What is rewarded is repeated.
What is punished is avoided.
– James Clear
Many couples who come to Transformed Hearts are struggling with feeling unloved, unseen, and unappreciated. There are many reasons this might be happening, such as emotional deregulation, alcohol, sex addition, past traumas, parenting, stress, chapter of life, or attachment styles, etc.
However, one reason this needs to be considered is the positive and negative impact dopamine has on the human ability to be intimate.
Food, porn, drugs, alcohol, compulsively checking your phone, social media, shopping, gambling, gaming, exercise, all create dopamine. Its access is endless.
Are we all just dopamine junkies then? Are we all victims?
In a relationship, one may be getting too much dopamine from social media, seeking unpredictable likes causing maximum uncertainty creating the emotional tension of seduction. The other partner’s dopamine center may struggle with restrictions due to trauma and neglect. These are not excuses to let either off the hook or cast blame, but we cannot change what we cannot own and take individual responsibility for.
If both partners are on their devices for 2-3 hours a day and perspectives are being reinforced with negative thoughts and feelings about their partner, many get caught up comparing themselves and their partner to everything they are not as compared to having gratitude for who they are and what they have.
Remember, the brain can receive up to one thousand times the amount of dopamine before connecting with their “loved one” only to experience only sixty times above the dopamine baseline.
The feel-good chemical of dopamine generated by the love hormone of oxytocin no longer feels rewarding, exciting, motivational, or “loving.”
These peak states of dopamine followed by the dips and going below baseline causes an unpleasant cycle. The relationship may be in trouble unless both partners understand what is going on. They can turn it around, but it is going to take some self-discipline to reset and detoxify.
James Clear in his book Atomic Habits does a great job explaining how you can make the smallest micro changes to begin to see big results. He explains that positive emotions cultivate habits. What is rewarded is repeated. At the same time, negative emotions destroy habits. That is to say; what is punished is avoided.
Positive Emotions Cultivate Habits
Dopamine creates a lot of positive feelings, so this is going to take self-discipline to unlearn. Just because something feels good does not mean it is good for you, so we need to make good, healthy habits that may cause discomfort easy to access. For example, put your shoes next to your bed in the morning to remind you to go for a morning walk or get on the treadmill for a few minutes.
Begin to Reward Yourself
What is rewarded is more likely to be repeated.
Negative Emotions Destroy Habits
Make bad habits difficult to access. Set up your kitchen with easy access to fruits and vegetables. Make watching television difficult by unplugging it. Put your phone in a different room that is not next to you while you are working. Make it smooth and easy. The greater the friction the less likely the good habit will re-occur.
If you decide to make some changes during this time, be supportive, kind, and safe with each other as well as with yourself.
Steps towards Reboot and Detox
Rebooting and detoxing your brain will take some time. You will need to fast and abstain from these pleasurable behaviors for period of time.
- First, do you have a problem? Do you find that dopamine withdrawal may be causing you a problem in your career, with your money, legal issues, health or your personal relationships? If so, you might have a problem.
- Am I in enough pain and is this enough of a priority for me to make some changes? Realize this will not be a quick fix. This will take self-discipline to decide to abstain and fast from social media.
- Shift your thinking that you do not HAVE to do this, but you GET to do this. Things worthwhile are generally never easy to begin with.
- Start small with an hour and build your way up adding an hour a day. Decide to be one percent better. Decide how many days you want to fast, such as a mini fast for a few hours or a full fast for days or weeks.
- Turn off as many notifications on your electronic devices as possible.
- Remove tempting apps you never use or are causing you problems or taking too much of your time.
- Find a friend, partner, or group to create a buddy system for accountability.
- Replace this time you spent on social media with reading, grounding or enjoying nature, mediation, yoga, breath work, or go for a walk, serve others, or revisit an old hobby.
- Keep a gratitude journal of all the small and simple things and people in your life. Express your gratitude with those around you. Track your progress. Set small achievable goals with a deadline.
- Look for the small wins and reward yourself with positive self-talk, watch a favorite movie, treat yourself with your favorite ice-cream, yogurt, smoothie, tea, or coffee drink.
- In time, in moderation, reintegrate apps or podcasts that challenge your mental, emotional, relational, spiritual, and physical growth.
Source: Atomic Habits by James Clear
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
