Gaslighting… The Real Pandemic

How did this word gaslighting become so inflammatory and weaponized? What is the origin of this word? Why does it matter? Is it just a buzz word? What has made this word so popular?

The American Psychological Association acknowledges only as a colloquialism but not a clearly defined word in the field. Regardless, just because the APA does not acknowledge a behavior, addiction, or disorder, does not mean it does not exist or should not be addressed. For example, the APA has still not acknowledged sex addiction or intimacy anorexia.

The term gaslighting originally came from a 1938 playwright written by Patrick Hamilton. In 1944, the film “Gaslight” was released. The movie is about a married couple named Paula and Gregory. The abusive husband lies, deceives, and tricks Paula to believe that she is going crazy. He does this by removing a picture from the wall that has always been there, dimming the lights down then back up, taking and hiding her personal items, meanwhile denying that he has anything to do with it. By the end of the play, she confronts him, finding all the missing and hidden items that she “lost” or “made up” ever having.

More recently in the media and politics during the 2016 election and debate, Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton were being labeled as gaslighting and reverse gaslighting each other. Also, in the last few years, Brene’ Brown has made this word popular in her books and conferences, using the word to explain relevant and meaningful concepts related to shame.

Is gaslighting just another cliché or a new generational trendy word that will disappear, or will it stay around? Here are some synonyms in our daily English language to consider: hoodwinking, swindling, tricking, cheating, lying, deceiving, scamming, bamboozling, bullying, double crossing, playing games, tricking, fooling, conning, brain washing, head games, coercion, entrapment, etc.

In mental health, clinically we use words such as: manipulation, justification, rationalization, minimization, guilting, shaming, denying, codependency, double bind, narcissistic abuse, borderline abuse, pyscho-pathology, psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, ego, thought/delusional disorder, intimacy anorexia, contempt, or stonewalling etc.

A formal definition is “a form of emotional abuse or psychological manipulation involving distorting the truth in order to confuse or instill doubt in another person to the point they question their sanity or reality.”

The Urban Dictionary states: “Gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gaslighting would be a partner doing something abusive and then denying it happened. Gas lighters may also convince their victims that they’re mentally unfit or too sensitive.”

It is interesting that I feel like I am being gaslit just reading that definition. It is inflammatory in and of itself when the word abuser and victim are used. Now, it is not a horrible definition, and all this information is helping us better understand the word. However, the more we can stay objective with logic and reason and stay out of our emotions the better we learn.

Are all narcissists gas lighters or use this method to control others? No, however, I would say most gas lighters are probably narcissists or borderline personality types. I do not believe everyone who gaslights do it intentionally to harm, manipulate, and control the person being gaslit. However, there are some men, women and institutions that do to it for these reasons.

I like to keep things simple. So gaslighting is simply when a person or institution relentlessly presents mis- or dis-information to coerce you to betray yourself.

Popular now in recovery and mental health pop culture is the empath/narcissist relationship. Maybe gaslighting is a new word to the same old problem seen in relationships as understood by the Greek Mythos in the story of Narcissus and Echo. For more information, read the blog Narcissus, Echo and Codependency. https://www.transformedhearts.com/narcissus-echo-and-codependency/

In the previous blog on betrayal trauma, we learned about DARVO. Deny the event occurred, then Attack the whistleblower. Reverse the roles by playing the Victim and portraying the victim as the now Offender. This too describes gaslighting.

I believe the wounded ego has a lot to do with gaslighting as well. You can read my 5-part blog series on understanding the ego and how it helps or hurts us. Ego wants to be right and prove everyone else wrong at all costs. It wants to separate you and keep you for itself. If ego wins, any and all relationships will lose. Ego is always motivated by fear and lack.

The person or institution that is gaslighting may exhibit some of the following behaviors:

Criticize you and then later compliment you
Tell you or make you feel you are not good enough
Minimize their flaws but exaggerate yours
Cause you do doubt yourself, your intuition, or your perception of what happened
Cause you to betray yourself with contradictory information
Justify their actions as reasonable
Lie or lie by omission
Project their thoughts as your thoughts
Spin or flip themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator
Deny, deny, deny – even when you have clear evidence, witnesses, proof or documentation
Give you two choices: A or B

The person who is being gaslit may exhibit some of the following:

Unaware/unconscious that it is happening
Fear and confusion making simple daily decisions
Constant feelings of anxiety around the person or institution
Frustrated that their partner rarely validates them or never takes personal responsibility
Hopeless about the relationship, feeling powerless to change it or feel they have a voice
Feel entrapped, having no way out
Suicidal thoughts or feelings
Self-doubt regarding what truth or reality really is
Codependent behaviors, believing you caused all this
Mimic, begin to gaslight others or your partner
You believe you only have choice A or B

I have noticed a trend in the English language with words. Words can be overly used. For example, the word “love.” In a relationship where gaslighting exists, behavior does not match words, and this confuses the one being gaslit. The word love becomes meaningless. The same with the word narcissist. Everyone is a narcissist now. Porn once was naked pictures of the human body used for erotica. Now we have food porn, word porn, tractor porn, car porn, shoe porn, etc. Unfortunately, gaslighting is becoming the same. I believe it is a real issue, but I hope in time it does not lose its significance to describe harmful behavior.

Since 2019, I have noticed a significant disturbing trend in our media, medical, government, educational, and even religious institutions. Here is how it works, a “problem,” is presented. They wait for your emotional reaction, then they present a “solution,” which is usually the manipulation of choice A or B. If you choose B, you will be guilted, shamed, bribed, manipulated, bullied, or coerced to choose A.

Now this is getting interesting. The two-option choice is never a choice… it is manipulation…it is gaslighting! There are always other options and solutions, such as option C, D, E, etc. We are all being gaslit! We are being programed to be gaslit and become gas lighters ourselves. This is the classic victim becomes the perpetrator. It may take some time to understand and unlearn what I am sharing here today, and that is okay. Come to your own conclusions, and think outside the box.

In my research for this blog, I was overwhelmed in trying to make head or tails of it all. The one thing I noticed missing is that the victim is unconscious of the problem. Until you become conscious, you cannot address the problem. You are unknowingly giving consent. The second observation was that now that the person identified the problem, they can take action and no longer provide passive consent.

Now you know and are conscious to begin to use your voice. You are worthy (https://www.transformedhearts.com/i-am-worthy/), and you DO NOT have to be coerced to give consent (https://www.transformedhearts.com/i-do-not-consent/) or comply.

Do you have friends or family members who are not conscious their relationship partner may be gaslighting them? Are they stuck in a relationship or an institution that relentlessly and persistently provide mis- or dis-information to coerce them to betray themselves? Take action, talk to them, keep ego out of it, and do not attach yourself to an expectation or outcome of what they should or should not do or believe according to you. If you do… you, the gas lit are now gaslighting.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.