Moving from Outside-In to Inside-Out Living

For good reason, codependency is one of the most misunderstood concepts in counseling reason. It is extremely complex yet also very simple. It can be overcomplicated and yet underestimated.

I love learning new things. When I am not writing the next blog or trying to be a better father, husband, or man, I am reading several books at a time.

My wife would probably say I have now developed a book addiction, and she wouldn’t be wrong. More than likely, I do have an addiction to learning to get to the truth of life as well as its purpose and meaning.

Recently, I read a couple books by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and Controlling People, which I highly recommend. They discuss what we do at Transformed Hearts by helping clients overcome sex addiction, intimacy anorexia, and codependency. Now, she does not use these words. However, the books are very powerful in using different words to help the reader better understanding abusive relationships.

I would say most of our clients are in abusive relationships, but I never would have thought this before reading these books. At times, I would say my wife and I have had an abusive relationship. What is interesting is that Evans identifies the highest level of verbal abuse at level 5. This is what she calls withholding or shunning. This perfectly describes what we call intimacy anorexia. So, you can see how this book is beneficial and eye opening.

The other concept she describes is outside-in versus inside-out living. Many live their entire lives valuing beliefs and opinions others have about them. This is a great, yet simple, way to understand codependency. They want to please and not disappoint others to the point of making their own life so miserable that they feel trapped, running the rat race of life, doing for everyone else. They need acceptance from others, as they have created themselves from the outside in. This is their identity, changing it is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

Outside-in people live as victims and are very offended, as they believe everyone is causing them harm. Everyone around them is making them think, feel, and behave negatively. Outside-in people have deeply rooted belief systems, and anyone different than them, or who challenges them to dismantle this system, is a threat to their identity. They need the constant outside reassurance of others to reinforce who they believe themselves to be. It is their identity. This identity holds them together. They have made themselves up from the outside in.

Most negative thoughts and feelings they have about themselves or others are not true. Most often, their thoughts or feelings that other people in the room do not like them are not true. The truth is they do not like themselves. Once they can begin to take responsibility for this, life will begin to change.

They might think or feel their partner is lying to them. The truth is they are lying to themselves. They might think or feel that their partner does not love them. The truth is they do not love themselves.

Living inside out takes tremendous God-fidence, knowing and believing who God says you are. This is the beginning of breaking free from codependency. Rather than living life worried about the thoughts and feelings of others, you begin to live life knowing who you are from the inside out. No longer needing the daily outside reassurance is tremendously freeing but may feel uncomfortable. Those who live inside out begin to break free from pursing what is socially acceptable or “right” and move toward what is wise for them.

Are you understanding this concept? It is so powerful once you stop living outside in and start living inside out. Take back your power. Stop believing every negative thought and feeling you have. It is destroying your life and your relationships. This is one of the biggest tricks the ego plays on you. If ego wins, all your relationships lose.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.