Forgiveness Part 5 | Offended Relationships

Offended with Family

Nothing brings this into the light better than family gatherings or reunions, weddings, funerals or holiday get-togethers. During these times, family dynamics between siblings, parents, and grandparents all tend to come to the surface. Nothing brings out the holiday cheer and the best in us than a family visit.

It’s so sad that the ones we are the closest to have oftentimes hurt us or been hurt by us the most. When you think about it, this logically makes sense. Generally, strangers don’t hurt us to the depth in which family can, because no time has been spent with a stranger. The more time we spend with someone the greater the vulnerability and risk of being hurt at a deep level can occur, and those vulnerabilities can be used against us.

Some of the countless stories I have heard with the deepest wounds are from physical, emotional, and sexual abuses inflicted by siblings upon each other. It’s also sad that in many situations their parents were unaware of the abuse, or they were aware but did nothing about it to protect the child or children who were abused.

Offended with Friends

Very few of our friends from our youth survive into our adulthood. Now, there are some exceptions that have withstood the test of time as well as moves, distance, and offenses since we have been able to forgive each other through the bad times. These friends are also known as covenant friends as compared to committed or casual friends. You may have 1 to 3 covenant friends in your lifetime. Keep them close, as they are a rare find.

Offended at Work

The more time you spend with people the more potential there will be for offenses to occur. In the West, the average, full-time employee works at least 40 hours a week. In all reality, 40 hours a week is becoming a thing of the past, as I see more and more people working 60 to 80 hours a week just to make ends meet.

Spending this much time at work, we are more likely to have conflict with those we work with, such as colleagues, peers, bosses, or employees. Work relationships can start out well but can quickly become toxic as coworkers get to know each other and their annoying habits. Personality and moral differences begin to wear on one another.

There is also the issue of office politics. There are those who play and those who do not. Is the business family owned or are you part of a corporation? Since we know we cannot change others, all we can do is know ourselves well enough to understand what work relationships we do and do not do well with.

Offended with Politics/Government

Every 2 to 4 years with local and national elections, citizens have the opportunity to express their opinions about government figures verbally or with their vote. These opinions may be in support of one candidate or in the disapproval of another. More than ever, opinions are shared on social media. More often than not, the manner in which these opinions are shared are more harmful than helpful. When it comes to politics and government, being offended is alive and well.

Offended with Religion

What good are politics without religion? Most political views are founded on values and morals that are based on a religion, denomination, or tradition.

It has been said that if you want to end a friendship, just discuss politics and religion. Some of the greatest and most horrific things have been done in the name of religion. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and any other religious sect are all guilty. Right, wrong, or indifferent—it is the truth.

As I have said before, I like to think of religion as humanity’s way of explaining and quantifying spirituality. In many cultures (just like politics), there is a pendulum that swings back and forth with each generation since it is ever changing and correcting to keep balance to what seemed out of balance before. Religious views and opinions are much the same.

People in my generation are wising up to the fact that following a religious practice is not about being perfect. The next generation, known as the millennials, want nothing to do with religion—much less the church because they see the hypocrisy.

Offended with Church

Now, more than I can ever remember in my lifetime, our Western culture has become offended with the Christian church. There are as many reasons as there are people. One of the biggest reasons may be because the Church is now known for what it stands against, not what it is stands for. The catch phrases of today state the church appears to be intolerant and judgmental, especially of those who do not follow its religious rules. Some of the most offended people are the most intolerant of all, yet they will not admit to this double standard.

The church has done many things wrong. I myself have been critical of it, yet we are called to love the church. The church is the bride of Christ; however, most of the time, she is not so pretty and very ugly. Church leadership is led by fallen, imperfect people, so how can we expect the institution of the church to be any different? Traditionally, church has been a place to live, die, and repeat – or should I say live, sin, and repent? Come back every week, and your sins will be forgiven…yet again.

In any church on any given Sunday, the message is about people who are sinners, and they are reminded of their badness. They feel condemned, hopeless, powerless, and beat-up week after week. However, this was never how it was intended to be.

In John 3:17, Jesus said, “I did not come to condemn.” He came to love and set people free. In Ephesians 2:10, we are told we are God’s workmanship, craftsmanship, and a work of art created to do His good works. Psalm 139:14 states that “we are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

If I were giving the sermon, I would ask all the people in the congregation, “Does anyone here today not know you are a sinner? Does anyone here today not know you are bad? Please stand up and let us have a good look at you.”

Everyone knows they are sinners and about their badness! This is why they are at church seeking freedom from it! They are reminded every day—every hour by Satan himself, the great accuser! If that is not enough, Satan has his minions, such as friends, family, spouses, and pastors to do his dirty work for him as accusers too! This needs to change.

Now, on the other side of the pendulum, there are those who preach and teach all prosperity and grace, which is just as unhealthy. God is a genie who has to obey our every command. This is also known as witchcraft. This is no better as compared to the evil judge who is only there to condemn you and sentence you to hell.

Offended with God

Many who are offended with the church do not know what the church stands for as well as who Jesus is or who he is not. He is a loving father—just like a parent who wants what is best for their children to keep them safe. The Bible is not there to keep us from having fun or to be a buzz kill. The Bible is God’s truth to keep us from destroying ourselves and serves as a guide to bless our lives in every way.

Most people who are offended with the church do not understand that when we follow the Word of God there is more responsibility given and much freedom. With obedience to His promises, the blessings will follow. However, Satan will try everything in his power to steal, kill, and destroy you, as it says in John 10:10. Many who are offended with God actually have a misguided offense that should be directed at Satan. Because of this offense against religion and the church, many are mistakenly offended with God.

Offended with Myself

Finally, some of the biggest offenses we hold are the offenses we hold against ourselves. Most people have no problem receiving and understanding forgiveness from God. However, it can be extremely difficult for some to forgive themselves. Oftentimes, these individuals also have a hard time loving themselves. Many are overachievers and very driven individuals. They set the bar so high for themselves financially, physically, and in personal and professional relationships that they rarely ever achieve the goal, so they beat themselves up with shame. If on a rare occasion they do achieve and surpass a goal, they make statements such as, “I could have done better.” Why do they do this? Where does this come from?

Generally, adults who live this way grew up with parents who were very difficult to please; and no matter how hard they tried, it was never good enough. More than likely, the child grew up in a home where one or both parents were intimacy anorexics. Love was used as a weapon and withheld from the child. If love or affirmation was given, it usually was backhanded or passive aggressive.

As I shared previously, the child may have grown up in a double-bind relationship caused by the parents. A child who grows up in a home with this environment walks away with core beliefs, vows, and agreements where love and forgiveness were earned. You had to be perfect to be loved. To be imperfect means you were unlovable.

With the hard work of recovery and the power of prayer, you can begin to set yourself free from offensive, shameful behaviors against yourself. You are not going to feel like forgiving. It will take the act of obedience to begin to choose to forgive yourself. Begin today and simply choose to stop accusing, blaming, and criticizing yourself. In time, the feelings will follow. You will then begin to understand and believe you are flawed AND loved. You are loved for you are, not for what you do (Offended Deceived Addicted, pages 84-90.)

Take the first step now and forgive yourself. You are worth it. You are loved for who you are, not for what you do. The enemy, Lucifer, has robbed you of joy, peace, and love in your relationships. Don’t waste any more time.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.