Forgiveness Part 6 | True Forgiveness, Letting Go

Are you doing Lucifer’s work?

As we learned, he is the great accuser. When we accuse, blame, and criticize ourselves or others, we are doing his bidding… for free.

At some point before Lucifer became Satan, he became offended with God. He was a beautiful, ordained, and anointed high priest of heaven with nine stones on his breastplate. Yet at some point, even with all that, he believed his rights had been violated.

He believed he deserved worship, power, praise, and riches that did not belong to him, but to God, the Father, and to His Son, Jesus. He believed God was still withholding good things from him. He had been deceived!

Over a long period of time – we do not know how much time had passed – he began to trade merchandise in the form of goods for himself and began to gossip to other angels. He began trading goods, gossiping about God, and became rich. He then became addicted. He couldn’t stop, nor did he want to. Instead, he wanted to replace God by taking his place.

After losing a battle with God’s faithful angels, he was cast into the abyss. Please understand the abyss is not hell. God did not create hell. Lucifer created hell after he was cast into the abyss outside of the created order. He was placed into a realm of nothingness. In this realm, Lucifer created hell from the essence of who he is, which was now 100 percent evil. He changed everything about himself from his own imagination. It is believed he even changed his name to illustrate further rebellion since it reminded him of heaven.

Satan reentered the created world through a serpent, accused God, and did his best to deceive Eve. He tried to convince her that God was also withholding something good from her, even in the midst of paradise. He wanted her to become offended by God just like he was.

Did you ever notice Adam and Eve only had one rule to follow? The ten commandments would not be revealed until many years later. The one rule: “Don’t eat of that tree.” Still, they could not follow that one rule!

After the fall of Adam and Eve, there is something interesting that occurs. Scripture says they immediately felt shame when their eyes were opened. They sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. The cool of the evening came, and this was the time of day God walked in the garden. As God called out to them, Adam and Eve played hide-and-seek.

I can just imagine after the fall God comes on the scene and asks Adam, “What happened here? Why are you hiding from me?” (As if he didn’t know, right?)

Finally, they responded, and God just gets directly to the heart of the issue. “Did you eat from the tree I commanded you not to eat?”

It’s this Woman…YOU Gave Me…

Adam and Eve’s response is so classic. Let’s look at their response.

“The man replied, ‘It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.’

Then the Lord God asked the woman, ‘What have you done?’

‘The Serpent deceived me,’ she replied ‘That’s why I ate it.’” – Genesis 3:12-13 (NLT)

This is interesting. Adam accuses Eve AND God in the same breath. Eve accuses and blames the serpent for the deception. Can you imagine the audacity of Adam blaming Eve AND God?

Don’t judge or condemn them too quickly. At some point in our lives, we have all been like Adam and Eve. Accusation has been part of this world since the beginning with the very first couple. It is also at the end of the Bible in Revelation 12:11, when Satan is the one who accuses our brothers and sisters before God day and night.

Did you know Jesus faced the same temptation? He also had the opportunity to accuse the children of God. Many think the only temptations Jesus faced were the three temptations in the desert after his 40 days of fasting in Luke chapter 4. However, I think Jesus faced a final temptation in the following passage.

When they came to a place called the Skull, they nailed him to the cross. And the criminals were also crucified—one on his right and one on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” – Luke 23:33-34 (NLT)

Jesus was falsely accused to pay with his life for a crime He did not commit. I think this is the last temptation Jesus faced in his most vulnerable moment—the moment right before His death. After all the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain He endured, He forgives those who crucified Him.

I also believe this is the final temptation we will all face upon our death. Can we truly forgive everyone who we believe has treated us unjustly?

I began to understand that true forgiveness only happens when I cease to accuse, blame, or criticize those who I believe have done me wrong. For most of my life, I misunderstood forgiveness. This understanding has changed my life and set me free. I did not need anyone to come to me and ask me to forgive them. I could forgive them right now and set myself free!

