Narcissistic Parents

In this recent series of blogs on trauma, shame, and parenting; it is easy to get caught in seeing oneself as a victim. Yes, we have all been victimized. However, here at Transformed Hearts we and our clients are victors, taking the lessons life is teaching us and using the gift of suffering to overcome and learn. This makes us stronger as well as more kind and loving toward others, equipping us with the ability to heal, forgive, and help encourage others to do the same. We are grateful for our suffering, as it has brought us to this amazing life we are living now.

In Caroline Foster’s book, Narcissist Parents, she does an amazing job explaining parent‑child relationships between a narcissist mother or father, and the impact it has on the daughter and son. She also bridges the gap between Complex PTSD and recovering from a narcissistic parent who may have shamed you as a child. I highly recommend this comprehensive, yet concentrated, well-written resource.

She writes, “If you are smart and beautiful and clever, they are attracted to you and idealize you. But as soon as you disagree with them or do something that they don’t want you to do, they become quickly disappointed and often try to put you down. They cannot understand that people might have a different point of view, or have their own life, or live in a different way from what they consider correct.” They will most likely struggle being able to validate your thoughts, feelings, or perspective.

Most narcissistic parents’ greatest fear is the fear of abandonment. They are very insecure. However, the very thing they fear, they create, and the child will do what they can to develop healthy space as an adult. The parent will guilt the child with statements such as, “You spend more time with your in-laws than with me. Don’t you love me anymore? Why do you treat me this way after all I have done for you? After all I have given you?” The adult child will be pulled back into the codependent dance, betray themselves and come running back to the parent with an apology.

Most often, it will take tremendous support of a group, therapist, or someone in recovery to help the adult child break the cycle and maintain boundaries with the narcissistic parent. It will take practice to unlearn old patterns of behavior. To the adult child, it will feel “wrong;” however, it is unfamiliar. When things are unfamiliar to the body, the autonomic nervous system indeed may feel “wrong.” I assure you it does get easier as you retrain and reparent yourself.

Yes, you will have to reparent yourself due to the decades of BIG and small traumas where you may have been silenced or made to continually feel worthless, damaged, or that something wrong with you.

A common theme that occurs with narcissistic parents (and the child who does not often speak about) is emotional incest. Emotional incest occurs when the opposite gender child meets the emotional needs of the parent. This is often the oldest or only child. For example, the oldest son or only son meets the emotional needs of the mother, as the father is physically or emotionally absent. The mother will over share her thoughts and feelings with the son. The son often accepts this role, as it makes him feel he is helping her and loving her. However, this inappropriate behavior causes tremendous emotional, mental, and even sexual confusion for the son and his future as a man being able to connect with his prospective partner. The same can happen between a father and his daughter, taking on the role of a wife emotionally and mentally. Emotional incest is not to be confused with sexual incest. Sexual incest between biological parents and their children is rare but can happen. Most often, sexual abuse occurs between stepparent, extended family members, and the non-biological child.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers will experience control and manipulation with guilt trips that are meant to control the daughter’s emotions by withholding love or by the silent treatment. Foster writes that these mothers thrive on gossiping about their daughters’ achievements with others who will listen.

They will undermine the daughter, especially with the daughter’s potential relationship with a significant other, such as, “he is not good enough for her.” They will project onto the daughter what they think of themselves as being not enough, even a whore or slut. They will play the victim or the martyr with verbal manipulation and abuse. The daughter will become dependent and triangulated with the mother’s approval to make most any decision.

Finally, this type of mother will compete with her daughter in almost all areas of life, starting in the first year of life. The daughter cannot be better than the mother in any way.

Sons of narcissistic fathers will experience maladaptive behaviors that create suspicion of others with fear of being taken advantage of. “Women cannot be trusted. Women will hurt you. A man needs to be in charge of his woman. Men will steal your woman from you.”

Generally, this type of father will have a very strong opinion of whether or not to have children or to get married. The father will live through his son by always wanting him to do better. “Why did you not get an A+? Why are you not the captain of the team?” These sons who become men often feel that nothing was ever good enough for their father and feel tremendous anger and resentment.

These fathers are often emotionally distant, absent, or unable to model or express negative emotions in a healthy way. They often medicate this anger and resentment with alcohol, drugs, work, busyness, pornography, or sex just like their fathers did.

So how do you begin to heal as an adult child of a narcissistic parent?

Begin to unlearn what you thought was a “normal” way for a parent to treat a child.

Acknowledge you experienced neglect, abuse, and/or trauma.
Stop making excuses for your parent(s).
Set boundaries with the parent by beginning to practice the word “no” or “no thank you.”
Begin to inner-stand that you do not have to consent to being treated like this anymore.
Find a support group like ACOA/Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Invest in yourself and find a therapist or start recovery.
Begin to inner-stand that you are worthy to be loved for who you are not what you do for them.
It is not and was never your fault the way they treated you.

Take the Complex PTSD Self Assessment

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.