Seek to Understand Others...First

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. – Stephen Covey

We live in an age now where anybody and everybody has the ability to have a platform on the internet to share, create, publish, or speak. One does not need to be an expert in the topic or profession they are talking about. They need only to share perspective on an experience. Generally, the more dynamic, attractive, thought-provoking, tech savvy, charming, authentic and even controversial, the more attention they will get. Their channel may grow with comments, likes, and followers. It is human behavior to listen and agree with others that share your common opinions and beliefs.

You would think most YouTubers are successful and able to make a living doing it. A quick google search reveals that only 0.33% of them are able to support themselves by earning a living wage. That is less than 1 percent! Now 96 percent make $12,000/year. Less than 1 percent have over 100k subscribers.

In general, about 25 percent of content creators are able to make a living wage, which is $40,000/ year. That’s not bad, but that will barely get you by in today’s economy. It is estimated 2 percent of content creators earn six figures or more. There are now more platforms than ever making it more difficult to keep followers’ attention and loyalty.

My point is that many are talking. In fact, there are now an estimated 200 million content creators. However, is anyone really listening? Are people just listening to others that reinforce existing beliefs creating deeper egoic intrenchment and division? There is so much information and endless opinions but is there evidence of humanity uniting?

When families or couples come to our office, they generally do not come to understand each other as much as they come to speak and be understood by others.

Subconsciously, clients expect to be heard, supported, AND have their perspective be validated by the therapist. Now, this is not a bad thing and is a wonderful part of the therapeutic process. It is human desire to be seen and given the time and space to share your story. To be great (and not just a good partner / person / therapist), you must learn how to be a conversationist.

David Brooks in his book How to Know a Person writes, “A good conversationalist is a master of fostering a two-way exchange. A good conversationalist is capable of leading people on a mutual expedition toward understanding… A good conversation sparks you to have a thought you never had before. A good conversation starts in one place and ends up in another” (p.72-73).

Are you a good conversationalist? Are your conversations dialogues or monologues? Are you speaking more than you’re listening? If you are not sure, ask your partner and your kids. Do not get defensive but take some time to really understand and listen to their feedback.

I tell my clients there just might be a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. It might be so that we would listen twice as much as we speak.

Emotions can run high during sessions between couples due to a long history of the inability to identify what they are feeling and having healthy habits in sharing them. Defensiveness, sarcasm, accusation, blame, criticism or shaming comments from both can escalate quickly.

When both or everyone is talking, neither are really listening, as individual egos want to be “right.” Your personal and professional relationships are going to struggle, and eventually, end if neither step back and take the time to listen, inner-stand or really know the other person’s perspective, regardless if you agree or not.

Listening takes a LOT of practice and discipline. Most couples in therapy need a mediator to help get them started.

Key Tips:

Both:

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Codependent passive communication will not help either of you.
Talk less, listen more; learn how to ask open-ended questions.
Do not take each other’s differing thoughts or feelings about a topic… personally.
- It is not always about you. I cannot emphasis this enough.
Stay calm observing your emotions as information. Do not let your emotions control you.
Do you both say you want honesty? When your partner was REALLY honest in the past, how did you respond? Would you want to be vulnerable and honest with a person like that ever again?
Seek to understand your partner…first. Seek to be understood…second.

Men do not talk to your woman as if they are a man. You will need to be patient, repeat / mirror what they said and how they feel. You will need to get comfortable being more patient and earning the “right” to challenge them.

Men speak to each other very directly. “Why did you do it that way? That is never going to work. What were you thinking? I have found doing it this way is much easier.”

You cannot talk to women, including your daughters, like this. I know this can be confusing to understand when a woman is venting her emotions or you think she is asking you to fix something. So, ask clarifying questions; “Honey, do you want support as I listen, hold you, OR do you want solutions?” She will tell you want she wants. This will help a great deal.

Stay away from “you” and “I” statements and move toward how can “we” overcome / work on this together.

Women do not talk to your man as if he is a woman or part of your female friend group. Speak directly, not covertly. Women generally engage in a very fast paced face-to-face communication style of them speaking, then the other immediately speaking and sharing in response. This can go on for hours, and at times, even speaking over each other.

When you speak to your man, you will need to first slow down and wait. What I mean is give him time to respond after you share AND give him additional time after he speaks. I encourage you to count to 20 seconds in your head…after you speak and after he speaks. He most likely will have more to share. He will not talk over you as men see this as disrespectful. This will feel very slow to you.

Also, male relationships may subconsciously experience face-to-face conversations as an act of confrontation or even threatening behavior. Instead, go for a walk and talk side-by-side. Sit beside him on the couch or at the table, not in front of him.

Bad mood or bad character?

Do you or your partner continue to struggle? Has the relationship become so toxic you keep having the same conversations with no resolution? Do you or your partner continue to blame the other person and rarely ever take responsibility? Then deeper issues may exist. A “bad” mood to justify poor behaviors is one thing. The inability to be teachable and change… is another.

For more information on this topic, check out my other blog on this topic called Talker versus Listener.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.