Dopamine & Relationships

Intimacy is its own source of Dopamine.

– Lembke

“Cory, I love my partner, but… I am just not IN love with them anymore. They are good to me… they just do not do it for me. I think I want to get a divorce.”

More than ever, this is the type of thinking and words I hear with many couples and support groups. Are couples under-whelmed their partners or overindulging in dopamine?

To understand what might be going on, we need to understand Oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone involved in falling in love. It is known as the bonding chemical between a mother and her newborn child. It is also released between sexual partners. It enhances the firing of the brain reward circuit track by increasing the brain with dopamine.

During the honeymoon stage of the relationship, it is generated in large amounts. You have felt it. It is amazing! It is intoxicating being “in love” during this time. It is also a big part of staying IN love. Is “love” nothing more than chemicals from a dopamine hit? We are going to look at this and break it down to better understand.

Dopamine Creates Desire

Scientists have taken rats and mice and blocked their dopamine receptors in their brain. Both were still able to experience pleasure and liked it, when given sugar or food, but they did not want anymore. Neither the rats nor the mice would pursue or desire the reward of sugar or food again. In fact, the mice would starve to death even though the food was right in front of them. Both were still able to experience pleasure and liked it; however without dopamine, the desire died as well as the rodent.

What they found is that without desire dopamine created, no action was taken. The rats and mice were not able to take action toward the reward. They had no anticipated craving. So, dopamine is not just about pleasure, it is the anticipated craving that creates desire, passion, and even the motivation to take action, to move, or to pursue a positive stimuli like food to survive.

Not Enough Dopamine

Behavioral scientists have also discovered individuals with emotionally damaged centers to their brain due to trauma or neglect may like to take action but will not act, want or desire to take action because they do not have the strong wiring of positive emotions caused by dopamine to drive them which creates the craving to motivate them to act.

This is interesting, because at Transformed Hearts we specialize in working with those who suffer from complex PTSD which is often caused by chronic childhood neglect or trauma. As adults, many suffer from intimacy and attachment issues. They were children in dysfunctional homes expressing wants and needs but were punished or ignored. They liked it when they were able to connect or “be fed” with love, but the emotional neglect over time with no dopamine reward wires a brain to no longer want to take action, pursue, or desire connection. This attachment style is known as avoidant / dismissive.

Too Much Dopamine

I have observed that avoidant / dismissive attachment styles often meet and fall in love with anxious or fearful attached individuals. Anxious and fearful attachment style individuals oftentimes seek affirmation or connection (aka dopamine) outside the relationship of their avoidant partner with friends or family traditionally. However, now with the internet, social media makes it easier and more rewarding by receiving that affirmation with likes or comments. Their profiles can even now be significantly monetized.

So, I began to connect some dots from my reading and research and asked internet AI platforms some questions. AI quickly revealed to me that the average female adult spends 2.5-3 hours a day scrolling on social media. Adult men spend an average of 2-2.25 hours a day scrolling on social media. The amount of dopamine released to the brain is 200-1000% above the baseline. The amount of dopamine released after a person reunites and engages with their partner is only
40-60% above baseline!

Did you read that? You might want to read that again.

There is no way the small amount of dopamine you received from the human connection of your loved one can compete with the dopamine you received from social media that you gorged yourself with. You come back together after being apart for the day. You will feel very little reward. In fact, you will feel…nothing but bored, disinterested, and unloved. You are “drunk” on or full of the other dopamine. Due to your compulsive overconsumption, not to mention the sugar, carbs, shopping, etc., you experienced during the day. No amount of the natural love hormone oxytocin will be able generate enough dopamine to compete. When everything is pleasurable, nothing is pleasurable.

Maximum Uncertainty

Social media also creates the dopamine fix of what is called maximum uncertainty. This is what gamblers at the highest probability point of the experience of winning or losing everything. Some gambling addicts actually hope to lose at times, because it creates a stronger urge to continue gambling. The more they lose the stronger the rush to push to win. This is known as losing chase. This is similar to social media to receive approval from likes, as it is unpredictable creating and reinforcing uncertainty.

This uncertainty or scarcity also creates what is called emotional tension (aka seduction) which many females desire to feel throughout the day with their partner. This emotional tension can be positive or negative. Many will create this feeling of seduction with negative emotional tension with their dismissive partner as they no longer feel IN love, so they would rather feel something rather than nothing.

The Dips and Detox

Remember in our last blog that after a dopamine peak the dip falls below baseline and will take 30 minutes to 3 hours to detox and level off again. However, this for the non-habitual social media consumer. To be honest, the average person is habitually on social media. If that is you, it can take a minimum of 1-3…days! Most people are not off their phones for more than 12 hours, let alone 1-3 days, so their brain never resets and will most likely not enjoy pleasure or connection of their partner.

As I have written in my previous blog on social media, not only does scrolling put you in a filter bubble, echo chamber, or confirmation bias reinforcing not only the things you like and purchase but also gives you feeds about your dissatisfaction with your partner. Either way, both are overloading your pleasure center of your brain with dopamine like an addict. Read Social Media, Confirmation Bias, & Echo Chambers: https://www.transformedhearts.com/social-media-confirmation-bias-echo-chambers/

We live in an overstimulated world. Our brains are being triggered to deliver dopamine constantly.

Wise vs. Foolish

Dopamine is not about good or bad, right or wrong. We need to think in terms of what is wise versus what is foolish. Without pleasure, we would not feed ourselves, we would not reproduce or create communities to connect with each other over common interests. We would not be excited to get out of bed. Without pain, we would not protect ourselves or those we love from the threats of injury or death.

Next, we will look at how to reset the brain and your relationships.

Sources: Dopamine Nation -Anna Lembke, Atomic Habits -James Clear

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.