Trust vs. Safety

This is the third blog of our series on communication. We previously learned how people process their thoughts and feelings externally with their words verbally; oftentimes, they meet and fall in love with internal, nonverbal processors who are great listeners. Most importantly, it is the inability to identify and name ANXIETY and then express, emote it in a healthy way. Call it stress, worry, fear, feeling overwhelmed, trapped, constricted, or suffocated. It is everywhere all the time.

Dereck and Jen are in my office. It has been 2 years since they had sex.

When working with couples, I ask about trust. “On a scale of 1-10, how would you score your trust toward your partner with 10 being I trust my partner 100%. If it is lower, what would the score be and in what area: fidelity, money, doing what they said they are going to do, parenting, or in regard to your thoughts or feelings?”

Most often, women will score trust around a 3-4 due to infidelity or his porn addiction. The man will score trust around a 2-3 with sharing his thoughts and feelings with her. Neither feel safe. Both are right and justified in not feeling safe enough to trust the other.

Dereck struggles with porn and has a history of connecting emotionally with other women more than Jen. Jen loses control of her emotions and has a history of raging at Dereck for his inability to share his thoughts and feelings. When he does, she shames him for thinking for feeling that way.

She screams “I DO NOT TRUST YOU!” He yells back “YOU ARE NOT SAFE!”

She feels that he gaslights her, and he feels she verbally abuses him; …and they are both right.

Jen’s ego is attached to what a husband should or should not be and how she should be treated, loved, and pursued. She is not wrong.

Dereck’s ego is attached to the idea that a wife should be a safe person to share his thoughts and feelings without being judged or shamed for them. He is not wrong either.

Ego wins, the relationship loses. Anxiety grows. Both feel trapped.

As a typical couple, he is expected to continue to make enough money to maintain the lifestyle the family is accustomed to. As the expectations of earning rise, the frequency of sex often declines. It does not have to be this way, but it is the way of many committed relationships and marriages. Read here to understand the conflict between money, sex and love.

She does not feel loved. He does not feel respected. Both operating systems in the nervous system are on full alert in their codependent blame-fault system. Again, both are not wrong. Ego wins, the relationship loses. Anxiety and tension increases.

Let me be clear, this is not about the woke generation and “safe space” or “place” on a college campus.

The body is an amazing thing and stores emotions meta-physically in your body. For example, the liver stores anger. Alcoholics often die of liver failure. Have you ever heard of the “raging alcoholic?” We unknowingly use the expression “I love you with all of my…heart.” The heart stores the feeling of love. Trust is an interesting one. Trust is stored in the penis and vagina. So when trust is broken, one or both partners do not feel safe. Most often they are no longer having sex, as the body will most often not allow it.

Ever wonder why “makeup sex” is so amazing? Most often it is because forgiveness has occurred. The heart is full of love, and trust has been restored for the penis and vagina to fully engage as it is now… safe.

Relationships, as well as the cycle of life, is about giving and receiving. You take a breath in, and you let the breath out. Men long to release, women long to be filled. The masculine cannot exist without the feminine. Love is about giving and receiving. Light needs the dark, up has a down, left has a right, positive needs negative. Love is a magnet, a battery if you will. Rhythms are everywhere, and relationships are no different.

When triggered and negative emotions are flying, communication is dying. This is not a communication problem. Again, this is an emotional regulation problem. Identifying what you are feeling, where you are feeling it in your body, and then learning how to verbalize it in a healthy way is the goal. Most of us have never been taught this. Generally, the overwhelming feeling that begins this process is our feelings of stress and anxiety.

Most often, two unhealthy people addicted to their emotions is what drives their perception of reality. For most, reality is what I say it is. So, I have two people living in verbal reality. Yet each experiences the other’s reality. The reality of the carnage the behavior of the partner has caused the relationship and the kids.

We are in a standoff. Guns blazing between the two. Who wins? Who loses?

Ego wins if they choose to stay in this cycle. The relationship will lose over and over, yet expecting a different outcome, which is insane! Are you getting this yet? The enemy is anxiety.

The only way out is to put the guns down is to take responsibility for your own faults. Seek forgiveness and stop accusing, blaming, and criticizing the other person. To do this, both parties will need to experience egoic death; the old operating system of self-righteousness and the attachment to outcomes of what is “right” will need to be removed, even “burned out.” Then, you must replace these with healthier alternatives. One which lives with a heart of love and has gratitude for all things “good” and “bad.” Understanding my partner is mirroring what I need to work on.

Let’s start being teammates against egoic attachments which cause anxiety.

Is it easy? Absolutely not.

If it was, I would be out of business. It’s hard.

Marriage is hard, divorce is hard. Being in debt is hard, being financially responsible is hard. Hating someone is hard, forgiving someone is hard. Being a parent is hard, not being able to have kids is hard. Being fit is hard, being obese is hard. Having a job is hard, being unemployed is hard. Being a man is hard. Being a woman is hard. Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Everything in this life is hard! You will need to choose. Not choosing is still a choice.

In our next blog, we will look at the biggest hurdle in the way of forgiveness and restoration of the relationship.

[Spoiler alert] I will tell you.

It is narcissism, but it is not what you might think.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.