Overt vs. Covert Narcissist

We’ve learned communication problems come from the inability to identify and express feelings and emotions. A big culprit is the feeling of anxiety. Oftentimes, talkers deal with anxiety by talking, and listeners deal with their anxiety by listening.

In this blog, we are going to look at the issue of narcissism. Specifically, themes and patterns I have seen the past 20 years as a therapist, and the difference between overt (male) and covert (female) narcissism. Again, these are not gender-specific but most often male and female narcissism do have frequent patterns.

The etymology of the word overt means to be open, clear, plan to view, revealed, to uncover. Covert means to be hidden, private, secret, concealed, underhanded or to cover.

Narcissism comes from the root word narke meaning numb or numbness, stupor, asleep or unconscious, where we get the word narcotic.

So, an overt narcissist is one who is numb, asleep or unconscious in plain view, opened and uncovered and seen.

A covert narcissist is one who is also numb asleep or unconscious hidden, in private and unseen.

Narcissism is a deep operating system of the nervous system and the ego due to trauma and neglect.

The word narcissist is used and abused in mental health and recovery, especially between couples. It is all over social media with memes and catchy 30-second shorts. Most often, the female partner explains to me why her male partner is a narcissist. Most often, she is correct yet incorrect. The overt narcissistic male is what most people traditionally think of as narcissism.

What is not being discussed, like most mental health and medical diagnosis, narcissism needs to be seen and understood on a spectrum from mild, moderate, to severe. Your male partner may have attributes of narcissism, but it does not mean they are a severe narcissist trying to harm you. You do not trust him and for good reason due to past behaviors.

I have found many overt male narcissists are open and willing to look at this issue, take responsibility, and make changes. The female covert narcissist is not as willing.

The other issue I see that is not being talked about is the covert narcissistic female who is blaming her narcissistic male partner. He does not feel safe with her and for good reason due to her past behaviors. Again, there is a spectrum of severity from mild, moderate, to severe.

Narcissism is a BIG problem, as it is strongly attached to the ego of the person. If the ego wins, the relationship will always lose. You can be right and a slave to “right-ness” or learn how to be free. There are no other options. Most couples I work with have never had a non-egoic conversation. They have no clue how to love unconditionally. I have concluded most couples who come to therapy really do not love each other.

They love the image of the “box” and “avatar” they created their partner to be in their minds. When the avatar does not act or fit in the “box” as a “husband,” “wife,” or partner should according to them, they get anxious, angry, offended, manipulative and judgmental using shame and blame. When the avatar gets back into the box and acts as they “are supposed to,” then “love” and acceptance returns.

In my career, I can count on one hand the number of severe overt narcissistic men who have taken responsibility, become teachable stepped out of entitlement and changed from these behaviors. However, there are even fewer mild covert narcissistic women who have owned their issues and remained in recovery.

Unfortunately, it is my observation, that conservative religious individuals (such as Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or Indian) are the most difficult clients to treat. They are the most stuck and programmed in their beliefs.

I have sat through tens of thousands of hours listening to groups, individuals, and couples. This is NOT about blaming anyone. This is to make you think, ask questions and create a framework to help both genders better understand themselves and their partner. In this way, we can all grow and change for the sake of restoration, healing our families, relationships, communities and the planet.

I hope to prevent future generations from making the same mistakes their parents (or we) have all made. Let’s stop living in duality and polarity and start living in unity.

Below is a chart, which is my attempt to help you see, inner-stand and comprehend the differences and similarities of an overt and covert narcissist.

