A lie only has power, if and only if, you believe it to be true. No matter what the lie is, not knowing the truth may cost you greatly. Lies bring bondage into your life. The truth will set you free. Much of what I do as a therapist is to get people to think about what they think about, to get them to think about why they believe the things they do, to get people not to just believe everything they hear as truth, to get people to think for themselves and to set people free from themselves and the lies, myths, or bad information they believe to be true. I have written before about bad information.
As a sexual recovery therapist, I have heard many lies about male and female sexuality. One of these lies is that men have to ejaculate every 72 hours. If the man is not allowed to do, so they will experience what is known as “blue balls,” which refers to the faint blue color testicles may get in “severe cases.” Over the past several decades, this lie has traveled the globe many times over.
Now this is a real condition in the medical world known as epididymal hypertension or testicular vasocongestion, which occurs during the excitement of sexual activity or the anticipation of sexual activity with an increase in blood flow and inability to release. Buildup can also occur for a few days. However, the body has the ability to absorb the extra semen build up. It can be relieved with an ice pack or with every sex addict’s favorite – sex or masturbation.
Men love to use the 72-hour or blue ball argument to guilt their partner or spouse into having sex with them. It has been my experience that every man who struggles with blue balls is, in my opinion, at some level on the sex addiction continuum. They have trained their body to ejaculate quickly and often, which the body and brain get used to. Some men have reported to me that they “have” to masturbate 5 times a day AND “have” to have sex with their spouse daily to several times per day. If this is you or your spouse, contact us to receive help.
This is not intimacy or making love to your spouse. This is hell, as you are controlled by your body. Get a grip, and start controlling your body. This is masturbatory sex. It is a state of mind that you can train your mind and body to ejaculate quickly and often. What can be learned can be unlearned. What do deployed military men do, or men who have never had a sexual partner do? Couples who have a 4-6 week wait after the birth of a child tend to wait to have intercourse for a period of time. Think people. Believe it or not, there are men who do not masturbate or who are not having sex, and they do not get blue balls. I have yet to read the obituary, “Man dies from not ejaculating.” Grow up.
I understand blue balls can be painful; however, most of it is conditioned behavior you have created or a psychosomatic belief that you are entitled to sex when you want it, as you mentally think about sex as often as you do.
Women, if your spouse is using guilt to get you to have sex with him every 3 days or several times a day because he believes it is your “duty” or else he will have to masturbate or go find someone else, you have permission to tell him “no.” Be set free from this lie. (Read this article.) Set boundaries with him. You are not responsible for his inability to control his own body. You are not responsible for his every sexual “need.” You are not responsible for his out of control sexual appetite. Sure, some couples have a high sex drive; however, if you are betraying yourself, and you know when you are, you do not have to live like this. Have some self-respect and honor yourself. Never let anyone shame you into believing that you are bad if you do not have sex with your spouse every 3 days. Stop being his condom.
Religious/Spiritual Leaders, stop believing and teaching this “every 3 day” lie. You are also part of the problem. You place a huge lie on women, which causes them a great deal of emotional, physical, and sexual trauma by betraying themselves and having no emotional connection to meet the sexual expectations. You are giving men a weapon that he will use on his spouse the remainder of their married lives. You are setting the marriage up to fail, as you tell them she must meet all his sexual needs, but he has no obligation to meet any of her emotional needs. Also, it is not your responsibility to “help” the wife by “holding her accountable,” as she is to report back to you if she is or is not meeting the sexual obligations of her husband.
Urologists, get your facts straight, and do better assessments on your patients by asking them questions about how often they are masturbating and to what images or fantasies; because most likely, your patient has blue balls because they are a sex addict. Telling them to masturbate to relieve the pain only perpetuates the problem. Stop telling these men that they are going to get prostate cancer if they don’t masturbate and “relieve the pain.” Stop being part of the problem, and start being part of the solution. Refer these patients to a sexual recovery therapist. (Read the attached Urology Blog.)
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.