When Perfect Women Marry Imperfect Men

While working with couples struggling with intimacy and addition issues, there are many patterns I have observed. I have written blogs about forgiveness, addictions, intimacy issues, unconditional love, ego, codependency, being offended, passive men being married to assertive women, how sex, money, and love become imbalanced after marriage, the mythos of Narcissus and Echo, how narcissism manifest in men as well as in women, how both genders lie, manipulate, control, and finally, how both can become addicted to their negative emotions and unhealthy patterns.

Another pattern I have seen in working with couples, including men’s and women’s support groups, is a pattern of intimacy anorexic men who have a very strong belief that they need to be perfect to be loved. Inside, they know they are imperfect on the inside, struggling with shame from their past behaviors. On the outside, they strive to look and act perfect. They exhibit narcissistic qualities.

As I have written in previous blogs, male narcissism is usually about loyalty. “You need to be loyal to me, I do not need to be loyal to you.” Remember, the male narcissist is a bottomless pit of need. They need outside affirmation and validation.

These men often marry attractive, motivated, type A, OCD, or perfectionistic women. On the outside, these women are often accomplished, driven, leaders in their community, involved in politics with Ph.D.s or MDs. They appear very confident on the outside. However, they are usually insecure on the inside.

Remember, perfectionism is a form of narcissism. Female narcissists also emphasize loyalty like men; however, more often than not, a real indicator of a female narcissist is perfectionism. This includes nice things, keeping things in order, physical beauty as well as having strong opinions about how their partner and children should look, speak, dress, think, feel, believe, and act.

Now, I am not saying any of these character traits are “good” or “bad.” I am pointing out an observation to gain awareness and understanding to empower you to make changes if you choose to do so.

Understand, I am using the words “imperfect” and “perfect” loosely to make a point. Striving for perfectionism is usually an indicator the person is struggling with shame. Imperfect can also mean wrong, false, incomplete, or even sinful. Perfect can also mean right, correct, complete, thorough, or even holy.

Now, this type of union creates the perfect storm for a couple once married. Both, in their codependency, need what the other has which is to reinforce the beliefs they have about themselves. Both live outside-in, needing the unconscious validation of the other. He believes he needs to be perfect to be loved. She believes If she is perfect enough on the outside, no one can criticize her. Both believing this, then makes them “loveable.” Both have made themselves up from the outside in.

Where does this come from? Most often, this has helped both survive their childhoods.

Now married, this creates an ugly sick system, aka codependency. For the intimacy anorexic, he is trapped by having to be perfect; and anything short of this, means he is not loveable. Therefore, he never feels safe to share his weakness, differences of opinion, flaws, or shortcomings. For her, she defined herself by his opinion of her as well as his definition of her. She feels obligated to have his permission to take any action in personal or professional matters. She can earn love by abdicating to his wishes… perfectly. She will often betray herself which creates resentment toward him.

Individually, they struggle with their beliefs about themselves and desire each think well of one another. Both are trying to be what the other thinks they need to be in order to be loved by their partner. The appearance of being different or imperfect by either is threatening to each of them. Both egos take a toll, as it emphasizes what is “right” and what is “wrong.” Because both live outside-in, meaning the opinions and beliefs of others about them deeply impacts what they believe about themselves being “wrong,” their whole inner essence is “wrong” and, therefore, imperfect and needs to be corrected, made “right” or perfect. Unfortunately, anything from outside of themselves will never satisfy.

This is why the ego of both will argue, blame, and defend themselves to be right. They desire to one-up the other and are driven by the need to “win.” However, if ego wins, the relationship will always lose.

Usually, both individuals have valid points with evidence and examples to support their conclusions and perceptions. Both are right; however, both are miserable, as they are not free. I tell couples all the time, “You are right. However, you can choose to be right, or you can choose to be free.”

The only way out is to move to inside-out living. Each individual needs to begin to forgive and love themselves through the past hurts and traumas they have done to themselves as well as what they have done to others. This requires letting go of their addiction to negative emotions and memories of the past. They will need to forgive and let go of offenses done to them by their partner and others. This is very difficult, as I have written about in the past (Are you Addicted to Acidic Emotions?).

Most people cannot think beyond how they feel. Most people do not know the difference between a thought or an emotion. Remember, not every negative emotion or thought you have is true or accurate. In fact, most are false.

Change takes tremendous unlearning, as it will only come from inside themselves. Their connection and need for healing and validation should come from God, Source, All, or their Higher Power.

For many, this is the first time in their lives they have sought validation, affirmation, or love from within themselves. It is tremendously unfamiliar and will feel “wrong.” It is not wrong; it is just unfamiliar. I assure you this is the first step to become unlimited. (Read Becoming Conscious, Steps to Become Unlimited).

Your imperfect partner is just a mirror showing what you need to work on. Be grateful for the opportunity to change and grow. As you begin to love yourself from the inside-out, without judgement or ego, you will begin to create and manifest the perfect relationship you always wanted.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.