How to Recover from an Emotional Affair -

“After the meeting, I will meet you here by the water fountain. I love you. See you later.”

[I think this is the right room… My arm is killing me. This career with our three-month-old is getting heavy. I need to find a place to set her down. I can’t believe I had to bring her along. I hope nobody knows me. I don’t belong here. It’s not like I cheated or had an affair like most of these men probably have.]

[My poor wife. I am so sorry she is going to the women’s group in the next room, and of all days, on our six-year anniversary! I am so ashamed. I made a mistake coming here. I can’t do this. I’m leaving.]

“Men, welcome to the sex addict support group. Please find a seat in the circle.”

[Help, get me out of here!]

Feeling hurt, anger, confused, guilt, and ashamed.

That was my first sex addict support group meeting 15 years ago, July of 2004 at the Berean Church in Lincoln Nebraska; and yes, I stayed and made it through as did my wife attending her first partners meeting.

You see, like many Christian men, I never physically cheated on my wife, but I had numerous emotional affairs with many women I worked with for the first 6 years of our marriage. It was the most recent emotional affair with a female secretary that almost ended our marriage.

I denied these emotional affairs, like most do, until I entered recovery and learned about emotional infidelity.

Most often, it starts off as an innocent friendship, perhaps flirting with a spouse’s friend, couple’s friendships, your child’s classmate’s parent, in-law’s spouse, gym acquaintances, social media connection, neighbor as well as ministry, small groups and work relationships.

Here are some steps consider to begin to recover from an emotional affair:

“It is not that big of a deal.” “I never meant for this to happen.” “We are not doing anything wrong.” “I still really love my spouse.” Stop lying to yourself. Stop justifying, rationalizing, and minimizing your behaviors.
“I can’t tell my spouse.” “They will leave me if they ever found out.” “Not telling them is protecting them.” “They can’t handle the truth.” Honesty is the best policy. Full disclosure is usually recommended. Tell the truth. I have never had a couple divorce because of what the spouse did. I have couple divorce because of the continued to lie.
“I am afraid of my spouse’s anger.” Know that an angry spouse is a spouse that still cares about and loves you. An apathetic spouse is a spouse that may be done working through a relationship with you. Anger shows they care. This is a paradigm shift.
“I can overcome this on my own, no one is going to understand me or be able to help me.” deserve to be loved and respected better.” Be humble and teachable. Stay away from thinking you are entitled.
“We can talk to our pastor or just find a counselor for free.” My pastor can fix cars but that does not mean he is an expert nor has the time or resources to fix mine. You get what you pay for. Seek professional help from a Christian Counselor who specializes in marriage, physical and/or emotional affairs. Has the counselor done any of their own recovery work in this area or another?

If you are the spouse of one who is having an emotional affair, here are some steps to consider taking to recover from an emotional affair:

“I am sure I am just reading into this.” “My spouse does not love them.” “They work together, that’s all it is.” Stop lying to yourself. You have most likely known for some time something is not right, as your spouse is not emotionally, spiritually, or sexually intimate with you anymore. Ask your partner if they are getting their emotional needs met with the opposite sex outside of your marriage.
“They have told me numerous times, nothing is going on.” Believe behavior. Who do they give their time, attention, and emotional energy to? Do not believe what they tell Believe what their behavior shows you.
“I am a Christian I am not suppose-to get angry.” “I need to control my anger and keep it together.” Your anger shows you still love your spouse. This is a good thing, and there is hope.
“I have never done anything like this to my spouse.” “How could they.” Be humble and teachable. Do not to view yourself as “better than” your spouse. “I want us to get help, but they will not go with me.” Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not compromise in regard to the changes you want and need to see in your marriage.
“I am too embarrassed to ask for help, we can do this on our own.” “If anyone found out it would destroy us both.” Seek professional help from a Christian Counselor who specializes in marriage and intimacy issues that is able to support and validate you. A counselor cannot take you any further or deeper than they have been themselves.

In my 15 years of recovery and 10 years of helping couples overcome, physical and emotional infidelity it often times may take 3-5 years to restore and recover from an emotional affair. I do not share this to discourage you, only to prepare you. Anyone who tells you anything less is most likely being dishonest. This is a gift from God that can bless or destroy you. Your marriage can be better than ever. You are not alone. There is hope! Now, it’s up to you to do the work. Let’s get started today.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.