As we have been learning in the blog series addressing the ego, there are many layers to its complexity. We are learning about the complexity of integration. I often wonder how any relationship survives over any length of time. How can a person with three wounded, broken, neglected, and fragmented parts of themselves have any chance of a healthy, positive relationship with a partner most likely in the same state? Last time I checked, two times three equals six. Is it any wonder over fifty percent of all marriages in the United States fail? Perhaps, it is a miracle less than fifty percent stay together.
For the majority of people, it is in the pain of their relationship that they realize this person and their relationship with them would make them happy was a lie. Suffering in relationships exposes the things we need to work on as an individual. Suffering is where growth begins to occur. If one is suffering greatly, be comforted knowing that you are growing emotionally and relationally, but most importantly, spiritually equally so. Growth is not easy, but we are grateful for it.
However, most people are not thankful. They wonder why they keep having the same issues with their partner or keep picking the same type of person with a different name and receiving the same results. The reason is that God, your higher self, and the Universe are trying to teach you a lesson. You are not getting the lesson; and until you do, you do not get to go to the next lesson or the next level.
I tell my clients all that time that your picker is broken. For you men, I did not say your pecker. In my career, I have had men and women married 6, 7 and even 9 times. What is going on here? Many people desire a better partner or someone better than they are to lift them up to a higher level of healthiness. The problem is this will never happen. You will only attract the level of healthiness that you are. If you want a healthier partner, you must first become healthier yourself, and this takes time to work on that person in the mirror.
Many individuals struggle with codependency. Much like a plastic cup with holes in it, it cannot hold any liquid – let alone pour into another. Most couples are two empty plastic cups with holes, expecting their partner to flow love into them and fill them up, complete them, and make them happy; but no one can give what they do not have. The individuals do not even love themselves – let alone have anything to give to anyone else. Both must heal their own holes and begin to look for peace, completeness, and wholeness from deep within. As they do this, they now have love for themselves and love to give to others. If both participate in this, codependency goes away, but the fragmented egos must heal first.
As each continues to heal – not demanding or expecting perfection from each other that will fill their lack and scarcity – love and abundance can flourish as fear and lack disappear. Now there is more than enough love for themselves, each other, and others multiplying positively. We forgive and love ourselves without judgment.
The pure, holy, sacred love and sexuality transforms us and our relationship. We no longer seek to change someone but now accept them without judgement. We have unattached ourselves from a belief of who, what, and how others should be for our own selfish gain.
Each partner is now able to see how beautiful and complete they and their partner are in the present. The relationship transforms into what can I give, rather than what can I get. Emotional intimacy improves outside, improving sexual intimacy in the bedroom.
| Ego/ Unconscious | Holy Spirit/ Conscious |
| Fear | Love |
| Learned how to Fear after birth | Born with Love |
| Manifest Hell on the Outside | Manifest Heaven within |
| Anxiety | Peace |
| Limited | Limitless |
| Stuck in Lack | Flows with Abundance |
| Attached to Results and Outcomes | Unattached from Results and Outcomes |
| Low Vibration | High Vibration |
| Low Frequency | High Frequency |
| Sin means missing the mark, try harder | Sin means the lack of Love |
| Religious Dogma | Spiritual Freedom |
| Answers are outside of you | Answers are already within you |
| Right vs Wrong | Wise vs Foolish |
| Someone’s Love will Complete me | I am complete now |
| Codependency | Interdependency |
| What can I get? | What can I give? |
| Separation | Oneness |
| Looking for someone to Attack | Looking for someone to Love |
| Love is about Exploitation and Manipulation | Love is about Acceptance and Validation |
| Sex is used to wound | Sex is used to heal |
| Narcissistic Personality that demands perfection | Imperfection is part of being Human |
| Closed Heart | Open Heart |
| Contempt | Respect |
| Complain | At Peace |
“When sex is of the Holy Spirit [consciousness], it is a deepening of communication. When it is of the Ego [unconsciousness], it is a substitute for communication. The Holy Spirit uses sex to heal us; the ego uses it to wound us.”
Sources: Complex PTSD -Pete Walker, A New Earth -Eckhart Tolle, A Return to Love -Marrianne Williamson, Aaron Abke Podcast YouTube, Richard Grannon Fortress Mental Health Protection YouTube
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
