The Verbally Abusive Partner

Hurt people, hurt people. Abused and neglected children grow up as children do and become adults. They do not intend to; but often as adults, they attract a partner, start a family, and repeat the cycle of disfunction.

A person does not need to be identified, labeled, or diagnosed with an addiction, anger problem, mood, personality, or thought disorder to be abusive. In fact, most partner relationships at some point will experience verbal abuse from their partner. The abuse may be acute or chronic, mild to severe. This is not a witch hunt to blame your partner. Verbal abuse is not gender specific, as both are responsible for these behaviors. Verbal abuse is not exclusive to addicts only, as non-addict partners can be just as verbally abusive.

This is seen in The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evan. She describes five levels of verbal abuse. The following is a small summary.

Level 1 is about denial and avoidance. “That did not happen. I don’t know what you are talking about. It was nothing.”
Level 2 covers name calling and an addiction to anger or what I would call negative emotions. “You are a control freak. You are such ___! You are a _____!”
Level 3 includes giving orders, threats, or using intimidation. “It’s my way or the highway. If you don’t do ___, I will not do _____. I will get angry if you ____.”
Level 4 is the use of attacking to undermine the other. “Do you love me? If you did, you wouldn’t do _____ to me. Do you know how that makes me feel? You always need to be right and win.”
Level 5 is the highest and considered the most verbally abusive is the nonverbal act of withholding and withdrawing also known as shunning. We call this intimacy anorexia or an avoidant type. The silent treatment is given. “What do you want me to say? I am wrong if I do, wrong if I don’t. I am sorry.”

Now, maybe you can understand why the identified client and their partner are both often guilty of verbal abuse. As we have learned in my previous blog about shame-based parenting, if you are in a verbally abusive relationship, you will notice similar language to how you were parented.

Passive Language:

Don’t you love me?
Don’t you care about this relationship anymore?
Don’t you understand me?
Why do you always hurt me?
Why can’t you understand how you hurt me?
Why can’t you have an adult conversation with me?
Is this the way you want to make me feel?
Why do you think I am angry with you?

Aggressive Language:

If you really loved me, you would do this for me.
I am so disappointed in you.
You are never there for me.
I cannot count on you.
It is always about you.
You are never going to change.
You are so selfish.
You act like such a child.
When are you going to grow up?
I hate you.

Regardless of how either responds, both oftentimes feel trapped in a no-win situation or what is called a double-bind relationship. So how does a couple struggling in this cycle break free?

Kreisman and Straus in their book, I hate you—Don’t Leave Me, do a great job helping the reader understand themselves, their partner, and these situations.

They explain the SET-UP:

Support: The key is using I-statements of concern. “I am sincerely worried about how you are feeling.” “I am concerned about what you are dealing with.” “I am here and listening.” “I want to help.”

Empathy: Next is using You-Statements. “How awful you must feel.” “This must be difficult for you.” “You must be desperate to want to do this.” “It’s hard to imagine what you must be going through.”

Truth: Next, we want to emphasize the person we are trying to help is ultimately responsible for their own behaviors and accountable for their life choices. Others trying to help them cannot and will not preempt this truth. These statements acknowledge the problem and what can be done to solve it. “What do you want to do to change this situation?” “What can I do to support you?” “Do you want my support?”

Understanding: “I recognize how bad you are feeling. I see you are suffering. I know you said if I do not care, I should just leave you alone. If I do care, I would allow you to destroy yourself. There is a part of you that wants to give up, AND a part of you that does not want to give up. It is this second part of you that I must respond to and help. Therefore, we are going to get help or do ______.”

Perseverance: It is going to take tremendous, consistent perseverance on your part to show them with your words and behavior. You will not be able to do this alone. You will need the help of specialized support groups, therapists, doctors, or trained professionals for yourself and them.

Now, this is a very condensed version and is by no means by reading this blog going to fix your situation. However, I hope it piques your interest to get these resources and continue to learn.

Ramni Dirvasula Ph.D. in her book, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, gives one of the most objective and honest approaches that I have read if you are in an abusive relationship. She helps the reader understand the abuser, abused giving solid and objective steps if you choose to stay or leave your relationship as well as the real consequences of both.

These resources generally encourage you to take care of and change the person in the mirror first, as you will never change your partner. Be the change you want others to be.

Now, all my reading, research, and writing has led me to rethink things. Let’s go deeper. Are we confusing verbal abuse, narcissism, and borderline personality disorders without understanding attachment theory? Perhaps we need to rediscover attachment theory. We will look at this in our next blog.

Resources: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Should I Stay or Should I go? by Ramani Durvasula Ph.D, I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me by Kriesman M.D. & Straus

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.