In our last blog, we learned that most people think they are struggling with the inability to communicate, which is more deeply about recognizing the role of the ego, identifying current feelings and past emotions, and then sharing them without accusing, blaming, or criticizing others.
Today, we are going to look at how people process their feelings and emotions. Specifically, we are going to talk about the feeling of anxiety.
Once upon a time, Jen, a talker, verbal or external processor, meets Derek, a listener, nonverbal or internal processor. The first date was amazing. As Jen talked and talked, Derek listened to her every word and was able to validate her every thought and feeling. It was a match made in heaven, neither had ever experienced such bliss. They fell deeper in love with each date, and the relationship became better and better. They married, had kids; and for 20 years, it worked. Until… it no longer worked. Jen finally stopped talking, and Derek stopped listening.
Jen felt like Derek never shared his thoughts or feelings. Derek tried but never felt she listened to him. They sought help and explained to me they have a communication problem. They have been communicating fine for 20 years. However, they have not been emoting their emotions for 20 years.
When Jen gets anxious, she talks. The more anxious she gets the more she talks. In fact, Derek feels she has to speak her every thought. Derek struggles with anxiety also. He copes by becoming quiet. The more anxious he feels the quieter he becomes. This makes Jen even more anxious, as she does not feel that she has been heard and does not understand why he will not respond, so she gets louder, and her monologues get longer. This only magnifies her insecurities of past fears of abandonment and the potential of it happening again in her marriage.
She verbally fights and flees in her anxiety. He fawns and freezes in his anxiety. It is not right or wrong. It is just how little girl Jen and little boy Derek learned how to cope with their feelings and emotions in the family system they grew up in and how their autonomic nervous system is wired. They can continue to be upset about it and live in a miserable relationship or they can learn the lesson. [Please note that being an internal or external/verbal processor is not gender specific. However, more often than not, women are more verbal and men are more often internal, nonverbal.]
Verbal processors are very poor listeners. There is a reason we have two ears and one mouth, as a verbal processor has never learned the lesson to listen twice as much as you speak. Nonverbal, internal processors struggle to verbal their thoughts and feelings. Internal processors are very codependent, as they do not want to upset others with their thoughts or feelings that may differ from others or to speak things that would scare the hell out of them.
She is codependent in her fear of abandonment. He is codependent in his fear desiring to please her and not make waves.
To speak or not to speak, to be honest or not be honest with one’s thoughts and feelings? Derek and Jen have a pattern being external and internal processors. An internal processor begins to share their thoughts, feelings, or perspective about a topic such as parenting the kids, a financial budget, visiting the parents, dating, sex, etc. The external processor interrupts the internal processor due to their anxiety or for a differing opinion or feeling. Both egos are deeply intrenched in the need to be “right” and avoiding fault. Being right enslaves both of them.
You see, it has been my observation that many verbal processors are very sensitive to any subtle or direct indication that they are being blamed or faulted even in the slightest. They will defend themselves and fight to the conversational death that can go on for hours. This is the only way they know how to balance themselves to homeostasis and discharge the anxiety of fault.
If they were at fault, that would require change. This simply does not compute. Their minds/ hardware / program / neuropathways cannot and will not process such software. Most verbal processors will punish into submission the internal processor for sharing their thoughts and feelings. The very thing they desired for them to do. They will correct them, twist what they did not say, invalidate the internal processor, yet expect their feelings to be validated. They are “right’. Their partner is “wrong”.
The internal processor, nonverbal partner will attempt to try and fix it by doing things with acts of service and when that does not work shut down in silence. Both following their hard-wired programs of their nervous systems.
It can become a cyclical trap and here is why. Let us look at the internal operating system of an external processor/ talker. The operating system runs like this in three stages:
- To be Loved = I must be Perfect.
- When I believe I am perfect, no one can criticize me.
- No change is required of me.
- I feel positive “good” feelings.
- I am accepted, I am loved.
Balance and Homeostasis / OPS Running Well
- To be at Fault = I am Imperfect “bad” or “wrong.”
- To be at fault would mean…I would need to change!
- Me changing would mean I am “bad” “wrong.”
- I feel negative “bad” feelings.
- I am not accepted. I am not loveable.
- This makes me anxious, I am out of Homeostasis!
Information does not compute!
Warning! Virus!
Hardware cannot process this information; discharge virus!
Fix Immediately or OPS will CRASH!
Attack Eliminate Virus!
- To be at Fault (I cannot be at fault) = Others Need to Change.
- Being Imperfect means I am unloveable.
- I must remain loveable.
- To remain loveable, I must be perfect.
- To remain perfect, I am now loveable again.
- Nothing is my fault.
- It is THEIR FAULT!
- THEY NEED to change.
- I must convince others at all costs that it is their fault.
- They now understand it is not my fault.
- Nothing to change here for me; I am okay now.
- I am loveable.
- Anxiety gone.
- I feel better.
Threat averted.
Safety restored.
Balance and Homeostasis returns / OPS running well again.
Now let’s look at the internal processor. They will fawn or freeze and get more silent to balance their homeostasis as a central locus of control. This helped them survive as a little boy or girl.
The operating of an internal processor/ listener runs like this:
- To be Loved = Serve others Perfectly
- I must help others by fixing their problems to make them feel loved.
- I feel love and at peace when others are at peace.
- I meet the needs of others first, and my needs are second.
- If I do not make waves, I am loved.
Balance and Homeostasis / OPS Running Well
- To be at Fault = I am Doing things Imperfectly
- I must be doing something wrong to make them feel this way.
- It is my fault they are acting this way.
- I need to listen more.
- I need to be more silent.
- This helps them calm down.
- My thoughts and opinions do not matter.
- My feelings do not matter.
- I must DO more to help them feel better.
Information does not compute!
Warning! Virus!
Hardware cannot process this information; discharge virus!
Fix Immediately or OPS will CRASH!
Attack Eliminate Virus!
- To be at Fault = Become who they need me to be.
- Sharing my thoughts and opinions is making things worse.
- They tell me that is not what I am really thinking or feeling.
- Taking responsibility for MY faults and THEIRS brings peace.
- I must not be doing enough around here for them to be happy with me.
- They are yelling, but it will eventually stop.
- I need to be more still and quiet.
- They are now quiet.
- Everything is quiet now.
- They also must feel better now.
- I feel better.
- I am being who they need me to be.
- Anxiety is gone.
Threat averted.
Safety restored.
Balance and Homeostasis returns / OPS running well again.
They both have skills the other person needs, and it is by no accident that they met and fell in love. Love can be restored and renewed if they can get out of their egos, and the egos desire to separate them. Will they have the ability to let go of their egos and their negative thoughts and feelings that are lying to both of them? Most do not and will not pass this test.
Love connects, ego separates. The ego creates chaos. It is never safe for your partner when ego is present. It is not a communication problem. It is an egoic problem.
Both operating systems have served them well as children. We are grateful for the old operating system, as it has served them well. However, it is time for an upgrade. What helped them both survive as children will not help them thrive in a relationship.
Humility and taking responsibility for your individual defects of character, embracing your weaknesses, and owning fault is the only way out of this trap with a sincere empathetic… apology.
The long-term cure is learning how to keep you ego from its addiction to being offended by letting go of real or imagined offenses others have done to you, and the resentments and stories you tell yourself about them.
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
