they move from victim to victor.

Your partner’s differences do not indicate they are deficient or need to be “fixed.” More than likely, it indicates you have more unlearning to do about what you believe is true about yourself as well as them. As I have written, unlearning old beliefs is tremendously difficult and scary. However, it is equally freeing.

Your partner’s differences do not mean that they are deficient. Your partner’s “deficiencies” are simply exposing your defects you need to overcome.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.