Narcissism in the Church

Narcissism is an epidemic in the modern Christian Church. In fact, it is an epidemic for most leaders of any religion.

The root word of narcissism is from the word narco or narke, means to make numb, to make unconscious, a deadness and stupor. It makes sense where the word narcotics comes from now. It is about being numb, dead, or in a stupor. What is a church to do with a numb and dead person in a stupor that is leading them?

Chuck DeGroat does an amazing job addressing this epidemic in his book, When Narcissism Comes to Church. He addresses this difficult issue that the church is just beginning to admit. It is nothing new and has been going on for hundreds of years.

What better way to lead and control people then by playing the “God card.” He states the church is really a magnet for narcissism and the narcissist to be speaking for or on behalf of God, such as “God told me,” “God gave me a revelation or prophetic word.” The problem with this is that there is no accountability or way to verify first that is what was said. And secondly, was it really “God?”

Not surprisingly, I see Christian individuals and couples use this same tactic on their spouse, children, and friends to stay in control. If your pastor or partner is using this language, ask questions, and question the answers.

This happens for several reasons. The first is the hiddenness that goes on in most churches with their pastors due to lack of accountability and transparency to the board and its attending members. Regardless, if a narcissist is in a church or corporate America, I have found it to be similar leadership styles.

Shame is the second reason. Often, many will shame those who disagree or question them. They use humiliation to intimidate and silence. Ironically, in the New Testament I cannot find Jesus ever leading by shame, humiliation, or intimidation.

Next, they will use gaslighting to get them to question the victim’s sanity by denying things they have spoken or done.

And finally, they will reverse roles and play the victim who suffers from false accusations and gathers support of the loyal staff and members. Many victims eventually leave with significant confusion, hurt, trauma, and feelings of betrayal.

The pastor’s narcissism will eventually become a collective narcissism and the culture of the church. To move up or ascend as a staff member, you must agree with the leader. However, if you challenge or disagree, you will be removed, demoted, fired, or shunned. The system and mission go unchanged and unchallenged because it is deemed a “spiritual one.”

DeGroat writes: “Staff members that depart will almost always be subject to the narcissistic pastor’s slanted narrative that privileges his special perspective.” It is like the group is in a trance, under a spell or a god’s-spell. That is weird, because it is similar to the word gospel. Anyway, moving on.

If the God card is not enough to keep control, the Pastor will use theological bullying on staff and attendees to maneuver and manipulate passages to proof text the point that justifies their reasoning and behaviors. This not only impacts relationships it also gives them a sense of entitlement to money, power, large homes, large salaries, private jets, cars, extravagant vacations, clothing, drugs, and extramarital relationships all to be unquestioned. This is not true of all pastors and churches. The spirit of a narcissistic pastor and levels of entitlement vary, but the pattern is the same.

The narcissistic leader is not limited to only male pastors, it can also be female pastors or ministry leaders. Both can appear very calm on the outside but can be very anxious on the inside. They are very insecure of up-and-coming leaders beneath them, always watching for disloyalty as perceived by them. When it is found, it is dealt with and punished severely.

Unfortunately, removing the narcissistic pastor is, oftentimes, not enough. The collective narcissism culture will still remain, similar to a virus that may need the fresh eyes of an outsider to be able to objectively help the church remove it.

DeGroat does a creative job by taking the Enogram model and describing the nine types of narcissism. He labels the nine as: The Savior, The Winner, The Individualist, The Distancer, The Hawkeye, The Optimist, The Challenger, The Wallflower, and The Perfectionist. I recommend you purchase the book and read about the detailed differences and treatment options in helping these hurting people. Hurt people, hurt people. To change the cycle, we need to help not only the victims but also perpetrators who are teachable and want help to change.

I have spoken and written about how I am done with Churchianity. This unhealthy Christianity was written about also identified by Ed Stetzer in Christianity Today. A healthy system, family, or organization is open and allowed to ask questions. Even if there was a disagreement, there was graciousness. “People were allowed to ask questions, leadership was transparent, and trust was present. When a system is not dominated by anxiety, everyone is free to speak truthfully, everyone is free to listen curiously.”

Like anyone in recovery, for the sick person or organization to change, it must admit that there is a problem. There must be a willingness to be teachable. Questions by staff and attendees must be allowed to be asked and shared safely without being shamed, humiliated, or punished. This is the key to change. Once the church begins to allow its attendees to ask any question and its pastor and leadership becomes honest and transparent, then there will be a chance for the church and its victims to be able to heal and stop repeating this cycle.

I am going to go one step further than DeGroat went in his book. The question that needs to be asked is where does this spirit of narcissism come from? Many of you know that the Old Testament all caps LORD describes himself as angry, jealous, vengeful, and demanding unquestioned loyalty.

It’s been said “show me your friends, and I will show you who you will be in five years.” Well, taking that a step further, show me your God, and I will show you who you will be in five years… but that’s a topic for another blog.

Sources: When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat; etymonline.com

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.