It was once thought that alcoholism was only a male issue. Drug addiction was thought to be similar. Today, we know female alcoholics and drug addicts are almost equal to male alcoholics and drug addicts and in some demographics exceed men. Should we be surprised female sex addiction is growing at an alarming rate? I project female sex addicts will equal their male counterparts in the next 10 to 20 years, and that may be conservative.
Statistics are showing women are not just into erotic literature anymore. [Women are Searching Hardcore Genres] I am a little embarrassed to say that my home state of South Dakota leads the way. For a flyover-state, women are spending a great deal of time landing on porn sites. Romance novels or what I refer to as “female porn”, such as 50 Shades of Grey are becoming outdated. Stats are showing that reading is not enough.
Historically, women were stimulated by such romance novels, but the demand for pictures, images, and videos for women is exploding. The old cliché that men are visual and women are relational may no longer be accurate.
What key words are women searching? Here are a few: for women, lesbian, solo male, hardcore, rough sex, gangbang, threesome, and step dad/daughter…you get the idea – and much more explicit terms. This behavior is not by accident but very intentional. Women between 18 to 24 years old are the largest consumers. But why? What is going on here? It’s not just millennials either.
Here are 10 things to consider:
1. Internet Access – Internet accessibility is at an all-time high and only growing. We have the ability to access pornography 24/7. We carry it with us every day just by the mere fact of owning a smartphone. The ability to view it in private without any accountability makes it so easy with very little to no fear of getting caught.
2. Media Exposure – The media from movies, TV, commercials, ads, magazines, clothing lines, cosmetics, music and even ads for toiletries condition women what it means to act and look like a woman. Not only look like a woman but look smoking hot and sexy while using these products. Women are sold a lie that this is what it means to be desirable to be loved – to be sexy and desirable is to be loved. In fact; eluding to the idea that sex is love, but this is a lie – just ask any prostitute.
3. Schools and Colleges – Grade schools and universities are now getting in on the action, exposing children as early as kindergarten to pornography through common core and now the gender unicorn.
4. Sexual Curiosity – Women are curious about sex and their sexuality and should be. Sex and their feminine sexuality was created by God. It is a holy, beautiful thing. However, it is this innocent healthy curiosity that is being distorted and taken advantage of.
5. Same Sex Attraction – The media sells women that it is hip, cool, and politically correct to be bisexual. Many females have been sexually abused by men, and those who have may find female relationships safer. Also, for some, sex with a female has been their only experience and believe living as a lesbian tends to make the most sense.
6. Poor Parenting – There are many reasons parents do not talk to their daughters about sex and sexuality. The biggest one is their sexual shame and poor choices they have made. I encourage parents to be the parents they never had and talk to their daughters about sex as well as educate them.
7. Love versus Lust – Sex is not love. It is one of the biggest lies of the century. Love gives. In fact, love gives to give. Lust takes. Lust is self-focused, only about you. Lust gives to get.
8. Visual versus Emotional – Due to the media age, women just like men are being conditioned to be more visual. Generally, women only have sex with men they are emotionally close to; however, this does not seem to be the case anymore in our hookup culture. Women are becoming just as visual as men and will hook up for sex with many men who they have no emotional connection to.
9. Love Addiction versus Sex Addiction – Generally, a love addict enjoys the journey of the relationship and the emotional connection, as they travel up the mountain. Sex might be a part of the relationship, but it is not the focus as much as companionship and emotional validation.
The sex addict is all about the sex, and the experience on top of the mountain to get an orgasm. On one end, the female sex addict is interested in the seduction of men or women. They find excitement and power in sex but also the seduction, as they go to great lengths and wear specific clothing or a power suit, know their lines, looks and locations as part of the journey. On the other end of the continuum, a female sex addict is just interested in the eye candy of the men around her and may or may not dabble in internet activity, such as dating sites, services, porn and/or masturbation.
10. The Lack of Healthy Fear – Many addicts no longer have a healthy sense of fear of being caught or found out. This is not only true for female sex addicts but also for male sex addicts or any addict. They have little to no fear of STDs, pregnancy, or a healthy guilt or shame. They have no fear of God either. Addicts need their fix. Life has become unmanageable and out of control, but they do not care and cannot stop. They may be suffering from trauma, mood or even personality disorders, and sex helps kill the pain – even though the behavior is effecting their career, legal status, health, money, or relationships.
If you think you are a female sex addict, know you are not alone. There is help, hope and a way out.
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.