Why is Unlearning so Difficult?

One of the very first things I share with clients as we begin working together is that the most difficult thing about recovery and change is not learning new things. Learning new things is easy. Unlearning old patterns, habits, lifestyles, ways of thinking, feeling and behaving is much more difficult.

This is also known as becoming aware of consciousness, as we learned in the previous blog. Unlearning is about letting go, rejecting old information, paradigms, programming, beliefs, etc. and is tremendously difficult. As you begin to question everything you thought to be real or true, you are going to scare a lot of people around you. It will appear threatening to them. This is very uncomfortable, especially when it comes to political, religious, and scientific paradigms. In recovery, we call this a spiritual awakening. Most, if not the large majority of the world population, do not have the courage or fortitude to do this.

But why and what are other reasons change can be so difficult?

One of the main reasons is that our emotions have taken over the way we think which takes over our behaviors. This was discussed in the previous blog on what it means to be conscious. The horse, or your body and its emotions, take over you, the rider.

Dr. Joe Dispenza in his amazing book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, explains Hebbs Law. This is a principle in neuroscience that states “nerve cells that fire together, wire together.” These nerve cells are repeated and activated over time which reinforce over and over “develop a long-term relationship.” This is also referred to as your brain becoming hardwired.

There is a neurochemical relationship between the brain and the body. We create what he calls a “state of being” by thinking certain negative thoughts. The brain creates chemicals that cause you to feel negative feelings which creates more negative thoughts. This creates a continuous cycle or loop. Your negative feelings are now controlling how you think. The body, or the autonomic nervous system, is now in the driver’s seat.

In our recovery program, we talk a lot about the addiction to being offended. Now more than ever, we live in offended, resentful, entitled, and victim culture.

Dr. Dispenza writes: “When feelings become the means of thinking, or if we cannot think greater than how we feel, we can never change. To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.”

Are you getting this? Let me say it this way – you will never change beyond how you feel. You feel the same negative feelings every day in the present that happened in the past, today in this moment, which now is your future. You are living the same day in a loop like the movie Groundhog Day.

For many who have been hurt, mistreated, abused, and disrespected, that one event happened at one moment in time. However, for many of us, we have memorized that moment and relived it thousands of times over the last decade or two. The body has become conditioned. It is now “normal” and takes very little effort to live in this suffering to feel the feelings of the memory. It is you, and you are it. This is who you are, and it is your identity. It is now a habit. The body craves and is now conditioned to the chemicals this behavior provides.

In my opinion, this is why so many people get stuck. In fact, Dr. Dispenza’s research is proof. This is also why Transformed Hearts does not support the victimized-women/shamed-men model of many recovery programs. Most support groups and therapy allow the client to share the memorized loop of trauma, abuse, and neglect over and over again.

This reinforces their unconscious state which only allows the person to remain unchanged. The body is now so conditioned and is being reinforced by the therapist to continue to be negative. This is all the body knows and that is to be offended, unhappy, unkind, bitter, resentful and continue to accuse, blame, and criticize others.

You know what I am talking about. We all know people who – every time you talk to or see them – tell you the same story about who hurt them: when, where, what they were wearing and the feelings the event created. They are great at talking and vomiting but are very poor at listening. They have good ex-sight about what everyone else needs to do to change from politics to religion but very poor in-sight on how to change themselves. They take up all the energy in the room and leave you depleted.

If you do not know anyone like this…perhaps you are that person.

As a child, I had many surgeries. There are horror stories of people being conscious or waking up from the anesthetic while in surgery and experiencing trauma that occurred. I am glad this never happened to me. If an anesthesiologist does their job, this should never happen.

Now, the hypothalamus is much like the anesthesiologist who wants to keep you asleep. The surgery is over, and you want to get on with life and change. The body wants those memorized chemicals, and it does this by reminding you of your negative memories and feelings which make you feel drugged up and numb so you can go back to sleep.

Coming out of surgery and waking up can be unpleasant as you try to keep fluids down, vomit and experience brain fog for some time. There is usually physical therapy for several weeks which is painful. There are times your body is screaming and demanding to be put back to sleep, as it craves those old chemicals. However, you are going to resist and fight it, usually with the support of others.

You are now creating a new state of being that is going to feel very unnatural.

Dr. Dispenza continues: “We are so used to the same chemical order that your new state of being feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar. We want the familiar, the predictable, and what feels natural.”

It is for this reason most never successfully stay in the new state of being as unlearning, rejecting, and questioning the old ways of thinking, feeling, and beliefs feel extremely unfamiliar and unpredictable. Most will choose the predictable, unhealthy bondage lifestyle over the unpredictable, healthy, and life-giving freedom.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.