Shamed-Based Parenting Transformed Hearts

In our last blog, we looked at BIG traumas and little traumas. Some of them you may have been aware of while others may have been new to you or may have been considered traumatic. If you are human, I do not know if it is possible NOT to have experienced some type of trauma, regardless, if you are conscious of it or if it is stored in your body in some way.

The longer I am in recovery, the more I realize that I, along with most of my clients, have experienced what I call shamed-based parenting. This is also a part of an emotional trauma that has shaped many clients we work with.

As a reminder, guilt states you did something bad or wrong. Shaming states you are bad or not enough. It attacks your essence.

We have also learned in previous blogs that this is also known as the super ego or the critical parent voice in your head.

Here are few examples you may have heard as a child from your parent(s):

I don’t like your tone.
I don’t like your attitude.
You don’t appreciate all I have done for you.
Don’t be disrespectful.
You are so ungrateful.
You are such a disappointment.
I am so disappointed in you.
Stop crying, before I give you something to cry about!
Be grateful for the gift, even if you don’t like it.
Why can’t you act more like your sister/brother?
It hurts Mommy/Daddy when you do/don’t do _____ .
You don’t deserve that because of ______ .
If you would not do ______ , I would not get so angry with you.
If you would do ______ , I would do _______ .
If you really loved Mommy/Daddy, you would not do this to me.
Since the divorce, why do you want to spend more time with Daddy than Mommy?

Can you relate to any of these? Can you come up with some of your own? Did your caregiver have rules which were contradictory, unpredictable, or inconsistent?

Regardless of how the child responds, they are in a no-win situation. This is what we call a double bind in mental health. Through research, this has been found to increase the risk of the child developing schizophrenia as an adult.

This behavior, by the parent, creates tremendous mental confusion and emotional pain for the child. The child learns to adapt by not dealing with their emotions. It is unsafe to share with the parent. So, the child adapts, and they may act in rebellious ways, as they will be blamed as the scapegoat. Some adapt and head the other direction and become the hero or an overachiever. They might become the clown of the family or use humor to distract and deflect. Others take care of their parents and themselves emotionally or financially. Some runaway or get caught up in drugs and/or alcohol to cope with their pain, also known as the lost child.

As an adult, this child will most likely lack the ability for a secure attachment in which they can trust and lean on a reliable partner when they need help. This is generally the origin of Chronic or Complex PTSD. As an adult, they have a higher risk of developing an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style. They will struggle connecting to their significant other and, most likely, repeat a shaming parenting style with their own children. As a parent, have you used any of the above statements with your child?

Many adults suffer from unidentified and treated Complex PTSD. Do you suffer from CPTSD due to your childhood experiences? Take the CPTSD Self-Assessment today!

It’s not just parents who use shame. Double bind situations in parent-child relationships as adults are better known as gaslighting between partners. Gaslighting happens not only in private relationships but professional, public, and social relationships as well.

Governments, schools, universities, and religions do this as well to keep control over you by shaming you.

I define gaslighting simply as when a person or institution relentlessly presents mis- or dis-information to coerce you to betray yourself. Read Gaslighing – the Real Pandemicto “inner-stand” more.

This is all about control and manipulation. Often unknowingly, we give up and give over our consent. This takes tremendous unlearning to understand at a micro and macro level, as you have been programmed your entire life by their propaganda.

Finally, parents who shame their children were most likely shamed children. Most parents who controlled their children with shame also struggle with untreated narcissism or narcissist behaviors and addictions. We will look at narcissistic parents in our next blog.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.