Emotions vs. Feelings

As a therapist for over 20 years, I thought I understood feelings and emotions. Even as a therapist, I have made the mistake of using them interchangeably. The problem is, they mean very different things.

Is it any wonder why men and women struggle with communication? That was until I read The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diane Richardson. She does a great job of explaining the differences in a simple way. Here are some of my notes from the book to make it even simpler.

Emotions	Feelings
Are experiences from the Past	Are experiences in the Present
Are an Unconscious Expression	Are a Conscious Expression
Expression is repressed, delayed, avoided, or repeated over and overusing the same words	Expressed Freshly
Harden the Ego	Strengthen the Heart
Separate you from the one you Love	Bring you closer to the one you Love
Accuse, Blame, and Criticize	Take Responsibility
“You Always, You Never, It’s Your Fault!”	“I feel, I want, I need…”
Contracts and Restricts our Energy, Exhaustive	Expands our Energy, gives Vigor and Life
Unexpressed Emotions Create Trauma in the body	Unexpressed Feelings become destructive Emotions
Need to be released Physically	Need to be released Verbally
“I am my Emotions, and my Emotions are Me.”	“I am not my feelings they are passing though, giving me information and data.”
Usually refers to the Past	Expressed in the Present
Hangs around for days	Expressed and moves on quickly
Emotions create Excitement, heat, the desire to fight	Feelings create Calming and Cooling

After reading this information, I realized I can quickly label women on one side of this and men on the other. I am not saying that is “right” or “wrong.” Richardson does not label the genders either.

However, I will say while specializing in sexual addiction recovery men are generally labeled the addict, and the wife is labeled as the partner who has been betrayed. These also are labels that need to be held loosely. Due to the betrayal and the likelihood that a woman is more likely to be abused as a child than a man, I have found women in their trauma of the present often are speaking from the emotions of the past.

Now, I understand men can have childhood trauma also and can speak from the emotions of the past as well. That is why we must be careful not to label only the feminine who are always speaking from their emotions of the past.

Over the years with all the writing I have done on the addiction to being offended, ego, having a heart of war, and unforgiveness, these are not gender specific. Both struggle just as much as the other, letting go of their addiction to negative emotions.

Understanding this list can help us better understand our partners and why communication can be so dam difficult. All too often she is speaking in the present moment from past emotion and hurt while he is speaking in the present with his feelings. In the next moment, a shift occurs; and it is flipped. He is speaking of past emotion to try and relate to her, but she is now speaking in present feelings.

It does not take long to become frustrated and angry when both are not feeling, hearing, or being understood and validated.

It is so difficult for couples to overcome past hurts in the relationship, let alone the additional hurt and betrayal that occurred before the relationship.

Richardson sates: “When you take full responsibility for your emotions, your love will not become contaminated with the unhappiness of your past.”

Not only do couples not understand the difference between emotions and feelings; most do not understand the three different stages or levels of a relationship. We will look at this in our next blog.

Sources: The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diane Richardson

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.