Overt Narcissistic Male	Covert Narcissistic Female
A “Kevin”	A “Karen”
Abundant Minded	Scarcity Minded
Addicted to things not socially acceptable	Addicted to things that are socially acceptable
Addicted to being offended	Addicted to being “right”
Addicted to negative emotions	Addicted to negative emotions
Addicted to denial and defensiveness	Addicted to asking “Why?”
Avoid taking blame and fault at all cost	Avoid taking fault and blame at all cost
Believes self to be Authentic and Real	Believes self to be an Empath or Empathic
Be Loyal to me Professionally	Be Loyal to me Personally
Confident Professionally Not Personally	Confident Personally Not Professionally
Disappointed in Self	Disappointed in Partner and kids
Doesn’t like being told they are wrong	Doesn’t like being told “no”
Emotionally Shallow	Sexually Shallow
Emotionally Neglectful, Inactive	Verbally Abusive, Reactive
Emotionally connects with men	Emotionally connects with women
Entitled and not Teachable	Entitled and not Teachable
Extrovert	Introvert
Focused on his shame	Focused on his betrayal of the past
Feels Disrespected	Feels Unloved
Fears Vulnerability	Demands Vulnerability then Weaponizes it
Fears not being recognized	Fears being abandoned
Gaslighting Emotionally	Gaslighting Mentally and Verbally
Gives double messages: “I love you; go away!”	Gives double messages: “You never do any right; I need you!”
“Be loyal to me; I may or may not be loyal to you.”	“Always tell me the truth; You did what!? How dare you!”
“My rules apply to you, not me.”	“I hate you, don’t leave me.”
“I will be there for you; next time.”	“Everything will be fine; I can’t deal with this.”
Great ex-sight, poor insight	Great ex-sight, poor insight
Good listener, Poor Verbal Skills	Good Verbal Skills, Poor Listener
Indifferent to Correction or Criticism	Very Sensitive to Correction or Criticism
Intimacy Anorexic	Intimacy Anorexic
Nonverbal Internal Processor	Verbal External Processor
“I am willing to get help and make changes.”	“I don’t need to change, you get help.”
“I made you who you are.”	“I have Sacrificed Everything for you.”
“I am King, you are my Servant”	“I am not your Slave anymore.”
“That is not what I meant”	“I will tell you want you really meant to say.”
Lies about Big Things and Purchases	Lies about small Things and Purchases
Life of the Party	Sucks the life out of the Party
Lives in the gaps of the lies therefore never lied	Lives in the feelings of now therefore never lied
Manipulative in Public	Manipulative in Private
Materialistic with Things	Materialistic with Self-Appearance
Negative Thoughts and Feelings are Truth	Negative Thoughts and Feelings are a used as a Truth Detector
Never feelings good enough	Never feels loved or supported
Nice Guy, Peter Pan Syndrome	Nice Gal, Cinderella Syndrome
Perfectionistic with image and possessions	Perfectionistic with self and possessions
Opinionated and expects you to not give yours	Opinionated and expects you to agree
Outwardly Competitive	Inwardly Competitive
Over Sexualizes His Woman	Over Emotionalizes Her Man
Religious Ego	Religious Ego
Religious upbringing	Religious upbringing
Rule breaker	Rule follower
Self-righteousness or right-ness	Self-righteousness or right-ness
Self-centered externally	Self-centered internally
Selfish for the “good” of others	Others are selfish, sees self as selfless
Shaming Style Leadership	Shaming Partner and kids
Socially Comfortable	Socially Awkward
Speaks man to his woman	Speaks woman to her man
Struggles with Insecurity not being seen as #1	Struggles with Insecurity, Control and Worthlessness
Strong Ego Beliefs of what is “right” and “wrong”	Strong Ego Beliefs to tell you what is “right” and “wrong”
Quits Therapy when Relationship Ends	Quits Therapy when Challenged by Therapist
“You are Not Safe!”	“You are Not Trustworthy!”
“You never listen to me!”	“You never support me, You are never there for me!”
“You owe me after all I have done for you.”	“You owe me after all I have sacrificed for you.”
Unwilling to Apologize and will blame you	Closest thing to an apology “I am sorry you feel that way.”
Values Money, Career, Image	Values Relationship with Partner
Victim Mentality with Self-Pity	Victim Mentality with Self-Pity
Values Public Praise	Values Private Praise
Withholds Controls Emotionally and Spiritually	Withholds, Controls Sex and Touch
Will Fire or Ghost you if challenged professionally	Will Rage if challenged personally
Will Fawn or Freeze	Will Fight or Flight
Worried about what Partner Thinks	Worried about what the World / Others Think

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.