Forgiveness Part 7 Letting Go, Practical Tools

It’s been a great series, journeying through the discovery of who and what is the origin of offense how it impacts forgiveness. But how can we begin to practice forgiveness in a practical and responsible way?

Let’s look at a few tools that can begin to help us achieve the level of forgiveness and love discussed in the previous blogs.

Answer Questions with a Question

The best defense is living on offense. In any conversation, the person asking the questions is the person in control of the conversation and on the offense. Offended, controlled, hurt, wounded, narcissistic, or intimacy anorexics are great at keeping people on the defense. They are very passive aggressive with their words and behaviors.

These people in your life may be a spouse, parent, in-law, teacher, coworker, boss, employee, or someone in leadership or authority over you. They may make you feel very powerless. I assure you that you are not. This simple tool can equal the playing field for you. Once you begin to use this tool, this individual may begin to back off.

Here are some examples.

___________________________________________________________

Spouse: Where have you been and what have you been doing today?

You: Where do you think I have been today? Do you think I have been cheating on you?

___________________________________________________________

Boss: Why can’t you ever get those month-end reports to me on time?

You: Are you frustrated with me or the marketing department for never getting the information to me until the first of the month?

___________________________________________________________

In-Law: You are having another piece of apple pie with ice cream?

You: Do think I am overweight?

___________________________________________________________

Parent: When are you ever going to stop doing work that never pays enough?

You: Dad, do you think I am not successful unless I am making a lot of money, doing what you want me to do? Can you explain what you mean by your comment?

___________________________________________________________

Coworker: Do you think you can handle that portion of the project?

You: Do you think I am incapable or unqualified to do this part of the project that my manager assigned to me?

___________________________________________________________

At first glance, these can look snippy, rude, or even offensive. If your tone or body language expresses that, they can be. However, if you do it with respect, humility, and confidence, it will not be offensive. However, this is about you being on offense and no longer being on defense. You are making them do the work and having them pull the weight. If they do answer your question, your response is going to be repeating their own question back to them or coming up with another question for them.

You will never truly answer their questions without another question. Passive aggressive and offended people do not want to engage in this type of conversation since it is too much work. Oftentimes, they will walk away, leave you alone, and realize you have figured out their game. You are now both equals. They may even begin to respect you. Never forget, in all your relationships, that YOU are the only common denominator, and you teach people how to treat you.

Mirroring or Parroting

Mirroring or parroting, which is also known as speaker/listener is a great tool. When using this tool, the listener is not allowed to speak until they have successfully paraphrased what the speaker has said, as well as how they convey what they feel back to the speaker. Once the listener has done so to the approval of the speaker, they can then comment or respond back.

The same rules apply to the new listener since they are not allowed to comment or respond back until the new speaker’s approval of the message has been repeated back correctly. If the listener is not able to paraphrase the message, the speaker may have to repeat or rephrase things several times.

This is a very elementary exercise that can go on for minutes or hours. Both individuals should feel heard, understood, and validated by the other, even if nothing has been completely resolved. Again, this is not about winning or losing. If done correctly, you may feel physically tired at the completion of this exercise. Truly listening is hard work.

The Validation Exercise

This next tool is about taking responsibility for the things you have said or done to the other person, which have hurt them. You will need to follow the two sentences below. Think of one thing you said or did by owning it.

This exercise is about validating the other individual’s feelings regardless if you agree or disagree with them. List 8 to 10 feeling words that they, as the hurt person, may have felt from that one event. It is also good to have the list of feeling words, which is available in the appendix of Offended Deceived Addicted.

“When I did or do _________,”

“You may or might have felt _________.”

Once the 8 to 10 feeling words are shared, the listener can respond and indicate which feelings were an accurate representation of what they felt. They can also share feelings the speaker did not list.

Do not become defensive while they share feelings you missed. Acknowledge the additional feelings missed.

You can now move into the Mirroring/Parroting exercise to process and validate each other further.

I am Feeling Offended

This tool works well when you are feeling offended and need to be assertive, take responsibility, and stop blaming the other person. This tool works especially well with married couples, because so much of their sick system has been blaming each other. Here are the steps and the phrases.

“I am feeling ___________ (offended).”

Use whatever word best describes your feelings, such as hungry, angry, lonely, tired, fearful, frustrated, disrespected, threatened, etc.

“I want you to know if it not your fault.”

“I am responsible for what I am thinking, feeling and doing right now.”

“I am going to ______________.”

Take a minute to calm down, take a time out, go make a phone call to my accountability partner, sponsor, etc.

“When I return in 20 minutes, I am going to be honest about my thoughts and feelings and share them without blaming you. I will be ready to receive and listen to your feedback without getting defensive.”

I Choose to Stop Accusing, Blaming, and Criticizing

For this exercise, you will need to think of 2 to 3 ways you have hurt the other person recently or in the past over the course of your relationship with them— circumstances in which you accused, blamed, criticized, or judged them.

This exercise is not about being the other person’s conscience or Holy Spirit. This is not about keeping score about what is or is not shared. This is not about what you think they need to confess. This is about what you are taking responsibility for. You are going to go first.

Step 1: Share a specific behavior that you feel convicted about in your heart. This is something you know and want to stop accusing, blaming, criticizing, or judging them for.

Note: Remember this exercise is not about forgiveness as you might have traditionally understood it. We accuse, blame, criticize, and judge others because we believe the lie that the other person has “offended” us in our “rightness.” We are not forgiving them for their “wrongness” because this is pride. We are seeking and choosing to stop the accusing and blaming behaviors in our hearts, minds, and behaviors regardless if they change or not.

Step 2: Begin with the following:

“I am choosing to stop accusing, blaming and criticizing you for _____________.”

Examples

Lying to me
Being Dishonest
Not protecting me from _______
Being messy and having poor cleaning habits
Talking bad about me to _______
Your eating habits
Your self-care habits
Your moodiness
Being codependent
Being an addict
Being selfish
Having an anger problem
Flirting with the opposite sex
Cheating on me
Your emotional affair(s)
Being flawed
Blaming me
Withholding love
Withholding sex
Withholding spiritually
Not being the spiritual leader
Other ___________________

Step 3: The listener is then allowed to respond in any of the following ways:

“Thank you for sharing.”
“I receive that.”
“I will walk with you in faith in this new truth.”

Step 4: Allow the “accuser” (you) to share all the desired items before switching roles. Then, repeat steps 1 through 3.

Step 5: Finally, take time to share your thoughts and feelings about the exercise without accusing, blaming, criticizing, or judging.

How is this non-traditional model of forgiveness different than your traditional understanding and format (Offended Deceived Addicted, pages 156-131)?

You are no longer a victim. Begin to take your life and freedom back today. You do not to do the work of the enemy anymore. Let go of the violence within and stop your warring heart and begin see your heart transform and fill with the fruits of the Spirit perhaps for the first time.

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Cory Schortzman Executive Director

Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.

Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.