The Sponsor & Sponsee Relationship

There are no hard, fast rules or handbook on how to be a sponsor or how to be a sponsoree. It is not about doing it “right.” It is more about the relationship, a dance, and learning how to give and receive.

If you are interested in becoming a sponsor, here are some quick do’s and do not’s.

Do have the confidence to be a sponsor after one year of actively participating in a support group and therapy. You will grow tremendously by giving away what you have learned and helping others. It is advisable to have at least the first five steps completed yourself.

Do Not become your sponsorsee’s therapist or give advice. Be a good listener. Share your recovery story, experience, wisdom, tools, and resources that have helped you.

Do set boundaries with your sponsoree regarding meeting times, the amount of time, your availability and recovery work expectations.

Do Not attach yourself to the outcome of them changing or how you want them to change. Enjoy the process and the present moment with them. Your happiness does not depend on their sobriety.

Do believe their behavior, not their words. Understand not everyone wants help or will work as hard as you.

Do Not become romantically involved with your sponsoree.

Do be as kind, loving, and as patient as others have been with you.

If you are interested in being sponsored, here are some quick do’s and do not’s.

Do ask questions about your potential sponsor up front.

Do Not be late or become a no show upon your agreed meeting times, regardless if they are in person, by phone, or video.

Do communicate by text, email, or phone with relevant information.

Do Not spend time complaining about your partner, children, parents, coworkers, and their issues in person or by phone. Your sponsor’s time is valuable. Do not abuse it. Talk about yourself.

Do have a journal to share your entries, take notes, and have three things you want to share that you are learning about yourself and your addiction(s).

Do Not expect a sponsor to initiate a relationship with you, work harder than you, or care more than you.

Do interview more than one sponsor before deciding or choosing a sponsor that is right for you.

Do Not be entitled, demanding, or easily offended.

Do be teachable, a good listener, and a student who is ready to receive feedback. You have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

When interviewing a sponsor, below are some questions to consider.

How long have you been in recovery?
What addiction(s) are you recovering from?
How do you define your sobriety?
What is your sobriety date from acting out, from acting in?
Are you single, married, or divorced?
What hobbies do you enjoy?
Have you completed the steps?
How long have you been working on the steps?
Do you have time to take my calls?
Do you have a sponsor?
How many others are you sponsoring?
Do you have a religious or spiritual affiliation?
What has been the most helpful in your recovery journey?
What has been the least helpful in your recovery journey?
What have you learned about yourself in your recovery?

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.