Three Types of Intimacy Anorexia- A New Paradigm

Change is constant. It is amazing to me how quickly technology (such as computers, communications, the internet, manufacturing, cars, medicine, science and even sports) has changed in my lifetime. Generally, these advances improve quality of life. I have noticed, however, how little the educational system, government, and mental health have changed. In fact, I would state that they have failed to keep up.

How can we do better serve our clients in counseling and addiction recovery? Why are divorce rates higher than ever? Why are there so many questions and so few answers? Why is change so difficult to obtain and maintain?

In my pursuit of learning as well as the hunger to develop and grow the mental health field personally for my recovery and professionally for my client’s recovery, I continue to think outside of the box. There have been great strides made in the area of mental health, energy healing, and energy psychology; but the application and practice of them has been severely delayed. There is great evidenced-based research that I have shared in my blogs and cited sources from Brene Brown, Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, Pete Walker, Sam Vakin, Richard Grannon and Joe Dispenza, just to name a few that are changing the face of mental health.

At Transformed Hearts, we believe we are pioneers in learning, practicing, and applying cutting-edge ideas – not to work harder but smarter and more efficient – in the healing process. We do not believe in the victimized-women and shamed-men model of recovery https://www.transformedhearts.com/victimized-women-shamed-men/. This model only keeps couples and individuals permanently stuck.

We believe that not all intimacy anorexics are anorexic to be mean, hateful, unloving, gaslighting psychopaths. Their partners are not perpetual innocent victims of trauma either. The science is showing that we are not wrong in our approach.

There is more to learn and more to understand what is going on. We believe that both can suffer undiagnosed childhood trauma or neglect, anxiety, depression, or attachment issues from their upbringing.

The following is a developing idea, an exploration to improve our understanding of intimacy anorexia to think outside the box. Let’s begin to have a conversation on this issue that needs to be addressed in sex addiction recovery and intimacy issues. To better understand this blog, you may want to read previous blog posts on the Ego, complex PTSD, intimacy anorexia and narcissism.

In mental health, the nature-nurture debate continues. Did environment and genetics cause this? Or did the nurturing, or lack of nurturing, become the primary cause?

Some may argue that this is just attachment theory, so what is the big deal? Like any problem, dysfunction, disorder, virus, there are different variants and different variant combinations. Each variant has different origins, and therefore, different treatment solutions.

Let’s look at 3 other types, or possible catalysts, for intimacy anorexia.

Id – The Inner Child (Attachment Disorders-RAD, Aspersers, Autism Spectrum)

An intimacy anorexic with Type 1 has an inner child wound or childhood attachment issues generally from neglect (not getting their basic needs met such as food, shelter, clothing, attention, love, boundaries, social skills etc.) These needs and skills were not taught or modeled to the child. Oftentimes, the parenting style was that of guilt and/or shame based. In severe cases, the child is placed in a double bind by the parent by being told what to do and then being questioned why they did the very task they were directed to complete, aka gaslighting. This is also abusive, which is the other side of the same coin as neglect. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or religious, etc. Most of these children are now adult children of untreated parents who were drug addicts, alcoholics, intimacy anorexics, sex addicts, codependents, or had general compulsive disorders.

Treatment options: EMDR, CBT, NET, Narrative Therapy, Anger Work, Splankna, Group Support, Diet Changes, Gut Health, Gut/Brain Connection. Allow the inner child to be seen and heard. This is the child, playful part of us, that wants to have fun. Go discover new things you have never tried before or were told that you could not do.

Related blogs:

Ego – Wounded Adult (Personality Disorders Axis II, Borderline, Narcissism Victimized Offended Spectrum)

An intimacy anorexic in Type 2 is perhaps the most difficult to treat. Medication is generally not effective or helpful, as this is a personality disorder, not a mood disorder. Ego has the person convinced that it is them against everyone else. The person is generally emotionally driven, easily offended, quick to judge, not teachable or entitled. It is not that the person cannot or will never change or get better. Until they are teachable or come out of entitlement, they will not be ready. When they reach the end of themselves, they are generally eager to get to work and do very well.

Treatment Options: Time and patience. A well-seasoned clinician. DBT, EMDR, CBT, Biofeedback, Neurofeedback, or Specialized Support Groups. Begin to understand that this type has an addiction to being offended.

Related blogs:

Super Ego – The Critical Parent: (Anxiety, Depression, Complex PTSD, Trauma Spectrum)

The intimacy anorexic with Type 3 struggles with anxiety and depression. Some medications or vitamin and mineral supplements may be helpful. This is the voice in your head that is always putting your ego and id down. It accuses, blames, and criticizes you endlessly. That is why we call it the critical parent. The intimacy anorexic with this type struggles with what I call not just confidence but God-fidence, not knowing that they are divine, sovereign, and powerful beings. It will take tremendous work to quiet the critical parent voice, but there is tremendous freedom once you do.

Treatment Options: Self-care practices, Diet, Exercise, Hobbies, Healing the Super Ego, Meditation Practices, EMDR, CBT, Gut Health, and Gut/Brain Connection.

Related blogs:

Generally, the adult struggling with intimacy anorexia has a neglected or abused inner child or suffers from Type 1. Once they heal that part of themselves, they become healthier. However, many intimacy anorexics also have a combination of Type 2 and/or Type 3. These are the fragmented parts of the intimacy anorexic psyche. However, as all three are treated, loved, and healed; the person can experience integration, wholeness, peace, and oneness, allowing them to have a high quality of life and relationships.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.