Transparency vs. Vulnerability

Many individuals are addicted to their negative emotions. The majority of the time, they may feel negative emotions, such as fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, jealously, envy and unhappiness. Rarely, do they feel positive emotions, such as love, joy, peace, kindness, forgiveness, and happiness.

Negative emotions are usually always present, “Cory, why is he so much more open, engaging, and talkative to everyone else but me? He will go out of his way to talk to other women at church, our children, coworkers, my parents, even total strangers in public. It is so difficult to watch. It hurts me and makes me so angry to hear second hand about his day from listening to these conversations.”

Over the years, many women married to anorexic men have spoken similar words or a version of them, so what is going on? Why does this happen?

First, know that you are not alone, and there is hope. You cannot change him; however, you can change yourself. To do this, you must understand what is going on. Understanding and changing your perception, beliefs and attitudes can transform your life.

He appears to be very transparent with these people. However, this is not the case. Transparency and vulnerability can look the same, but they are very different.

The etymology of the word transparent means “to show light through, beyond, to see through, visible, to appear.” I like to think of transparency much like a glass window that you can see through. It allows light through. Many anorexic men appear vulnerable in these public settings; however, they are only being transparent.

The etymology of the word vulnerability comes from the word vulnus, or vulnerare, which means “to wound, hurt, harm, maim, strike or to injure.” Now, it is interesting because two other words come from this word vulnerable.

The French word svelte (adj) means “to pluck or root out, to be caught, or to strike”.

The other word is valhalla (n) “those slain in battle, slaughter, bodies, blood, wound, to cover to conceal to cover.” This word valhalla comes from the Nores legend of Odin, which is a heavenly hall where the souls of heroes are gathered and received from the dead that were killed in battle.

We can see how transparency and vulnerability are very different.

“Great Cory, but how does this help me as his partner?”

Most likely, the anorexic man is trying and is already being transparent with you. He is trying to be a window you can see through and is visible. To you, however, it appears shallow, as he is wanting to talk about the weather, the landscape as you drive, and portions of his workday. You are bored out of your mind, as he never shares his feelings about his day. He may never ask you about your thoughts or feelings about your day or may an effort to carry the conversation. You, most likely, have exploded in anger numerous times about your frustration. Now, he does not see you as a safe person or a person that he can share vulnerably with.

Marriage is the only relationship in his life that requires total vulnerability relationally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. When you observe him sharing with others, he is only being transparent. Nothing he has shared in a public setting with others will wound, hurt, harm, or maim him. If used against him to strike him back or draw blood, it is not information that cause injury to him.

If you are not aware, you (as the wife and his partner) are the only one who can draw blood, wound, strike, slaughter his soul or heart by using the vulnerable things he has shared with you. This is how it feels to a man. In your hurt and pain, he may have learned not to be vulnerable with you again. Your behavior has shown him you are not a safe person to be vulnerable with. I am not blaming you. I am trying to help you understand. You too may have felt such feelings from his betrayal and rightly so.

Now this is not always the case. Many men have unhealed and buried abuse, trauma, and neglect from their parents or a perpetrator that has nothing to do with you. It is not your fault, and you may be angry about being cheated by this and have paid a great price of loneliness and neglect. You are right to be angry; but most likely, you are not free.

It is going to take time for both of you to restore trust with one another and begin to be vulnerable with each other.

To begin, each must take a turn as ask, “How do you experience me when you are vulnerable with me?” “How do my response make you feel?” Be ready to listen, take some notes, and do not become defensive or offended. You will then respond with parroting, repeating the feels they shared. Then, ask if you heard them correctly. If you did, great. They may have other feelings to share. If you did not hear them correctly, ask for a second chance to try again to repeat the feelings you missed or mistaken them feeling.

Resource: etyomonline.com

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.