Moving From an Unholy to A Holy Relationship

Am I in an unholy relationship? If so, should I get out of it or try to work it out?

Until I had read Marianne Williamson’s book, A Return to Love, I had never heard what she refers to as “The Special Relationship” and the “The Holy Relationship.” After reading her book, I began to connect a lot of dots to better understanding the ego as well as how it affects relationships. You would think the word special means good or wonderful, but it does not. It means different from your other relationships, which separates you from other non-significant others. Special relationships or your love relationship with the one person or partner is usually based on fear. Ego is always about separating you from others and oneness with them from others, especially your relationship with God.

During marriage over time, most believe they married the wrong person. She writes, “The search for the perfect person to fix us is one of our biggest psychic wounds, and one of ego’s most powerful delusions.” She explains that God loves all of us the same as one. To Him, no one is different, special, or separate, and we should strive to do the same. To believe finding one special person to complete us is a lie and delusional, because it is a form of seeking salvation in another person outside of you and not with God inside of you.

The human condition is to strive for connection, intimacy, and oneness; but there is a gap we feel between God and ourselves in this life. She explains the Holy Spirit was God’s gift and answer to this problem of separation. Ego’s counter answer was creation and getting you to believe having a separate special person in your life was the answer. One encourages you to seek that oneness inside of you. The other tricks you to believe the answer is outside of you.

Special relationships are based in fear, because the ego is looking for someone to attack, accuse, blame, and criticize. Most often, both are wearing a mask to hide behind, as both are afraid if you really knew them you would leave them. Most cannot and will not be vulnerable; because deep down, they both assume the other will be as judgmental as they are of others. Neither feels safe, and neither feels they can really trust the other. This creates a love based on control, manipulation, exploitation, belittling, constantly auditioning, yet never feeling good enough. This is not love but a form of mania, neurosis, and some cases, psychosis and an insanity.

After months, years, or decades, most couples become exhausted and hopeless, believing the ego convinces them that separation or divorce is the answer. A new special person will make them happy. In time, they discover they are in the exact same relationship only now this person has a different name.

However, there is hope, and the minority of those in special relationships and marriages eventually figure it out and discover that an unhealthy, toxic, and unholy as the relationship has been; the answer to their problem is within themselves and their partner.

They discover their partner is the mirror, and the medicine they need to become healthy once they begin to see the ego for what it is and what it is doing to them. Real love is not that far away. This is the starting point when the relationship can move from unholy to holy.

We begin to understand that “the ego is not where we are bad, but where we are wounded.” We can then begin to let down our masks. The triggers we experience with our partner is a reminder of the parts of ourselves that still need to heal. They are only exposing the wounds that still need our attention. Rather than becoming offended and resentful at your partner, you become grateful for the wounds you still need to work on.

This takes tremendous courage from both individuals to unlearn things about themselves and their partner. We have to unlearn the mistakes, darkness, and character defects will no longer be judged but forgiven and accepted by ourselves first and others second. We can begin to put the mask/ego down; and as they do, they begin to see themselves and the Christ, light, love that has always been within them. It is good to self-correct and be kind as we do so.

We forget that love is a verb. It is a decision, an action, and much more than an emotion.

Williams writes, “A holy relationship is this: a common state of mind, where both give errors gladly to correction, that both may happily be healed as one.”

Take some time and read the list below and answer honestly if your current relationship is more often than not unholy or holy?

Special/ Codependent/ Unholy Relationship	Healthy/ Interdependent/ Holy Relationship
Egoic	Non-Egoic
Need to be Right	Need to be Wise
Need to Control	Letting go of Control
Based in Fear	Based in Love
Lack	Abundance
Attached to Outcomes	Letting go of Outcomes
Partner needs to be Perfect	Embraces Partners Imperfections
The Relationship is an Idol	The Relationship not Idolized
Unsafe to be self	Safe to be self
Distrust	Trust
Judgmental	Non-Judgmental
“What can I get?”	“How can I give?”
Separation	Oneness
“Mr. or Mrs. Right will make me happy”	“I am content by myself.”
Based on the physical body	Based on your essence
An Empty Cup needing to be filled by the partner	A Full Cup filled from within themselves
Wearing a Mask	Mask Removed
Desire to fix, change, manipulate, audition	Desire to know, understand, accept, and forgive
Accuses, Blames and Criticizes	Takes personal responsibility
Codependent	Interdependent
Victim Mentality	Victor/Creator Mentality
Glorification of Romantic Love / Mania and Eros	Love not based on Romantic Love / Agape and Pragma
Unconscious/Body Controls the Mind	Conscious/Mind controls the Body
Allows negative thoughts and feeling to control them	Questions negative thoughts and feelings

Is it now time to get out and repeat the same mistakes with the same person with a different name or work it out by working on yourself?

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.