The Mating & Dating Game

Why buy the cow when the milk is free? – Historical Idiom

In the last two blogs, we have begun to look at the theory of the sexual marketplace and an individual’s sexual market value, SMV. In this blog, we are going to look at specific behaviors the “seller” and the “buyer” participate in. Taraban also refers to this as “givers” and “wanters” who participate.

As I previously mentioned, the person with the most power is the one that can walk away from the table or needs the other the least. There are other ways participants gain power such as having more options than the other.

Power is gained if one is more willing to sacrifice their own assets in the trade and take a loss.
Power comes from an individual’s willingness to change and adjust old attitudes, rules or beliefs that they once held, which are no longer serving them well. This makes them more flexible and able to embrace change quickly, letting go of control or an attachment to an outcome.
Power comes from not being controlled by their emotions.
Power comes from being more knowledgeable about what the other wants; how they think, their likes / dislikes, and how they operate.
Finally, power comes from the knowledge about what the other person does NOT want.

The challenge with people and relationships is that it is complex. People want what they want. However, the other person may not want them back or desire to participate within the sexual marketplace. An offer may be given but can easily be rejected. Want, desire, passion, and attraction are complex things of the heart and very difficult to understand, measure, or quantify between a “giver” and the “wanter”. The heart wants what the heart wants…right?

The game is simple between the “giver” and “wanter”. The default answer is always “no.” The game is to get the other person you want something from in the posture of “no” to the position of “yes.” Often, deception occurs from both players. The longer deception goes unrecognized the better your advantage. We are going to look at the strategies most often used in the mating and dating game as identified by Taraban.

Strategies

Intimidation is about creating a threat to harm to obtain a desired outcome. It is forceful, like that of a bully using threats that may be emotional or even physical. The use of fear to coerce.
Seduction carries the hope most often of a sexual encounter by either gender by manipulating the other person’s desires.
Pity is about making the other feel unworthy, desperate, and insignificant, making them beg or grovel.
Victimization is about reacting to the other person and how they have been harmed by them with projected accusation, blame, and criticism.
Surprise occurs with an unexpected behavior or statement that may be so shocking and out of the norm that it causes confusion in the other person’s awareness and senses.
Friendliness creates warmth, equality, closeness, and acceptance, which makes it easier to exchange goods and services.
Straightforwardness is about facts, not feelings, and getting to the request quickly and directly.
Humiliation uses the other person’s shame that has compromised themselves by forcing another to comply.
Charm uses charisma the individual has and the hope of sharing it with the other person as well as being a part of the experience.
Authority uses the imbalance of power and the expectation of obedience to submit and follow seeking their approval to not disappoint them.
Playfulness creates a game within the game. It uses humor, “I was joking.” “No” may not mean “NO,” but “chase me, and catch me.” “Yes,” may not mean “yes,” but “NO!”
Quitting occurs when a player cannot change a “no” answer to a “yes” and has a history of failed attempts. Due to time and effort, the “juice is not worth the squeeze” anymore.

You probably noticed how many of these seem manipulative and destructive. I would agree with you. This seems scary and dangerous. This may explain the state of western relationships.

Should a person be too available or not available enough?

Should a person respond to messages quickly or wait a few days to continue to play along with the game?

Is it worth taking your SMV into the marketplace?

What other factors are in play?

Like it or not, we now are beginning to understand how strategies of the mating and dating game work in the sexual marketplace. Is it just our nature for men and women to play the game like this? Or has our society created the sexual culture we live in today? How do we, and can we learn from the mistakes of generations before us? This now leads us to our next topic of conversation. We need to talk about the hot topic of hypergamy. But we will cover that in the next blog.

Source: The Value of Others by Orion Taraban Psy.D.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.