The Female Narcissist & Thought Disorders

WARNING. This article is a possible trigger for females who suffer from betrayal trauma.

As a therapist in my own recovery, I see this pattern often while working with individuals and couples. I see narcissistic men and codependent women who are victims of a male narcissist. Now this isn’t wrong, and oftentimes true. However, it is my observation that woman can be narcissists as well, and I believe that number is growing.

In my opinion, the female narcissist has been overlooked and ignored for far too long. Richard Grannon with Spartan Coaching does a great job talking about this taboo topic that the recovery world needs to address. Now, female narcissist behaviors can look much like male narcissists behaviors, as I have written in my previous blog “Narcissism in a Pimp Culture.”

Loyalty and trust go only one way. They do not need to be loyal to you, but you better be loyal to them. You need to trust them without question; but if you question them about even small matters, you will lose their trust. Loyalty and trust will most likely never be restored.

The double standard you observe is only in your imagination. They treat you like an object and cannot connect in the relationship deeply or for long periods of time. They can appear to connect acutely in the short term.

They will say they love you, which they may love you as an object or a thing, not as a person. Their love is conditional in regard to what you can do for them. Their love mentality is a give to get versus give to give. They appear generous, but this is usually out of abundance, not out of sacrifice.

They are generally charismatic, likeable, and flattering. They oftentimes don’t really mean what they say. They will easily “forget” promises they made or their own words that are contrary to their current behavior.

They use others to build themselves up. They are not teachable or feel entitled to everything. They exaggerate their accomplishments or promote themselves more than being promoted by others. They will accuse, blame, and criticize you for imagined offenses. They appear confident but are extremely insecure when questioned. They are codependent, looking for affirmation and praise for things they have accomplished.

In her book Return to Love, Marriane Williamson explains another level of narcissism in her chapter on relationships and why they often fail. “The narcissistic personality is looking for perfection, which is a way of making sure that love never has a chance to blossom…As soon as the other person is seen to be a real human being, the ego is repelled and wants to find somewhere else to play.”

I would add that the person will go and find someone else to play with to fit their fantasy of the perfect partner. You see, perfectionism is a form of narcissism. Are you getting this? Let me say it another way. When you demand perfectionism from others, it is about your own narcissism. The need to fit your partner into a box regarding how they should look, act, treat you, behave, etc. is all about control.

Ego loves perfectionism. It convinces you that you are perfect and that those who have hurt you or betrayed you are not, and therefore, unloveable. This is not about them but about your own feelings, thoughts, and core beliefs of having to be perfect to be loved. If you are not perfect, you are unlovable. You cannot live there, so you project this onto your partner, so you are okay and always justified in not changing.

Furthermore, this is true for the narcissist. Acceptance of any responsibility would mean they are imperfect, which would require change and that would take responsibility. A narcissist cannot and will not live in this realization and will never live in such truth as this does not compute and creates cognitive dissonance and a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Perfect people do not need to change or take any responsibility.

The problem is that this is not love. This is manipulation and control. I see this consistently in our practice when working with sex addiction, infidelity, and intimacy anorexia. Now betrayal and the trauma it causes is very real. Healing and restoring trust will take significant, positive, consistent behavior over time. This is why we initiate the polygraph test to establish a baseline of what is and is not true regarding the addict’s behavior and what has occurred.

The sex addict, which in most cases is the male, did many unloving things and is guilty and needs to take full responsibility. His behaviors were most often selfish and narcissist in nature. He may also be an intimacy anorexic. I would say not all intimacy anorexics are narcissists, but all narcissists are intimacy anorexics. Most likely, both are suffering from untreated and undiagnosed complex PTSD.

Do you or your partner struggle with CPTSD? Have you ever taken an assessment for CPTSD? This is not to be confused with PTSD. Take the assessment today.

Next week, we look at delusional or thought disorders and how they also have gone undiagnosed and detected.

Sources: youtube.com Surviving Female Narcissism A Deconstruction by @RichardGrannon; “Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.