I am always taking mental notes regarding patterns of issues that brings couples to our office. Many shop around for a therapist like they shop for a new cell phone, looking for the highest quality product at the best price. Some couples have spent hundreds or thousands of dollars on therapy over the course of their marriage. They have worked with dozens of therapists and completed different programs yet continue to experience the same problems. I have been therapist number 25 or even 30. For others, I have been their first therapist and still see this same pattern and problem when it comes to marriage counseling.
In therapy, I know we teach not to use the words always or never. Regardless, if I have been the couple’s first therapist or thirtieth, the theme is clear. The reason the couple is struggling and not becoming healthier is that one or both still have a secret.
In every couple I have ever worked with once the secret was disclosed, the marriage generally improves. This secret can be small, or it can be earth shattering. The issue is creating some sort of shame for the client and is holding them in a prison of their own making. The secret could be something that happened to them as a little boy or girl before they met their spouse. It could be an abuse they experienced, a fetish, an embarrassing habit, or an affair.
The person with the secret usually has a story their super ego is telling them, which has them convinced will indeed happen if their partner every knew this shameful secret. That voice in their head is telling them their partner will become angry with them, leave them, reject them, abandon them, or no longer love them, etc.
The super ego and ego are experts at keeping the person separated from others and keeping the person in a relationship with itself. This voice of denial, minimization, magnification, rationalization, justification, and accusations are a few of the methods used to keep the person in prison.
Yet, in most every case, this has never happened. In fact, the opposite happens in that it draws the partner toward the one who held the secret. Taking the risk of vulnerability is rewarded with connection, not further separation. The partner loves them even more. The one with the secret usually experiences tremendous relief, release, and the revelation that what the voice was telling them was a lie.
Secrets are not gender specific. There is a cultural assumption that men lie more than women. I have written in previous blogs and acknowledge the ways and reasons in which men lie. However, women lie too, just differently. Regardless the person with the lie or secret usually carries a tremendous amount of shame, which is usually only warranted by the one holding the secret.
Most partners have compassion, love, and forgiveness for the person who has been tormented by the secret. I have never witnessed a partner reject or abandon the one sharing the secret. It is the lying most partners cannot handle, not the information of what happened to them or what they have done. If the secrecy or lying returns, this is what ultimately can destroy the relationship, not the information of what they did.
Far too many clients have reported to me that their pastor, priest, or previous therapist informed them not to share such things with their partner. I have never seen this end well. This is foolish advice.
At Transformed Hearts, approximately 80 percent of our couples implement and use the polygraph as part of their recovery process in restoring trust. Some think a polygraph is extreme, but the results speak for themselves when it comes to restoration.
The secret to a successful relationship with your significant other is that there can be no secrets.
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