It did not take me long to realize that many of my clients who struggled with being offended and addictions also struggled with understanding forgiveness as I did. Many of them grew up in the church and misunderstood the meaning of true forgiveness. Generally, my clients who have not grown up in the church have had a better understanding of forgiveness and are quicker to let go of an offense than many of my Christian clients.

Putting it All Together

From Genesis to Revelation, we see that Satan is the great accuser. When we accuse our spouse, ourselves, loved ones, strangers, enemies, or an institution, we are doing Satan’s will and becoming a slave to him, stuck in his trap.

True forgiveness is not just forgiving others in their wrongness and in our rightness. It is in all essence letting go of the offense. We actively choose to stop accusing, blaming, and criticizing others. It is true that our perception is our reality, but our reality is not always perceived correctly, especially when we are offended and flooded with emotion.

As we look at this passage in Luke 23, I believe Jesus was really saying, “Father, I am laying down my rights, and I choose not to accuse, blame, or criticize those who are crucifying me. They do not know what they are doing.”

I firmly believe this was Christ’s final temptation. Had He not meant forgiveness to be defined in this way, He would have been doing the work of Satan, not His Heavenly Father. Satan never stops, even to the bitter end, as he tried to destroy God’s plan to restore humanity.

Once you understand this vital truth, it will bring you great freedom. It places the traditional understanding of forgiveness upside down.

Now, let’s look at an example of the traditional understanding of forgiveness and a non-traditional understanding of forgiveness.

Traditional Understanding of Forgiveness (Offended Unforgiveness)

I like to think of traditional forgiveness as offended unforgiveness, because it is not really forgiveness at all. Here is an example of what it is like.

In this example, a husband will ask his wife for forgiveness about two offenses.

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Husband: Susan, I want to ask you to forgive me for lying to you about our finances.

Wife: I need more time with that.

Husband: Thank you for your honesty.

_______________________________________________________________________

Husband: I hope you can forgive me for my emotional and physical affair.

Wife: John, I need more time with that.

Husband: Thank you for being honest. I can appreciate that.

_______________________________________________________________________

Now, it’s the wife’s turn to ask for forgiveness.

Wife: John, I hope you can forgive me for calling you names.

Husband: I can forgive you for that.

Wife: Thank you, I receive that.

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Wife: I want you to forgive me for talking bad about you to my mom.

Husband: Susan, I think I need more time with that.

Wife: Thank you for your honesty.

_______________________________________________________________________

The conversations you just read are what most people think of when they think of forgiveness and how it happens. I am not sure when, where, or how we came to understand forgiveness in this way. It is very common; and by the most popular way, this is how I see forgiveness practiced. The problem is that I do not find a similar example in the Bible. In fact, the Pharisees confronted Jesus about this in the Gospels since He forgave the sins of others.

“Why does this fellow talk like that? He blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?” – Mark 2:7

Jesus replies, “If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” – John 20:23

Is this a contradiction or a misunderstanding of true forgiveness?

Problems with Offended Unforgiveness

There are three problems with this traditional model or format of forgiveness.

Problem #1 | First, the person seeking forgiveness is held hostage by the others ability and willingness to forgive. Until that happens, there is no freedom.
Problem #2 | The second problem is that the one who needs more time or is unable or refuses to forgive is now burdened by having to do the work of forgiveness. In addition, they are bound to them spiritually until they forgive them in their perceived “wrongness” and their perceived “rightness”, or whenever the terms of penance have been paid per their satisfaction. They are, in fact, being and playing small “g”—“god.” This is a very dangerous place to be. The flesh, the ego, and Satan love it when we are in this position.
Problem #3 | This brings us to the third problem. Most people are not listening to what the “offender” is asking forgiveness for as much as what they believe the offender should be asking forgiveness for. This is as if you are trying to serve as their conscious, as you play the role of the Holy Spirit. In recovery, we call this taking someone else’s inventory.

