Double Messages

I am a big fan of support groups and materials of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families; ACoA. Do an web search and find a meeting near you in person or online. You do not need to be a child of an alcoholic to relate to their material or fit in.

In the book, Adult Children of Alcoholics by Dr. Janet G Woititz, it explains things you may have experienced growing up in such a home:

You have to guess what “normal behavior” was; each and every day.
You are a good starter but unable to finish projects.
You may lie when there is no need to lie.
You judge yourself constantly.
You have difficulty having fun and laughing at yourself.
You take yourself way too seriously.
You have problems with personal and professional relationships.
You try to control situations outside of your control.
You feel like you do not fit in with others.
You feel overly responsible for everyone’s happiness.
You are loyal to a fault and to your own demise.
You struggle with impulsive behaviors and addictions.

Now, if you answer yes to six or more of these above, you more than likely are a child of an alcoholic and may not be that surprised. However, what if you say, “Cory, I answered almost all of these yes, but my parents were not alcoholics; what is going on?”

Well, you more than likely grew up in a dysfunctional family, and this is my point and what we are going to look at today. Dysfunctional families come in all shapes and sizes and with open, hidden, or secret addictions.

Regardless, if you had a parent (or parental figure) who was an alcoholic or had a dysfunctional family system, one thing is constant: the double messages you received. This is also known as what we call in mental health a double bind or learned helplessness. A double bind occurs when an individual receives two conflicting messages from the same source. Regardless of how they respond, it will be perceived as “wrong,” cause confusion or anxiety and a sense of powerlessness. For more information on learned helplessness, click here.

Let me explain. More than likely, you received a lot of double messages growing up, which contradicted each other. You tried to figure out what was true and what was false. This may significantly impact a child’s self-worth, confidence, and decision-making abilities. The messages were never clear or distorted, causing confusion. What worked yesterday or an hour ago more than likely will not work right now. There was no rest, no safety, as you always had to be on your guard and ready to respond. You had to constantly read the people in the room to survive; putting your wants and needs second and theirs first…all of the time.

Janet Woititz gives us five examples:

“I love you, go away.”

Your mom or dad would say they loved you, but they would never have time for you. To survive, you had to believe both. You are attracted to relationships that draw you in and push you away. This is familiar and comfortable to you.

“Why can’t you do anything right? …I need you!”

The child was pushed not just to get good grades, such as an A but A+ all the time. You were asked to help around the house and then criticized for doing it “wrong.”

“Always tell me the truth; but I really do not want to know the truth.”

You were told telling the truth got you into less trouble…sometimes. You had to deal with burdening them with the truth and worry about overwhelming their life even more than it was. You also heard them lie frequently, covering up for each other and the family…and that was allowed for the sake of the family.

“I will be there for you. I give you my word…maybe not this time; next time.”

The caregiver would promise to take you shopping on Saturday or take you to the park after work.

“Everything is fine, do not worry.” “I can’t deal with this all by myself, I need help.”

They may have promised you that things would change, but they never did. They would take care of it but then needed or expected your help. Mom would tell you that Dad was drunk and did not really mean what he said or did. You need to have more understanding and compassion for him. You may have had to get him to bed or clean up after him and the mess he made while drunk.

Regardless, if you were raised by an alcoholic or not and this was your childhood, most likely you were raised by a caregiver or parent who was very controlling with opinions of what was “right” and what was “wrong.” They may have parented you with shame and guilt while struggling with their own anxiety or depression. They were overly religious, medicated with drinking in moderation, used weed, smoked cigarettes, took painkillers, struggled with overeating, over exercising, watched daytime soaps regularly, struggled to maintain a job, struggled with money, or perhaps even were an undiagnosed-covert or overt narcissist.

Are you understanding this and beginning to connect the dots? You can begin to “inner-stand” why you struggle with decision making, people pleasing, codependency issues, addiction issues, or your own history of anxiety and depression. You are beginning to see why your personal and professional relationships struggle. You continue to find yourself in toxic relationships. The double bind you feel is a no-win situation no matter what you choose to do. You are beginning to see why you continue to believe what people tell you. Even though their behaviors do not match their words, you stay in toxic relationships.

Step 1 in recovery states: “We admitted we are powerless over our addiction(s)—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

I share this to say that as children, we were all powerless over these double messages. As adults, we are no longer powerless over them.

To get healthy today, right now, you will need to stop listening to their words and start watching their behaviors. This will be uncomfortable and unfamiliar to you and will feel “wrong”. But I promise you, it is the wiser way to live, and life will begin to get better for you.

Finally, you will also need to stop giving double messages to those around you in all of your personal and professional relationships. More than likely, you are replicating the same behaviors your parents did to you. Breaking this pattern will be very hard, but it is so worth the new-found freedom on the other side. It will be hard to change, but it is also hard to continue what you are doing. Choose your hard.

Source: Expanded Edition Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz Ed.D.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.