I want to apologize to all the men who have ever been shamed by a clinician while trying to get help for their addiction or intimacy anorexia issues. Recently, I wrote a blog explaining some of the basic and foundational aspects of Complex PTSD.
For far too long, men in intimacy anorexia recovery or treatment have been shamed into compliance and the belief that they are being an intimacy anorexic on purpose and only for their own Narcissistic pleasure to torture your wife.
For some men, this may actually be the case. However, it is my experience that this is not true for the majority of men who I have worked with over the last decade. I would say all narcissists are intimacy anorexics but not all intimacy anorexics are narcissists.
At the same time, women have been given a pass as the partner or victim of such abuse and neglect. The newest term Betrayal Trauma can be found everywhere. Betrayal trauma is real; however, it keeps female partners stuck as victims or prey. It is then the assumption that they are being preyed upon by their male perpetrators. This creates a dynamic of the ego to thrive. Ego loves to create separation, such as me-versus-you or us-versus-them mentality and polarity.
What we have missed is the trauma a male partner has suffered, which often goes untreated, undetected, and undiagnosed. I am not giving the men a pass any more than the women, other than to simply say that you cannot treat what is not diagnosed. A prognosis without a diagnosis is a form of malpractice, and this has been going on for far too long.
I believe all men and women who suffer from CPTSD are intimacy anorexics but not all intimacy anorexics suffer from CPTSD. I would like this issue acknowledged in intimacy anorexia recovery to begin to help men and women suffering from intimacy anorexia.
People who suffer from Complex PTSD experience what Pete Walker, in his groundbreaking book Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, describes as emotional flashbacks. An emotional flashback happens when a person is flooded with fight, flight, freeze or fawn emotions, such as anger, fear, hurt, being overwhelmed, rage, abandonment, embarrassment, shame, guilt, worthlessness, humiliation, and others.
The brain floods the body with stress hormone cortisol and paralyzes the person, making them unable and ineffective in communicating their own thoughts or feelings which makes it nearly impossible to have a positive outcome or resolution to the situation.
If you are a partner of an intimacy anorexic, please know they are not shutting down or getting angry with you on purpose. They may be overwhelmed and flooded in an emotional flashback not knowing how to share or express their thoughts or feelings in that moment. You are not dealing with an adult but an emotional undeveloped child. With the proper tools, treatment, and healing; they can get better.
They are not trying to hurt you or shut down to hurt you anymore than when you are triggered in your betrayal trauma, having a flashback of fight and rage or flight in fear. Ego is doing what it was designed to do to protect you from any threat at all costs.
It is not right or wrong. It just is. You can choose to blame the intimacy anorexic for being broken or take responsibility to educate yourself and move from victim to victor. How you choose to change is about being wise or foolish. What is wise for you as a couple or individual may be foolish for another.
You are both worthy of change. You do not have to consent to a sick system any longer.
If you or your partner suffers from intimacy anorexia and have never been screened from CPTSD, take a few minutes to complete the CPTSD assessment today. You will then receive an email to schedule your FREE initial consultation.
Below are some additional helpful blog articles on this topic:
Sources: Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving. – Pete Walker
Cory Schortzman Executive Director
Cory Schortzman is an author, speaker, teacher and licensed mental health professional. Since 2008, he has served as the Executive Director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He is the founder of SARA, the Sexual Addiction Recovery Association. Cory is passionate about helping couples and individuals overcome sex addiction. He is also passionate about bringing awareness to the public and supporting the elimination of sex and human trafficking. Cory has been married since 1998 to his beautiful wife, Kerry, and lives in Colorado with their four daughters. He and Kerry have been seen on the CBS Early Show, Inside Edition, and ABC Good Morning America, Fox 21 News, and TLC/Discovery discussing the harm of sex addiction and the joys of recovery. He has also been heard on numerous radio programs.
Cory’s books include: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light the Workbook, Into the Light the Steps, Ashes to Beauty the Steps, 301 Dating Ideas, 301 Conversational Ideas, 301 Ways to Say I Love You, 301 Ways to Love Your Children & 301 Recovery Tools & Tips.
Kerry’s books include: Ashes to Beauty the Book and Ashes to Beauty the Workbook
Co-authored books include: 101 Blogs to Transform your Life, Volume I and Offended Deceived Addicted