This is not forgiveness. This person is still offended. Therefore, they are still deceived and unable to forgive with success.

Offended…unforgiveness has occurred and neither party has received any freedom.

There must be a better way, and I believe there is.

Non-Traditional Understanding of Forgiveness (Unoffended Forgiveness)

Now, I want to look at a non-traditional understanding of forgiveness.

“But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
– Matthew 6:15

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand in prayer if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
– Mark 11:24-25

Here’s another way to phrase this passage.

“Therefore, I tell you, if you are offended with anyone and have not ceased to accuse, blame, or criticize them and let go of what you have against them, I will not cease to accuse you of your sins. AND until you let go of these offenses you have toward others, I am not going to answer the prayers you have prayed.”

How scary is that? Did you realize your inability to forgive and let go of offenses will hinder your prayers from being answered? True forgiveness is a prerequisite to God answering your prayers.

How does a deceased person come back from the grave and ask for forgiveness in the traditional model? Does this mean the living person can never be free? What if a person does not know they have hurt another person and is not aware confession or repentance is needed?

Are you beginning to understand the problem with the traditional form of forgiveness? Who do you need to forgive today, regardless if they ever come to you and ask? Make a list and forgive them by speaking it out loud.

Finally, what if a person knows they need to seek forgiveness but because of pride or immaturity will never come and ask for forgiveness? What are you to do with that?

In our example with John and Susan, both are thinking of things their spouse did not ask forgiveness for and are waiting for them to do so.

Susan is thinking, “When is he going to ask forgiveness for the real stuff—like lying to me about his porn use and masturbation all these years? When is he going to ask forgiveness for sleeping with my best friend? He needs to turn his life around. He is the reason I am here. He is so anorexic. He is never going to change!”

John is thinking, “She needs to ask forgiveness for her swearing, hitting me, and throwing things at me when she loses her temper. When is she going to ask forgiveness for her anger problem or even admit she has one? When is she going to ask forgiveness for withholding sex from me? What does she expect from me anyway?!”

This is what was going on in the heart and mind of the other person in the traditional model of forgiveness. This is a problem.

We must start with what the one thinks the other should be asking forgiveness for. These are the very things they are accusing each other of. This is the heart of true forgiveness.

Let’s look at John and Susan in the following example of the non-traditional model of unoffended forgiveness.

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Husband: Susan, I am choosing to stop accusing you of having an anger problem.

Wife: I receive that.

Husband: Thank you.

_______________________________________________________________________

Here, we see the husband taking full responsibility for the thing he is offended about. However, Susan may not be aware of this. She is not responsible to do anything else. It is 100 percent John’s responsibility to love her and stop accusing her of this, even if she gets angry at him again in the future for whatever reason!

Next, its Susan’s turn.

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Wife: John, I am choosing to stop accusing you of sleeping with my best friend from 20 years ago.

Husband: I will walk with you in faith in this new truth.

Wife: Thank you, I receive that.

_______________________________________________________________________

Here, we see John may not be aware of the bitterness Susan has carried for the last 20 years. While he may have asked for forgiveness, she will not let it go. Susan is 100 percent responsible for freeing herself from the trap, regardless of John’s awareness.

You might be thinking, “This is crazy! There’s no way this works.” I agree. It’s radical, especially if you have never done it or thought of forgiveness like this before. However, I assure you, it does work 100 percent of the time if you give 100 percent effort.

I’m not saying it is easy, because tomorrow you will most likely have to choose to stop accusing again. It will take time and practice.

Single, married, or divorced–no matter how old or young you are–this form of unoffended forgiveness works, because it is biblical (Offended Deceived Addicted, pages 131-138).

Quick! Do not wait another day. Take the time to forgive those people that will never come to you and ask you for their forgiveness. Make a list and speak out loud with your mouth that you forgive them and set yourself free from the trap that has held you for so long.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.