Hypergamy

You cannot Negotiate Genuine Desire – Rollo Tomassi

In this series, we have been learning about the sexual marketplace, the sexual market value individuals bring to the market, and the power each has as a seller / giver and buyer / wanter with assets each brings to be traded. We discussed the strategies players use in the game to get the most of what they want for the least amount of cost and effort.

As complex as the “rules” of the mating and dating game appear to be, we are now going to make it even more complex and look at the idea “theory” of hypergamy.

In The Rational Male by Rolo Tomassi, who is one of the originators of the “red pill” movement for men, this book addresses like any movement, there are positive and negative cultural impacts that can come from them, and this has been no different.

The Rational Male is a good book, well written, thought out, and articulate to make valid points that are not wrong. However, the conclusions and rationale, at times, seem misguided, although well intended, to help men understand and date women. The audience I think that resonate with Tomassi’s work is your typical alpha, overt narcissistic business owner, dating an alpha covert narcissistic / borderline, histrionic woman which are on a spectrum from mild, moderate, to severe. The book will not make sense to securely attached men or women.

I encourage men and women to read the book and come to your own conclusions. The internet in the early 2000s gave men the ability to share their experiences which is a key part of the information gathered in the book. The internet for men has become what the sexual revolution was for women.

What is hypergamy? The word hypergamy comes from India in the 19^th century while translating Hindu law books from Sandkrit. The words anuloma or hypergamy and pratiloma hypogamy were translated into English. Indian tradition is a caste system in which a woman hopes to marry in or above her social class or status. Hypergamy simply means to marry or to date up. Hypogamy means to marry or date down.

You could say hypergamy is an evolving definition. Today, hypergamy has been attached to female behavior and hypogamy to male behavior. Tomassi has helped evolutionary psychology/ sociology. He is known for developing the term here in the West.

According to Tomassi, hypergamy is a subconscious, biological drive for a woman to seek a male partner of higher social status, resources, and genetic quality than themselves. He goes further to explain several points:

This is an instinct to ensure the survival and well-being of herself and her offspring.
Women are programmed to be attracted to the highest value men physically, socially, financially and intellectually.
Women utilize a dual mating strategy from their male partners.
These behaviors by women are not necessarily a conscious choice by women.

[italicized words emphasized by me]

He explains in great detail historical examples of human survival having to overcome the perils of war, famine, and disease.

In a culture of victims, in my opinion, this encourages women to not be responsible or accountable for their dating behaviors. As a father of daughters and a new granddaughter, I do not agree with this idea of female hypergamy. Growing up on a farm, this would be the equivalent of saying “that cow, pig, or horse is in heat. They cannot help themselves it is their programmed subconscious instinct to go find the best male on the farmyard get laid.”

Then the same logic must be true for men. Men can’t help objectifying women and staring at their breasts, as it is their programmed instinct. It is in the nature of the bull to breed with as many cows as possible.

The Red Pill will tell you men want to get laid and women want to get laid. We are sexual beings, period.

Have we really come to this? Are we nothing more than cattle on farmyard… Earth?

Tomassi goes into great detail how alpha males can take advantage of this “instinct” by dating as many women as possible. He refers to it as “spinning plates,” as quickly as possible. Alpha men are to stay in their “frame” of being selfish (and manipulate [my word]) her to be sexual with the man, or they should not waste their time with her if she does not put out. Build your kingdom, make lots of money, and stay at your “game.” He also has what he refers to as the 10 “Iron Rules,” which have a place, yet can be misunderstood if taken out of context and even harmful to women.

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MGTOW; Men Going Their Own Way.

NAWALT; Not All Women Are Like That.

These are some of the terms and phrases you will see in forums and social media that have come from this movement. Have Tomassi’s ideas helped fuel the gender war we see today, or are books like this exposing and giving us words to explain something that already existed?

Tomassi identifies the impact feminism and birth control from the 1960s. He believes we live in a feminine centric reality or fem-centrism. He writes, “The feminine imperative is normalized as the CORRECT goal of any conflict. A woman’s existential imperative, her happiness, her contentment, her protection, her provisioning, her empowerment, literally anything that benefits the feminine is not only encouraged socially, but in most cases mandated by law. Ironically, most doctors require a wife’s written consent to perform a vasectomy on a married man; not because of legal mandate, but rather to avoid legal retaliations and damages for the wife. By hook or by crook, her imperative is the CORRECT one.”

He does make a good point with this observation. I have seen this more true than ever with my male clients going through family court due to divorce. Women can make almost any statement or accusation toward her husband, even if it false, exaggerated, or slanderous. Most judges will quickly sign protection orders, child support, and mandatory alimony with little-to-no evidence. How is this possible?

Tomassi also writes about solipsism which means to be selfish or self-centered, believing you are the only one that exists. He expresses the idea that perhaps he and other men as well as women have been programed by a fem-centric propaganda to allow and accept solipsism for women to be normal and acceptable.

Female Solipsism:

The woman is always a victim.
Nothing is her fault.
She is not responsible for her actions.
Men are to blame.
Any of her faults are always to be considered strengths.
A woman has the right to change her mind at any time for any reason.

I know these are difficult to read, but I think he has a valid point.

After 25 years as a therapist, I have made several observations for those who are not securely attached that come to my office. First, many women have become “unhappy,” even when they are married to good men who have given them a home, children, safety, stability and support. His addiction and intimacy issues are the reasons they are in therapy. It’s his fault she is not happy; he is the problem, not her. Second, women will generally sacrifice the marriage and kids for this “happiness” in order to “find herself” because he is not paying enough attention to her. Third, men will generally sacrifice their happiness for the sake of the marriage and kids.

Why are 80 percent of divorces filed by women? Maybe hypergamy is a real thing. It’s their nature, and they just can’t help it. Is female solipsism in play? Has fem-centrism created a generation of covert narcissistic women to equal the number or narcissistic men? Has social media been the culprit tapping into the female ego selling women, the sellers, a lie — “you will be happier with _______, or when _______.” Many women get caught in the emotions of being “right” and receiving attention, support, and affirmation from other hurt women. This support is used to justify their own self-preservation to leave rather than take responsibility or accountability.

I have discovered that attention is for women what porn is to men. Attention is very addictive with dopamine, as we have learned in my dopamine series. But Cory NAWALT and I agree, not all women are like that. Not all men are like that either, but the unhealthy, dramatic, sensational squeaking wheels get the grease and attention.

Tomassi gives a whole litany of how we got here with a list of why hypergamy does not care about what how great a father he is to the kids, that you moved across the country for her, how supportive you have always been, the words you said at your wedding, the good memories, your forgiving nature, that you are best friends, how much her family loves you, the home you built for her, how funny, or sweet you are…etc. etc. You know…he might be right, because it is for their evolutionary survival.

Both women and men are bad at reasoning but good at rationalizing their behaviors when hurt and neglected. They do not place as much value on factual truth as they do in their own emotional self-preservation.

Men have been sold on the phrase, “happy wife, happy life!” He needs to do more chores, parenting, make more money, be a man, etc. But is that really true? Is this nothing more than men being too accommodating and codependent? Do women lose respect for “nice guys” when they are never told “no?” Many men are angry they have become MGTOW.

What has happened to our culture? It is now estimated that up to 55 percent of marriages fail. Both feel hurt, unheard, and unappreciated for what they bring to the marketplace. In the end, both are responsible. Both are just a mirror of what the other needs to work on. There is a war already raging. Can you feel it? Do you see it now? It is a gender war, and it will destroy both. There will be no winners, only losers. Both are “right” but neither are free.

Source: The Rational Male -Rollo Tamossi

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.