In the previous article, we realized not everyone who comes to your office wants your help or wants to change. We looked at how a victim thinks, how they have a heart of fear and a heart at war as well as how they have become scarcity minded and become a master of excuses. In this article, I am going to show you how to help your clients by showing them how to move from the victim to the victor – from losing in life to winning in life.
The following information will help you when you are working with clients who struggle with general addiction issues, specifically sex addiction, intimacy anorexia or partners of or family members of an addict. We are going to look at two spectrums in the following 6 areas.
Emotionally, the Victim feels fear, harbors self-confidence, contempt and resentments. They stuff their emotions and fear intimacy with others, especially their partner.
Now, on the other side of the spectrum, the Victor can feel joy and releases what I refer to as “God-fidence” as well as admiration and affection toward others. The Victor is able to openly share his/her feelings and emotions. They do not fear intimacy. In fact, they embrace it, especially with their partner.
The heart of the Victim is entitled. They are at war and looking to war with others. They have a heart that is closed. They can take in love; however, they cannot release it or show it in their behaviors toward others. The heart of the Victim is very stubborn and resistant to change.
The heart of the Victor is not entitled but thankful. They have a heart at peace, not wanting to war with others. Their heart is open. The Victor can receive love and release it. The Victor has a heart that is very teachable and desires to learn new things from others.
The behaviors of the Victim are very passive. They embrace bitterness. They are all about protecting themselves and are very self-focused. They quickly accuse, blame and criticize others. Their behaviors show they are protecting the addiction. They are easily offended by others. They spend time in fantasy. Their schedule manages them. The Victim will tell you why it can’t be done, and they may drain the life out of those around them.
The behaviors of the Victor are much different, as they are assertive in nature. They embrace forgiveness rather than bitterness. Their behaviors are about protecting others and are others focused. They cease to accuse, blame and criticize others and take personal responsibility. They protect those they love, not the addiction. They are able to let go of offenses. They spend time in God-given imagination that will bless others with creative ideas. They will show you how it can be done. Finally, they energize those around them.
The Victim is scarcity minded in thinking there is not enough, and they need to get their needs met first. They secretly hope others will fail. They need those around them to be bad in order for themselves to be viewed by others as the good/nice guy or gal.
The Victor is abundant minded in thinking there is more than enough. They believe they have plenty to share with others first. They outwardly not just hope but help others succeed with their endeavors. They know they are good, and so are others. They don’t need others to be bad or less than in order for them to be seen as good.
The Victim believes others are the problem as well as themselves, and they believe secrets keep them safe. They believe they are loved for what they do and that their faith is enough to deliver them. They are also a victim of the phrase, “God is in control,” so God must want this for my life.
The Victor understands they are the problem but also knows they are the solution. They have learned secrets make them sick.
The Victor knows they are loved not for what they do but for who they are. They also know they have to own their poor choices and freewill if things are going to change.
The Victim is spiritually closed and weak. They complain about God. They have a shamed-based theology, believing they are bad, or they are the mistake. They believe God will restrain them from having fun, and they do not tithe.
The Victor is spiritually open, has a strong relationship with God and does not complain about God but is able to thank Him in the good and the bad times of life. They have a theology of freedom, grace and mercy. God does not keep them from having fun but has their best interest in mind to keep them from destroying themselves. They also give 10 percent of their money away to charities and the poor.
Being able to see the stark contrast between the Victim and the Victor has helped many of my clients begin to move into healing and freedom that they can own for themselves.
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.