Initiate, Reciprocate & Participate

In our last blog, we looked at how social media is destroying personal and professional relationships by giving you more and more of what you read and watch on your feeds. You are being studied by AI with filter bubbles that validate your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, creating an echo chamber that only reinforces what you already believe about yourself and others, regardless of how damaging that may be.

You are going to have to unlearn what you think you know about yourself and others on the journey of recovery. Now, this is true more than ever, as societal information and energy is changing at a faster pace than ever before.

I have written several blogs on the dance between masculine and feminine and that you need both for a relationship to work. In short, love is a battery of positive- and negative-charged ions, just like every cell in your body.

Now, men generally struggle with inviting their female partner into their life, with hobbies, decision making, etc. It’s no secret men do not engage well emotionally, or at least as much as their partner may want them to. They also struggle with initiating these things more often than not.

The problem I have seen in the last five years is that the men in their masculine are changing and beginning to initiate and pursue their female partner with emotional, spiritual, relational, and physical intimacy; however, it is often met with resistance or being told they are doing it “wrong” due to timing, not being good enough, or with enough sincerity.

Women may have been frequently hurt and struggling with forgiveness for various reasons. These reasons are often well justified…to a point. However, due to social media and their beliefs being reinforced with emotionally charged messages, they stay stuck. The feminine fails to reciprocate.

If she does reciprocate, it is in her negative emotion of bitterness and resentment, usually with cutting and condescending adjectives attached to the nouns of his masculinity. The women are not wrong in feeling as they do. However, would you want to be close to someone like that?

To reciprocate means to respond to, to give and return mutually in kind or love, to rise and fall, to move backward and forward.

To reciprocate would require participation, and many women out there are no longer participating with reciprocation. Therefore, couples find themselves paralyzed. They are stuck in their egos accusing, blaming, and criticizing each other with who is at fault. The ego wins, and the relationship loses every time. You can be “right,” or you can learn how to be free.

One of the things we need to unlearn is letting external triggers control our internal feelings.

Men and women need to understand and “inner-stand” the golden rule.

THE GOLDEN RULE: A woman’s [person’s] reaction to something you said or did does not determine the “rightness” or the “wrongness” of what you said or did.

-The Big Stick by Tony Endelman, page 253.

This “golden rule” is so important to understand. This is for the men and women. You can use this in your personal and professional life as well as with your parents. Do you understand what this is saying?

This is about living in-side out and not out-side in and breaking our codependent patterns. For far too long, we let people’s negative emotions and responses to something we said or did control us and determine what we said or did was “right” or “wrong” based on their emotional reaction. We interpreted it as approval or disapproval.

This is so important to understand if you both want to change. Many of us were raised in a shame-based parenting model. We were mostly raised by shame-based schools, governments, and religions. For far too long, we allowed and believed someone’s negative emotional response(s) to our behaviors as the “law” of what is “right” and “wrong.”

Not only that, but we have allowed our own addiction to negative emotions dictate how we respond and treat others as well as ourselves. We stay bitter, offended, resentful and unforgiving.

Let it go. Move on. Set yourself free.

Men, start initiating and continue to do so, regardless of her negative emotions. Women, reciprocate even when you do not feel like it. Both men and women need to understand negative feelings are always available and present; then we act them out with negative results.

Positive feelings are also present. The difference is you have to act them out first. Then, the positive emotions will follow second. I promise it will feel unfamiliar; but with practice, it will become more comfortable.

Both of you need to begin to take small risks. The smallest, “Thank you,” “I appreciate you,” “I am so grateful for __________.” The smallest touch back, hug, cuddle, or a short prayer together will go further than you can imagine.

Men, when your female partner initiates, you need to reciprocate and participate in a positive and validating way.

In time, it becomes a positive cycle, a vortex of energy and love generating abundance that will gain momentum to turn your relationship around.

Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.