For the past several months, I have been wrestling with understanding the ego in my pursuit to better help our clients, relationships, recovery, addictions, and the search for truth. As much as codependency is misunderstood in mental health world, ego is perhaps even more so.
I have heard it said that ego stands for the acronym: Edging God Out. Ego is about separation, creating separation. Me vs. You, Us vs. Them. This is not wrong but, perhaps, too simplistic. The ego can be thought of as positive and negative. It can be thought of as dark and light. The ego is the voice in your head that is there to protect you from all forms of hurt or injury. It interprets most interactions with others as negative or being taken advantage of. In order to protect you, the ego is most often the source of your negative thoughts, creating negative emotions such as fear, resentment, offense, comparison, and bitterness. The ego is the mask that we all wear. The ego loves to be right and think of others as wrong, less than, or not as good as. It loves to complain.
The ego loves to create dualism and polarity. It attaches itself to results and outcomes that benefits itself. The ego loves labels such as father, mother, son, daughter, married, or single. It especially loves labels of status such as what you do for a living: doctor, nurse, engineer, teacher, scientist, contractor, or business owner.
The ego is known for telling you “you will be happy when…” This is perhaps its best hidden deception that keeps us all running, striving, and longing for what is next. “You will be happy when you get that promotion, finish school, meet that boyfriend, get married, have a child, have another child, when your child goes to school, or when your partner starts this or stops that.” “You will be happy when you finish reading this article.” You get the picture. With as much as the ego promises you peace and happiness in the future, it never allows you to enjoy the present. Think about it. You have fought to enjoy this very moment which was in the future. It is here now, yet you have no joy.
The ego also keeps you in anxiety and fear about the future and what it may bring. It tells you that you will not have enough time to get things done or money to pay the bills. Then. it hits you with a brick in the back of the head to remind you of all the bad things you did in the past that bring up guilt and shame.
Ego keeps us on a perpetual pendulum string, swinging back and forth between the future and the past, meanwhile, always robbing us of this present moment. It tricks you to believe that the present moment is the enemy or your friend. For ego to survive, it remains at war with the present moment.
Our relationship with the moment can be treated as our friend or our enemy. Ego wants us to keep us unsatisfied with the moment of the “now” all the time.
Once we realize we can choose to have joy in any and every moment, our freedom begins.
What makes you, you? What, who… how are you really? Are you your thoughts? Are you your emotions? Have you ever wondered, “where did that thought come from?” Are you your beliefs, dreams, or achievements? Are you this body, this meat suit your spirit finds itself in? Are you your career, your possessions or the labels placed upon you? What is your true real essence?
Most would say none of these things are them. Most would protest that they are much more than all of these. And they would be correct. We are so much more. Yet, most identify with their thoughts, emotions and beliefs which controls them by tricking them to believe that the ego is them, and they are it. Ego separates itself and you from everything and everyone that loves you to keep you for itself.
So how do we free ourselves from this madness, this reality, this matrix?
First, I learned I had to step outside myself and look at myself as an observer of the ego. Discover its thoughts, feelings and beliefs, not judging them as good or bad but simply as information or data communicating to me about what is going on.
Second, as the observer, I had to un-attach myself from an outcome of how my ego wants things to turn out or what I believe to be “right” and “just” according to me. It demands perfection from others. Perfection according to itself.
Third, I have learned to not react or overreact when things do not go my way or the way the ego convinced me things should have turned out.
Finally, I am learning how to live in the present moment. It is in the present moment where we experience joy, peace, love, kindness, and gratitude. It is in the present moment where we access eternity, heaven, or nirvana.
Sources: Complex PTSD-Pete Walker, A New Earth-Eckhart Tolle, A Return to Love-Marrianne Williamson, Aaron Abke Podcast YouTube, Richard Grannon Fortress Mental Health Protection YouTube
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
