Next in this series, we are going to look at what traits make a high value man (HVM) and a high value woman (HVW). I have worked with individual men, women, and couples for over 25 years, and generally both want peace — to be heard, understood, appreciated, and loved. It’s really that simple, right? However, hurts, traumas to the nervous system, addiction(s), and attachment issues get in the way.

For decades now, I have been asking men the question: What is a man? And when did you become one? Regardless of age, I get answers like: a man takes responsibility, a man is accountable, a provider, a protector, etc. Yes — but when did that actually happen? I work with men who are retired and still trying to figure out if the transition has occurred. Did it happen when they graduated high school or college, went into the military, got to vote, had their first job, first beer, first sexual experience — or was it when their first child was born? Few can really answer the question.

Western culture has lost and forgotten its traditions of initiating boys into manhood through spiritual, tribal, or cultural rites of passage. I am not saying this is what needs to happen, but it would be wise to rediscover.

It is not only important for men to raise boys to be men and initiate them into responsibility at the age of 13; it is also important to initiate girls into womanhood at the age of 12. We did this transition with our four daughters. Because of it, Kerry and I have seen them rise above their peers with responsibility and leadership beyond their years. It is your job as a father to lead the way, and if you do not know how, figure it out — we have resources, and there are many ideas online. Find a way, make a way.

I challenge myself to be just 1% better today. Some days I do better than others. I challenge you to do the same. After 100 days you will have improved 100%. Each day is a new day to forgive myself, love myself, and put myself first. I can then love, forgive, and serve others second. When I fill my cup first, I am a better version of me — for others. This is going to feel off to most recovering nice guys, codependents, and intimacy anorexics.

I began this list by challenging myself to come up with 10 character traits that make men — not just good men, but a HVM. I ended up with over 50. I then placed them into categories. Now, I do not think you need to have all 50 all the time to be a man; I know I do not. I think different traits can apply to different chapters and seasons of your life. There are times when you will live some out better than others. This is not a list to end all lists — it is only meant to be a guidepost to keep you on the road if you did not have a father figure to be that guide. My hope is to create a conversation and inspire you to come up with some of your own.

I put them into 5 different categories. I started with self-care for men, as this is the greatest area of growth for them. I did the same in the next blog for HVW — same 5 categories, completely different order. Both sexes need to remember: your partner is always mirroring you and reflecting back what you need to work on. Be grateful and enjoy the journey.

Some of these will make more sense than others. Some items will make no sense to you if you are not familiar with Transformed Hearts and our program.

Here is the list of what makes a high value man:

Self-Care | Education (most difficult for men)

  1. He puts himself first.
    • Daily, he loves himself.
    • Daily, he forgives himself.
  2. He has a Mission / Adventure to live / Passion for something.
    • He does not seek the approval of others — especially women — to live his mission.
    • He never gives up regardless of what things appear to be.
  3. He lives in his God-fidence.
    • Able to list 20 things he likes, loves, or appreciates about himself. On his own, he is able to identify his talents, abilities, and gifts (TAG list).
  4. He makes his self-care and self-improvement a priority — with diet, exercise, recovery, and mission.
  5. He is hungry to learn new things. He prioritizes self-improvement and education, reads, and listens to books.
  6. He courageously takes calculated risks.
    • Faces danger when it is time to protect himself and others.
  7. He is creative, having hobbies and interests with the space to express them.
  8. He is abundance-minded.
    • He no longer lives in fear of “what if bad things happen.”
    • Able to live in and feel the abundance as if it is already done.
  9. He is responsible for himself.
    • Physically
    • Personally
    • Professionally
    • Financially
    • Spiritually
    • Sexually
  10. Able to express his wants and needs.
    • No longer lives with or in covert contracts.
    • Gives to give — not giving to get.

