Love...the Present Moment

In our last blog, we looked at the Greek language to help us in our limited English language to better understand the different meanings for the word love.

We learned about fear in the three-part blog series on fear. We are going to continue to learn why love is the opposite of fear and why it is so much more powerful, and perhaps, the most powerful emotion, energy, and frequency in the universe.

I believe self-love or philautic love is the most difficult, yet the most important, to embrace and learn for the majority of adults. Some believe self-love is the highest and most important of all love frequencies. The super ego or the critical parent voice shames most people into fear, self-hatred, and a dislike of themselves. Most people dislike how they look, who they are, what they have done, where they are going, or even who they are and are not. The voice of the critical parent or comparison beats up the individual, most often about money and love.

It is impossible for a person who does not love themselves (what I call someone who has an empty cup) to pour love or emptiness into another cup or person. Yet, this describes the majority of relationships. Most of the time, the relationship is made up of two empty cups, pouring emptiness into the other while both become angry at the other for not receiving love from their partner. One cannot give what one does not have.

Growing up in the Christian Church, I was taught the concept of “unconditional love.” This phrase is used relentlessly, but what does it really mean? If love is to be without conditions, why were there so many rules to be accepted and loved? I would say this is true of most, if not all, religions. I am coming to conclusion most religions strengthen the ego by creating duality and polarity. The religious ego is about fear, not about love. It is very deceptive and difficult to unlearn this programming. Most feel they are betraying their childhood religion. I will be addressing the topic of the religious ego in the future.

Our culture is addicted to eros and mania, political correctness, which is the new codependency. We need to rise up and move toward agape love. Here are some things to consider as we move as individuals to raise our awareness toward agape love.

Love has no-conditions. This is the meaning of unconditional. However, it is most often very conditional, restraining, and limiting. It is really wrapped in fear of dos and don’ts. We all want to be loved without conditions, yet we love others with I have realized I love my wife and kids when they do what I want, the way I want, and how I would have done it. When they do not, I become offended and revert to my intimacy anorexia to become the listening critical parent voice. Offenses always expose the things that I need to work on. Recovery is always about the person in the mirror. I have this box of who I think they should be, what they should do, and act like. If they do not fit in it, I become passive aggressive. This is not love at all but manipulation and judgement.
Love does not manipulate with the giving or withholding of approval. This can be shown in the giving of time, attention, and money. I would say almost all adults grew up in school programs, laws, religions, and cultural settings where the child was manipulated by approval or disapproval with the use of shame. Many have grown up understanding that they are loved for what they do, not for who they are. We were parented like this and have parented our own children like this as well.
To love is to love without judgement of what I believe is “right” or what is “wrong” …according to me and my moral judgements. It does not attach to outcomes or how things “should or should not” be according to me. Do I mean you should have no expectations of your loved one? No, of course not, we all have expectations. However, is your love to your attachment to the expectation and what they do greater than your love of the individual for who they are? This is not about morality and me being god for everyone else’s behaviors or choices. This is extremely difficult and may appear sacrilegious for those of us who grew up in religious homes. This will take a great deal of unlearning. I am not saying that you should not have discernment. Discernment is a healthy thing that allows you to have boundaries to protect yourself from unhealthy and even dangerous people.
Love does not control or dictate the need to be right. Please to not confuse this with good vs. evil. It has been said that evil prevails when good men do nothing. Things that happen to us are not always “good” or “bad.” I have discovered that on the other side of “bad” things that have happened to me I have grown tremendously and am very grateful for them as well as the life lessons they have taught me. My best teachers have been my worst enemies and the ones who have hurt me the most. They have been the medicine that I needed.
Love is conscious, awake, and aware of the super ego’s voice. Love shuts down the super egoic voice of the critical parent, as it is aware of its tactics. Love understands that not every negative thought or feeling is true, real, accurate, or correct. Therefore, love helps the person forgive themselves and others much easier. Forgiveness is a misunderstood concept, and you can read -more about forgiveness in my 7-part blog series on forgiveness.
Love lives in gratitude. Love expresses gratitude for the big things, but more importantly, for the smallest things. I am grateful for my fingers, as I type this blog. And I’m thankful for my glasses (which are currently missing this morning as I write this blog), but I’m grateful I have contacts as a backup. I am grateful for my wife and my kids, this beautiful summer morning, and all things turning green again here in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, as I drink my cup of coffee. Love is continuous gratitude in the present moment.
Finally, love is present in the moment…the now. The only thing ego loves is to keep a person in the fear of the future or shame and guilt of the past. Ego tells you, “You will be happy when…” or it hits you with shame from past behaviors of “how could you…” It takes tremendous work to unlearn this pattern and begin to live in the present moment and not place judgment on the moment as “good” or “bad” but that it simply… is.

This is the beginning of raising our frequency and vibration from fear and shame into love. In part three of our series on love, we will look at what is called the Schumann Resonance.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.