The Gender War

If you take the Red Pill, I will show you how deep the Rabbit Hole goes… -Morpheus

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were watching Married at First Sight, Season 17. This season was recorded here in Denver, Colorado. You may not be familiar with the reality television series that has become popular. The idea is that a panel of “experts” review and match potential candidates to be married for four weeks, based on background checks, third-party evaluations and interviews in hopes of a better chance at remaining married. It is often referred to as “the experiment,” which is a legally binding marriage. Its success rate is about 15 percent at best, which means its failure rate is… 85 percent or more!

This particular season, it appeared to start well but became one of the most toxic seasons…ever. Not one couple remained married after the season. No one was willing to compromise. Egos were very large and in charge. It became a war of men versus women. In the end, experts, players, and fans were exhausted and frustrated.

The women blamed the men for being dishonest in front of the camera and being different off camera in private. The men were “playing games” by trying to change the rules of “the experiment” by not being fully transparent. The experiment evolved after seventeen seasons, and the players, sellers or buyers have become smarter by trying to tip the scales in their favor in the sexual marketplace on camera.

The men blamed the women for not taking responsibility for their behaviors and changing the narrative on the camera. He said, she said. Both had valid points. Yet, there was so much confusion and misinformation. In the end, egos won and all relationships lost.

The genders appear to be drifting and pushing each other further apart.

What is going on? Is this an accurate depiction of the mating and dating game today? Unfortunately, I agree that it is. I do think it is a small sample of the larger dating pool today. The research and evidence have sociologists concerned. Men and women are having less sex, less often. In most modern countries, the birth rates are declining significantly. Countries with aging populations and a small workforce create unsustainable vulnerabilities.

Both need to get back to their gender roles for the marketplace to work. Women need to get back into the feminine and men need to get back into their masculine. First, we are going to look at five factors that have changed the culture.

The Social / Culture Shift

Gender politics are about power, identity, and social roles regarding the laws and policies around marriage, divorce, child custody, workplace equality and reproductive rights. Governments, the education system, Hollywood, news, media and religions have indoctrinated the masses with generations of polarizing propaganda of fear and scarcity The feminist movement and men’s rights movements are on the front lines of these debates.
The shift in roles and expectations have changed, as couples have been forced to be two-income households to make ends meet due to inflation. Men have become feminized and demonized for being men. Women have taken on masculine roles in the workplace. Work and family life can become out of balance quickly.
Social media and dating apps give the appearance of endless options; however, with so many dating options on a global scale, there appears to be no options creating a paralysis of analysis, swiping to the next the endless “option.” This is known as the gamification of dating.
This has created a distortion of reality, as it inflates and convinces the ego that you deserve better, more, faster without the reality of what it is going to cost you and what the sexual marketplace will support. As we saw in our previous blog on SMV, the sellers and buyers are no longer communicating and only getting further apart on the sale price.
Society has a declining mental, relational, sexual and spiritual health moving away from family first to “I,” “my,” “me,” first, “speaking my truth,” “get mine,” and relativity models away from serving others and loving our neighbors.

Men’s Complaints about Women

Lack of Appreciation and Respect for being the financial provider, or spiritual leader.
1. “She only wants me for my money.”
2. “It’s her way or the highway.”
3. “You are doing it wrong.”
4. Women being hypergamous.
Negative Portrayal of Masculinity
1. The tagline and labels of “toxic masculinity” or misogyny is used to demonize men as “narcissistic.”
2. Male wants and needs being stigmatized and minimized.
Feeling Sexually and Emotionally Unwanted
1. When he withholds sex and feelings, he is being avoidant or an intimacy anorexic and controlling.
2. When he initiates sex or expresses his feelings he is being too needy and controlling.
3. She rarely / never initiates touch or sex.
Workplace and Education Disparities
1. Ninety to ninety-nine percent of dangerous and deadly jobs are worked by men.
2. More women than men are now graduating from college.
Being Tuned Out, Ignored, or Unheard
1. Young men feel ignored and unseen.
2. Married men feel they are not allowed peace or rest.
3. She is not safe to share his feelings as evidenced by her past reactions.
4. Women focusing on children, pets, career, home Improvements over them.
5. Never being or having enough and always wanting more.
Divorce and Family Court Laws Benefit Women
1. Men are not given equal weight as caregivers.
2. Claims and accusations can be presented against men as fact without evidence.
3. History in family court supports fem-centrism, as women are not being held accountable or responsible legally or ethically.
4. Men are financially forced to provide “child support” which is rarely spent on the children as well as in many cases a lifetime of alimony to be paid to the ex-wife.

