Re-Parenting

In therapy, we talk a lot about healing your inner child or past traumas from the abuses and neglects of your parent(s) or those in authority over you. What does this really mean?

In the book entitled, Compelled to Control, by J. Keith Miller, he explains how to heal broken relationships and create intimacy. He cites the work of Pia Mellody in understanding the true and innocent nature of a child.

The Nature of a Child is Valuable.
The Nature of a Child is Vulnerable.
The Nature of a Child is Imperfect.
The Nature of a Child is Needy, Wanting and Dependent.
The Nature of a Child is Immature.

Be sure to pause. Let this really sink in. Read the above five items. Most people have NEVER heard this before. In fact, they were told the exact opposite. These defective characteristics of a child need to be purged, removed, or replaced.

When parents have their own unresolved traumas or neglects and most likely suffer from anxious, fearful, or avoidant attachment issues themselves, they will more than likely repeat these patterns with their children. (Read Anxious Avoidant Couples Attachment Theory)

When parents do not respect or understand these natural traits of a child but shame their child to meet the parents’ expectations, the child is then forced to please the parent to avoid punishment, rejection, or to gain positive approval.

When children try to please their parents at all costs, it becomes the new familiar and comfortable normal which develops into an unhealthy pattern of co-dependency. Oftentimes, they put others first and themselves second. Most often, they are not allowed space to share their thoughts and feelings without a negative consequence. Affirmation and approval all come from the parent figure in order to self-regulate. Living from the outside-in becomes critical while denying their own wants and needs in order to meet the expectations of their parent(s).

If you are not aware of the nature of a child or violating it, it can become a form of covert child abuse. This is consistent and chronic over many years, if not their entire childhood. (Read Narcissistic Parents)

The child develops an inner voice of the super ego or the critical parent that is in constant control of correcting their inner child who wants to have fun or their adult self that longs to make choices on their own, even if the parent would not approve.

They have learned to make mistakes is “wrong,” and different opinions or feelings from their parents will most often result in disappointing them. To survive, the child begins to learn how to be proactive and read the fluctuating emotions of the parent to better navigate through each and every day. Did you grow up in or are you currently a part of a dysfunctional family? (Take the Dysfunctional Family Self-Assessment)

Adult children of alcoholics, as well as dysfunctional families and controlling parents, will create the dis-ease of control within their children…in the form of perfectionism by ever correcting what is “right” and what is “wrong.” The child presumes if they are “perfect,” they cannot disappoint their parent(s). Children are smart and adaptive. You were no different. You might have also received double messages over and over from one or both of your parents. (Read Double Messages)

This results in the child being conditioned to be conflict avoidant. They feel trapped and most likely cannot escape no matter how hard they try to please their parent(s). It is never enough, which creates a condition called learned helplessness. However, this comes at a huge price, as they are not able to really be themselves, have opinions, thoughts, or feelings of their own. This creates an even bigger problem in being unable to be truly intimate with a partner or even their own children in the future.

Now, as a parent of four adult daughters, I am not saying parents should never correct, guide, or disagree with or discipline a child. For example, it is more loving to correct or discipline a child for playing on the street to protect them from getting injured or potentially killed by a car. Streets are for cars, not for children.

A healthy adult, or an adult that has learned how to reparent themselves, is more likely to be successful in personal and professional relationships. So, what does it mean to “re-parent” yourself? It is about learning how to live from the inside-out, learning how to move from unhealthy attachment and approval seeking to move toward secure attachment by learning how to self-regulate and trust your own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. It is learning how to have the courage to express yourself to others which can seem very intimidating.

We are going to begin to reframe these past experiences.

Acknowledge that you have a problem. You are not responsible for the abuse or neglect. You are not responsible for being “shot.” However, you are responsible for calling for help or to get yourself to the hospital.

If you are married or in a relationship, your partner may not want to join you on this journey. They may believe you are the problem, not them. That is okay. Because at this time, your codependency patterns with each other are going to inhibit your progress more than help. So, it is great first step to work on yourself first, and put others second.

Let go of trying to control your partner as well as others. We have no control over what other people do or not do, regardless of what we think is “right.” Letting go also means letting go of your attachment to the outcome. For many, this means giving your partner and expectations over to God, your Higher Power, Source, the All, or Jesus.

Your adult self or ego will begin to reparent your inner child or id. Together, you will face the critical-parent voice or the super ego. “We (adult you and inner child) need your (crucial parent voice) support or solutions; if you cannot give us that, you will need to be silent from now on.”

Valuable: Begin to allow your adult self to speak lovingly to your inner child out loud.

“You are loveable.”
“You are so valuable to me.”
“We are in this and will get through this together.”
“You are and were always enough.”
“I am loveable for who I am regardless of how well I do something.”
“We are worthy to get healthy together.”
“We have each other, you are no longer alone.”

Vulnerable: Acknowledge how vulnerable you were as a child.

“You did the best you could to protect us both.”
“Thank you for being a survivor and my hero”
“Thank you for doing what you did to keep us safe and alive.”
“You are safe now; and as an adult, I will take care of you and protect you.”
“You are so valuable to me with all your talents, abilities, and gifts.”

Imperfect: Acknowledge your inner child that they were never meant to be perfect.

“You were an amazing child, doing what children do.”
“You were perfectly imperfect.”
“You were silly, inquisitive, adventurous, kind, playful, and clumsy.”
“You were never meant to be an adult or do adult things as child.”
“That was how it was supposed to be.”
“I see now how my parents used shame to control me and motivate me to be perfect.”

Needy, Wanting, and Dependent: Children are needy, wanting, and dependent.

“You were a child with needs, wants, and dependent on others to meet them.”
“That was never wrong, bad, or sinful.”
“Our parent’s inability to meet our needs was their fault, not ours.”
“You were not too much. They were just not mature enough to know or understand how to be the parent you needed.”
“We are grateful for our dysfunctional family. It has made us who we are today and taught us many lessons.”
“Today we choose to forgive them and ourselves.”
“We are going to do life better than our parents did.”

Immature: Children are allowed to be immature.

“Our body, nervous system and brain was not fully developed until the age of 24.”
“We did immature things, which may have caused us both some suffering.”
“However, through the suffering and pain I am grateful, because these have been our greatest teachers.”
“As an adult I take things way to seriously now”
“Can you teach me how to laugh, be less serious and have fun again?”
“I am so excited we are on this journey together!”

These are just some examples. Come up with your own that are more specific to your situation. Keep a daily journal to express your thoughts and feelings as you do this work. Find someone who is safe and supportive to read your journal out loud to them. You can also do this as part of a mediation practice. Be patient, kind, and forgiving toward yourself as you get to be the best parent your inner child always needed. You see your parents were never meant to be the perfect parent for you…that has always been your job.

Source: Compelled to Control by J. Keith Miller

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.