Previously, I have written about grief in the context of death of a loved one and the stages of grief that most will experience. However, I have not written about grief, as it displays itself in therapy. I believe the stages of grief are similar, if not the same, shock, denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance, and finally helping others by sharing our story. Everyone’s grief is different and unique. It is not linear. Grief is more like a maze or a labyrinth that you can become lost in.
The etymology of the word grief comes from the word gravare, meaning to weigh down, coming from the root word gwere, which means heavy. It can also mean burden, oppose, or afflict someone, causing bodily harm, suffering, or hardship. This is a good description of what many partners in sex addiction and intimacy anorexia recovery experience.
The partner’s grief can often be dismissed or unaddressed in recovery, as oftentimes, the majority of attention is given to the addict. In our experience, this is foolish, and all three parts of recovery need to be addressed when working with couples: he, she and we.
Partners of sex addicts and intimacy anorexics experience not only common pain of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection but also hurt, fear, powerlessness, anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, and distrust, just to name a few. Each emotion produces grief. Through all this, the partner also experiences cognitive dissonance regarding the reality they thought about their marriage and who their partner really, which are typically not the same.
Coming out of cognitive dissonance is not only about their partner but also about themselves through the loss of what they thought was true. They also question themselves, connecting the dots from the past they previously ignored and the self-betrayal of their inner intuitive voice. No longer can they trust the addict. Now, they can no longer trust themselves. The loss of what they thought was normal creates fear of an unknown future.
According the Center of Complicated Grief, four types of grief have been identified.
- Acute Grief
Acute grief is short term but intense and can dominate a person’s life, focusing on the person who has died (or, in our case, changed). They experience intense feelings of sadness, yearning, longing, anger, remorse, thoughts of what could have been or what would have been.
- Integrated Grief
The person adapts to the loss and allows grief to have a place in their life. This does not mean grief is over; but their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors become integrated in their life, providing space to remember and honor the person.
- Complicated Grief
This occurs when something interferes or interrupts the grieving process and adaptation to life without the person (or, in our case, the person who we thought they were). They might believe the person is going to return (or be who we imagined them to be). Life responsibilities as well as personal and professional relationships suffer, as grief dominates and cripples the person from functioning in a healthy way.
- Disenfranchised Grief
According to Tashel Bordere, this occurs when the loss was not publicly acknowledged by cultural grieving practices or ceremonies do not occur. The grief becomes invisible to others. It can be the death of an unborn child or infertility, a family suicide, a victim of sexual assault or a rape, loss of a home by flood or fire, loss of a job or bankruptcy as well as infidelity or divorce. These all impact the person’s sense of safety, security, and stability of what they deem normal.
It is this last type of grief that most partners experience. Disenfranchised is an accurate description of what partners of sex addicts and intimacy anorexics feel. Many feel they have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. I assure you this is not true. We have a women’s support group called Ashes to Beauty and resources for female partners stuck in disenfranchised grief.
These support groups have amazing women who are able to connect, share, laugh, and cry. To be seen and heard by other women being fully present with you is powerful and healing.
In Brene’ Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, it states this very thing, “This need for connection, for storytelling and story catching, is what makes group therapy and support groups such powerful healing experiences for those who are grieving.”
You are not alone, and there is hope! Contact us today and turn your grief from Ashes into Beauty.
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
