As a recovering intimacy anorexic of almost 20 years, intimacy anorexia can still show its ugliness any day at any time. Intimacy anorexia sobriety is different than sobriety from drugs, alcohol, or sex addiction in that you never want to partake in the substance/activity again. Typically, traditional sobriety is measured through abstinence from the substance or activity and changes in behavior can be seen more clearly.
Intimacy anorexia sobriety is not so much a behavioral change, as it is a change in your belief system that leads to changed behavior. For most intimacy anorexics, it is not a matter of if they will act in but a matter when and for how long. Victory and sobriety is measured by shortening how often the person withdraws and becomes anorexic and for how long. Success is measured by the reduction of acting in behaviors occurring for months or a day to hours or minutes.
Generally, sex addiction is easier to treat than intimacy anorexia, because it is not just a change of behavioral patterns and trauma work. Intimacy anorexia is a change of deeply rooted beliefs and healing of Complex PTSD, or childhood PTSD, that has deep emotional connections to strong beliefs that helped the person survive, not only abuses but emotional neglects that helped the person survive as little boy or little girl.
Most intimacy anorexic men appear to be married on the outside; but on the inside, they think like single men. Women married to these men know what I am talking about. These men usually do not include their wife on large or small decisions regarding finances, job changes, daily tasks that need to be completed, plans for the day, or if they plan to run to the store. Yes, they are poor communicators, but it is much more than that. They are married men with a single man mindset. They have little to no regard for thoughts, feelings, or their wife’s participation in such.
Some of these men do it on purpose; however, many do not. They look at it as helpful and a way to get things done by putting their head down and not bothering their partner. I am not saying it is “right” or “wrong.” It is how these men think. There is hope, and it can be changed; but it takes work to be aware and conscious of what they are doing.
The other day, it struck me that much like sex addicts, drug addicts, and alcoholics I work with, I do not encourage them to never promise themselves or others to never use again. I only encourage them to make a decision to not use or act out during the next hour or the next five minutes. Then, minutes and hours eventually add up to weeks, months, and years of sobriety.
What men who struggle with intimacy anorexia began to live life and treat our intimacy anorexia like we treat our sex addiction sobriety? What if we set an alarm every hour and questioned ourselves, “Have I been anorexic this past hour?” If yes, then stop and connect with your partner in some way rather than acting single and disconnected.
What can you do to speak your partner’s love language to attempt to connect with her and take a risk, regardless if it fails? Is your partner’s love language touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or gifts? Most intimacy anorexic men make the mistake of communicating in their own love language which is, oftentimes, not their partner’s love language.
What decision do you need to make, big or small, that you can include your partner in? What are your plans so your partner can help you? What are partner’s plans for the day and how can you serve and support her in accomplishing them? What thoughts and feelings have you been internally processing that you can begin to verbally express?
What fears do you have to face today? What fears are your partner facing today? How can you both have fun together today? How can you better pursue, provide, support, encourage, and protect your partner?
This is not going to come naturally and may take intentionality and consistency. Don’t put it off another day. There is no time like the present to begin.
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