Women’s Complaints about Men

Unequal Distribution of Chores and Responsibility in the Home.
1. In dual income households, women feel they shoulder the majority of domestic work and childcare.
2. Women feel resentment having to carry the “mental load” of planning meals, scheduling and remembering tasks.
3. Men are unwilling or unable to lead so women are forced into the masculine role.
Lack of Emotional Connection and Presence
1. Women think men are unable to open-up emotionally or communicate their feelings.
2. Men are too busy being checked out with their video games, career, hobbies, etc.
Feeling Sexually Invisible
1. Women cannot compete with pornography alongside the risk of infidelity; therefore, they do not fully trust him.
2. Men are not creating emotional safety to be able to be physical.
Being Dismissed or Called “Crazy”
1. Women being label by men as “crazy,” “controlling,” and “never happy”.
2. Women have noticed men are “lost boys” with no direction or purpose.
3. Her opinion and concerns are dismissed.
Not Being Given Enough Attention
1. “He is physically here but emotionally checked out.”
2. Women feel no emotional intimacy but are expected to give physical intimacy.
Women feel forced to give sex to compete in the sexual marketplace
1. “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” This is no longer true. Free milk is in abundance now, so young women feel they must give sex because if they do not, someone else will.
2. Men are unwilling to commit if they do not give him sex ASAP.
3. Men want the benefits of casual sex without the long-term responsibility.

Regardless, if you agree or not, as we can see how both feel the other is falling short of expectations, both incorrectly think the other has it “easier” and is being “cheated” and treated unfairly. The ego LOVES fairness and justice…according to its own perspective.

The clash comes from generations of changing gender roles in the name of fairness. Women are told to be independent and ambitious. Men are uncertain now how to show up with this role shift; expected to be men and yet not be demonized for being masculine.

One thing is clear. Both are unhappy. Remember, no one will EVER make you happy. Happiness and joy comes from INSIDE you only, regardless what your partner does or does not do.

So why are women so unhappy and filing divorce 80 percent of the time in marriage? Some believe the single biggest cause of divorce and women being single is other single or widowed women convincing them to become or stay single. Now, I am not promoting women to stay in physical abusive relationships when they are not provoking it any more than I would encourage a man to stay with a woman who is being physically or verbally abusive.

However, women need to understand men find themselves in a reality of contradiction of a woman’s words versus a woman’s behaviors. This war often only begins after the wedding.

Contradictions and Statements Men Experience from Anxious / Fearful Women:

We don’t have enough money. Those five packages from Amazon today are all things I need.
You need to work a second job to provide more. Why should I do extra around the house?
You work too much and are never home. You need to make more time for me.
You are too busy. Why are you laying down and resting?
I can go out when I want to with my friends. You can’t tell me “no,” you are so controlling.
Yes, we have a nice home and live well. I have lost all respect for you.
You’re emotionally unavailable and never share your feelings. You really do not feel that way.
I want you to be vulnerable. You are being vulnerable is a turn off and makes you look weak.
Why don’t you tell me what you are thinking? How can you even think or believe that?
You said ___________, but you really mean or intend _________.
You never take me out anymore. I don’t want to do that.
You never initiate sex with me anymore. You are being too loud; are you done yet?
Are you going to sit there and let me struggle or help me? You are not doing it right; I will just do it myself.
Are you going to talk to and discipline our children? That is not what I meant, you did it wrong.
You are just no fun anymore. No, you can’t go golfing, fishing or hunting with your friends.

“Cory, you are being biased against women, you are a misogynist!” I disagree; I am bringing balance and awareness to an issue that has been out of balance for several decades. I know un-learning is very difficult. Both genders need to take responsibility for their mistakes, which will be hard. We are at a point in our culture that individually we need to do our part and promote unity. Fighting is hard, promoting peace and love is hard. So, choose your hard. There must be a better way. Together, we can figure it out and succeed where our parents failed.

As a father, one of my greatest accomplishments has been teaching my daughters to take care of themselves and how a man should treat a woman. My greatest failure has been NOT teaching my daughters how a woman should treat a man.

Still do not believe there is a gender war? Take some time and really listen to what Cassie Jaye a self-proclaimed feminist and what she discovers in her documentary, The Red Pill; Men’s Rights Documentary. This documentary premiered October 7, 2016; nine years ago. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7MkSpJk5tM also check out her short Tedx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WMuzhQXJoY .

Like any market, I believe the sexual marketplace will eventually correct itself, but it will take some time. There is hope. In the meantime, a war is raging with egos winning but there will be casualties.

The factual information is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but it does not mean it is wrong. Again, the facts do not care about your feelings. The rabbit hole is deep. In our next blog, we are going to look at some of the data and numbers.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.