The 3 Stages of Relationship

Last week, we began to understand the difference between emotions and feelings and the impact they can have on communication between a couple when they are not aware of the differences. In this blog post, we are going to look at three stages or levels of a relationship that David Dieda describes in his book Intimate Communion.

As you read this, you will notice this may sound familiar to what we refer to codependency or dependency, as well as interdependency in recovery, such as a sick system a lot of couples have that I have written about in my previous blogs and books.

Stage 1: Dependence

Master/Slave Relationship, power play, men are men, women are women, traditional, cultural, religious, sexual, and relational roles.
AKA Codependency, “fill up my cup,” a give to get, love with strings attached or feeling this relationship will make me happy.
The Ego is addicted to beliefs of what is “right” and what is “wrong.”

Feminine	Masculine
She is her man’s woman Seeks love from others on the outside of herself to fill her Lives in the lack of love Needs to be validated Enjoys love novels that over emotionalize men Lives in self-betrayal Pleases him sexually Married woman with a self-betrayal mindset	The need to gain/acquire all things Dependent Relationship with Women “Life Sucks then You Die.” Seeks affirmation of accomplishments from outside of himself Lives in the lack of freedom Enjoys objectifying, over sexualizing women Ejaculation addiction Married man with a single man mindset

Stage 2: The 50/50

Fairness is important. Equal expectations of each other.
AKA: Give to get type of love; AND, at times, a give-to-give type of love. “If you will do ____, then I will do ______.”
Old beliefs begin to be challenged with an awareness of the Ego.

Feminine	Masculine
She is her own woman Seeks love from within Follows no doctrine, begins to question rules and beliefs Begins to stop betraying herself Sex is no longer free	Need for self-improvement Wants better, not more Seeks to transform his understanding of the rules and beliefs Follows no doctrine. “Life is a Beach.” “Question Authority.” “Live Your Dream.” Money with a Budget

Stage 3: Intimate Communion

Relax into oneness and spontaneously give of their deepest gifts. They practice love even when they feel hurt, rejected, or resistant, giving from their core.
AKA: Interdependency, a complete self-love. “I love you out of my fullness regardless if you love me back, I will be okay.”
The Ego is no longer attached to outcomes or expectations but to what is wise. This is the most difficult stage to reach.

Feminine	Masculine
She is love for herself and others Her true nature is love Love comes from the inside Lives in the abundance of love Able to say “no” to set boundaries and put her own wants and needs first Sex is about dissolving and relaxing and being ravished by her partner	Letting go of the self Ego Death. “I am Already Free.” Freedom comes from the inside Lives in the abundance of freedom Able to say “no” to set boundaries and putting him first Married-man mindset Sex is about intimacy, relaxing, and ravishing his partner

Most couples will find themselves in any one of these stages during their relationship. In my experience, I would say the large majority of couples never get past Stage 1 in their relationship. Generally, it takes a tremendous amount of pain to get them into Stage 2 and a marital or life crisis to get them into Stage 3. It is this tremendous pain that most couples and individuals begin to unlearn their addiction to their negative emotions, the beliefs, and the ego’s need to be right.

As you begin to process this information, it is important to understand that:

Most are not aware of these stages of relationship development creating conflict.
Most do not have words or understanding of what is going on to themselves or the relationship.
Most never get past Stage 1 or 2 without a crisis, such as separation or divorce.
Most do not move through the Stages together, which creates even more misunderstanding and confusion.
Most do not understand the ego, let alone its addiction to time, ejaculation, and the inability to slow down and relax.
Most do not understand how to effectively communicate emotions and feelings, as the relationship goes through these stages they are not aware of.

Is it any wonder most marriages end in divorce? What if couples could begin to shine some light on this information? What if couples began to understand their addiction to time, ejaculation, orgasms, and their inability to relax and connect with themselves and each other? What would happen if couples began to understand the implications of these Stages, moving out of their egoic attachments of being right and begin to move toward each other creating oneness and unity?

Deida writes in his book Dear Lover, “These women learn that by loving themselves just as they are, and by loving their men even with all his human limits, then they can feel okay. They can feel warmly okay with their own humanness and their man’s. They don’t need things to be perfect anymore. They are able to love and accept things as they are. –Dear Lover by David Deida

In addition, I would add that it is not only the women who don’t need for things to be perfect anymore. It is the men as well.

Source and Inspired By: Intimate communion, Dear Lover by David Deida

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.