Recovery | Therapy

  1. He heals his shame.
    • Guilt says: “I did a bad thing.”
    • Shame says: “I am bad.”
  2. He forgives all who have hurt him and seeks restoration with those he has harmed.
  3. Comfortable being alone. He lives inside-out, knows that personal relationships will never make him happy, and works on healing codependent behaviors.
  4. He has relationships with other men.
    • Casual — 25–50.
    • Committed — 5–10.
    • Covenant — 1–3 in a lifetime.
  5. He recognizes and shares his feelings when appropriate.
  6. He integrates the fractured parts of himself.
  7. He has spiritual awareness — faith in a higher power: God, Source, All, Christ, etc.
    • Knows the Spark, Quantum, Kingdom, and Intuition are IN him (Luke 17:20–21).
    • Spends time in prayer, journaling, meditation, and breathwork.
  8. He speaks life upon himself — not death or negativity.

Self-Discipline | Mastery

  1. He implements boundaries with drugs, sex, alcohol, women, and parents.
    • Ability to say “no” in personal and professional relationships and walk away.
    • He takes responsibility and stops consenting to giving too much: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rKJ0kcc7AE
  2. He knows his value and does not compromise.
    • Expresses appreciation and gratitude toward others.
  3. He spends less than he makes and understands money management.
  4. He has integrity — says what he means, means what he says.
  5. He works hard with his talents and creativity.
  6. He knows he never “needed” a woman — he “wants” a HVW.
  7. He embraces his masculine sexuality, enjoys sex, and is responsible with his sexuality.
  8. He does what is difficult and hard. He takes action; he does not merely react.
  9. He listens more than he speaks and stays calm in the storms.
  10. He speaks up when it is time.
    • He is solution-focused regardless of his emotions.
    • He would rather live with rejection than regret, so he takes risks.
  11. He is able to laugh, have fun, and smile. He does not take himself too seriously.

The Golden Rules

  1. He is aware of “The Golden Rules.”
    • “A woman’s reaction to something he said or did does not determine the rightness or wrongness of the thing that he said or did.” — Robert Glover
  2. Right vs. Wrong moves toward Wise vs. Foolish.
  3. Happy vs. Holy.
  4. Fault vs. Responsibility.
  5. Want vs. Give in relationships.
  6. Life is not either/or — it is about the AND.
    • AND changes DNA.

Inner-Standing

  1. He inner-stands that pain and suffering are his greatest teachers.
    • Admits and owns his mistakes.
    • Takes responsibility for them and changes old behaviors.
    • Does not hide behind Jesus, faith, or over-spirituality to excuse his behaviors.
  2. He inner-stands he is not responsible for his partner’s, kids’, or parents’ happiness.
    • He is responsible to raise, correct, and discipline his children.
    • He is a parent — not a friend — to his children.
  3. He inner-stands that what is lawful is not always legal — they are not the same thing.
  4. He inner-stands the difference between being a sovereign and being a citizen.
  5. He inner-stands that desire cannot be negotiated.
  6. He inner-stands his Ego.
    • Becomes the Observer of his Ego.
    • His Ego no longer needs to be “right” or attached to outcomes.
  7. He inner-stands the law of reaping and sowing.
  8. He inner-stands how to feel from the end.
    • He has a vision board.
    • He lives “as if.”
  9. He inner-stands how to be a good receiver and how to ask for help.
  10. He inner-stands the difference between a nice guy and a HVM.
  11. He inner-stands the difference between transparency and vulnerability.
  12. He inner-stands Cognitive Dissonance.
  13. He inner-stands that he is not alone — he is not the only one, nor the first one.

Service to Others | Personal and Professional Relationships (least difficult for men)

  1. He is respectful and loyal to his woman.
  2. He serves others — protects his wife, children, community, and parents.
    • He embraces his masculine role, learns, and teaches life and survival skills.
  3. He loves his woman, children, and mission deeply.
    • Loves her for who she is.
    • Loves and forgives her for who she is not.
  4. He assumes the best of his partner.
    • When he is angry with his partner or kids, he does the opposite of shutting down or being destructive.
    • He strives to understand before being understood.
    • He confronts disrespect.
  5. He invests in other men and gives away what he needs at times.
    • Lives as a Mentor / Teacher.
    • And lives as a Mentee / Student.
  6. He knows life is not about being “good” or “bad.”
    • Healing his shame, he self-regulates and makes calm, wise choices.
    • Lives in gratitude for all things.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.

Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook

Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted

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